Silent, But Deadly

On Monday, Nick informs me that we received an e-mail from some girl at a PR firm that handles America’s Next Top Model and that they have special inside stuff for bloggers and asking if were we interested. My reaction: Are you serious? Is this some sort of delayed April Fools joke?

Apparently, Nick wasn’t kidding. We really did get an email from a girl named Chelsea over at mPRm Public Relations, who was nice enough to contact us and bring us into the semi-exclusive bloggers club. This included special sneak peaks of the week’s episode, photo links, information on upcoming episodes AND a conference call with the week’s Eliminee.

I should say that we now refer to all correspondence from Chelsea as CHELSEA MAIL! So, much thanks Chelsea and here we go.


America's Next Top Model

On America’s Next Top Model this week, the girls were given a “lesson” on how to behave and handle themselves in interviews by some Vanity Fair jackass named George Wayne. Ugh, George was so hateful. And boy, did he uncover some shocking truths. The revelation that Danielle might have had trouble spelling “cantankerous” is bound to set the world of journalism on its ears. Just give him the goddamn Pulitzer right now.

They didn’t even need coaching. All they had to do was remember Janice’s golden words of wisdom, “We don’t rat out our bitches!”

Jade’s mom’s fluffing apparently made Jade kind of psychic. Jade was doing this little mock-judging, with her playing the role of Tyra, of course. Nnenna and Furonda were “acting” as if they were the girls in the bottom two. When Jade flipped over what I can only imagine is her poetry notebook, it was Furonda’s picture. That’s sort of beyond foreshadowing, I’d say...even if it was editing.

Danielle got her gap fixed. But they didn’t really close it completely. If you people out there love Danielle and Joanie like we do, then your thought process was like, “Where was Joanie? Danielle sat with Joanie at Dr. Falcon’s office until three in the morning! Why wasn’t Joanie with Danielle?” However, upon subsequent viewing of the episode, I have to say that Joanie was there, because you can kind of see the elbow of her little reddish/pinking hoodie on the desk when Danielle and Falcon were looking at the before and after pictures of the gap on the computer screen. Damn you, editing. Either way, I had nightmares about being at the dentist after the episode aired.

As always, Danielle rocks. But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree because Danielle’s momma rocks too. And I quote, “Uh-huh, remember the girl from Texas...did not want her hair cut because she loved her hair.” Shout out to self-admitted sociopath Cassandra!

Sara is talking to her boyfriend, something about commitment, blah, blah. But check it out, Sara is wearing her blue “I jogged with Chip and Pepper” t-shirt. The first Tyra mail in Thailand was read by Sara: “I know it’s tough being around so many girls....so get some tail.” Sara finishes reading it and says, “I wish.” And when the girls show up to the floating market to do the mermaid shoot, Joanie is wearing Sara’s t-shirt. Hmmm.

Let’s take a minute and flash back to season 2 of the OC:

Marissa: So, what do you want to do today?

Alex: Well, are you ready for that surf lesson?

Marissa: Yes! Awesome! Oh wait, do you have another shirt I can borrow? ‘Cause this one kind
of smells like cigarettes?

And...scene!

Anyway, the girls went to Thailand. Let’s take some time for some Joanie love:

When they found out they’re going to Thailand, Joanie said, “I’ve only been to Canada.”

Joanie using duct tape to pack her stuff.

Joanie massaging Jade. Okay, not so awesome, but for the first time ever, being Jade wouldn’t have been so bad.

“My boobs were falling out. I would’ve been extremely embarrassed if the boobs fell out.”

And this one’s for Nick...as always, Joanie in glasses.

I did enjoy Furonda saying that the harness was hurting her “womanly space.”

Let's enjoy some more Danielle and Joanie:

As predicted by Jade, Furonda and Nnenna were in the bottom two and Nnenna was sent a’ packing.

On Thursday, Nick and I phoned into the conference call. Not much to say about Nnenna, except that she seemed to be a lot like she was on the show; sort of monotone, but maybe that’s just the way she is. I was a little pissed that everyone was sort of kissing her ass. A few too many people were drinking the “I was so shocked you were eliminated” Kool-Aid, if you ask us.

Nick asked her if there was anything filmed that didn’t make it to air that she wished would have. (Props to Rossanna for coming up with the question.) She said that she was a person who was “easily amused,” that her work nickname is “Smiley,” and that a lot of times when she was laughing at Brooke it was because of something the Jays said. Basically, she was saying that the editing sort of made it look worse than it really was. Which, is completely and totally plausible.

When asked who she was rooting for from the remaining girls, Nnenna said that she was rooting for everyone and that they were all great girls. Yes, a very nice and coached answer indeed. At least Nnenna did not rat out her bitches.

It was an interesting experience and we can’t wait to see what happens next.


The Apprentice

Finally, a worthy episode! Moreover, a worthy episode with incestuous undertones. Well, okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, but Donald Jr. and Ivanka were Trump’s eyes and ears this week and when Trump asked Ivanka how things were this week, she gave a big smile and said “it was fun with my brother this time, as well.” Don’t get me wrong, I love Carolyn, but Ivanka is totally likeable.

The task this week was to create a souvenir limited edition tourist program/brochure for the Ellis Island national park. I really hope The Apprentice’s float design days are over.

In the end, Andrea was sent home because she can’t play well with others. I’m happy she got the boot because she’s sort of obnoxious and the way she says her S-es pierce my ears like no other. On the other hand, I think her team totally shot themselves in the foot. Plus, she cried.

Scrubs

I don’t normally talk about Scrubs because there’s not much to say about a show that’s already awesome, but this week’s episode was totally great.

The return of Nicole Sullivan is always worthwhile. Besides them killing her off, I was a bit miffed that they didn’t give her any scenes with Elliot, because watching the deluge of neuroticism play out is always brilliant.

And rabies?!! No one’s even mentioned rabies since The Goonies in 1985! Remember, when they move the rock and the bats attack? Martha Plimpton screams, “Rabies! Rabies!”

Nick tells me that TiVo tells him that Cox hits the bottle next week.


The Sopranos

Sort of boring. Nothing happening. Do I really care if Lauren Bacall gets punched in the face? Wasn’t it bad enough watching her struggle through the Oscars?

After the Sopranos ends, I have to quickly change the channel before I can watch one of the best songs in the world being butchered by the opening credits of Big Love, so I changed the channel and ended up watching Intervention.

DOWNER.

Think you’ve got it bad? Maybe you should watch a chick binge, stick her toothbrush down her throat, puke into a Ziploc bag, hide it in her closet for a week so her husband doesn’t find out, repeat this for every meal over the week, then collect an assortment of puke-filled Ziplocs at the end of the week in one big garbage bag and then find a bin down the road to throw it in.


Veronica Mars

Maybe the narrator last year didn’t have enough fun with “WHO RAPED VERONICA MARS?” and this year wants to up the stakes with “WHO GAVE VERONICA MARS CHLAMYDIA?”

In case you weren’t confused enough with the 80 questions floating around this season, you can now add another.

Like I said last week, let’s keep an eye out on this Lucky dude, because he’s obviously in the know about some important stuff. Okay, and can I just say that I really, really don’t like seeing the post-plastic surgery Steve Guttenberg in a wife beater.

How sad was the stuff between Logan and Veronica? But I must not dwell, so let's discus how much I want this jacket.

Snap Judgment: Terror in all its forms

Pretty interesting assortment this week, and by the end of this post I just might be going to hell. Tune in later to find out! For now, let's see what IMDB has to offer.


RV (comedy, rated PG, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, written by Geoff Rodkey)

Well, shit. Now I kind of want to see this to find out how the van got up there. Does it have some kind of super 4-wheel-drive traction thingy? Was it airlifted? Did the manufacturer just choose a really inopportune location for their assembly plant? All kidding aside, I checked out the brochure for the Winnebago Sightseer and found that the rear portion of the vehicle carries about 64% of the weight. That means that the RV is about a half-second away from plunging backwards down the face of the mountain. And while the passengers might not enjoy getting banged around on the genuine Portsmouth Oak cabinetry on the way down, the explosion of the 60-gallon fuel tank should ensure a mercifully quick demise for all involved. The only downside I can see is that Robin Williams will probably use a stunt double, thus enabling him to come back for such long-awaited sequels as Even Better Will Hunting, Exhumed Poets Society and, of course, House of E.


Akeelah and the Bee (drama, rated PG, written/directed by Doug Atchison)

Wasn't it nice of Starbucks to promote the hell out of this movie with all those catchy green coasters and hanging placards and stuff? They really did a good deed, there. Helped out a charming little movie and taught people some difficult words at the same time. This is the kind of thing that really makes me believe in the human-- what??? The movie was produced by STARBUCKS ENTERTAINMENT? No, I will not stand for that. There is no such phrase as Starbucks Entertainment. Sure, there's plenty of examples of Starbucks (small e) entertainment, like trying to predict how many times a cashier girl can repeat to an old lady that her latte costs THREE DOLLARS AND FIFTEEN CENTS, MA'AM before the girl's simmering internal rage causes the entire cafe to collapse in a spectacular Carrie-esque fashion complete with shaky camera and scenery-chewing Piper Laurie. But not with a capital E. Not even if their stated goal is to take uplifting documentaries from a few years back and make them even more audience-friendly by throwing in Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett. Tangential note: check it out, Wolfgang Bodison (aka Lance Corporal Harold W. Dawson III of A Few Good Men) plays the dad.

United 93 (docudrama, rated R, written/directed by Paul Greengrass)

INT. UNIVERSAL EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY
DATE: September 12, 2001

A BIG-TIME PRODUCER enters.

PRODUCER: Is this the right room for pitching, uh, you know, movies about, uh...
EXEC: Yeah.
PRODUCER: Okay, I figured, what with the line of 20 people outside the door...
EXEC: Yeah, we're fielding a lot of ideas.
PRODUCER: I don't want to be insensitive about this. I mean, I waited a full hour after the news before calling you guys yesterday, but I think the studio was closed.
EXEC: Right, it was just security stuff.
PRODUCER: Gotcha.
EXEC: So what's your take on it?
PRODUCER: Well, it's going to be tricky. I was over at Disney earlier and they're already going with the "talking dog foils terrorists" angle, so that's out, and Paramount's working on something with Tom Cruise going up against Bin Laden.
EXEC: No kidding. Hold on a sec. [speaks into intercom] Christy, cancel all the voice-actor auditions for the talking dogs.
PRODUCER: I think the only thing left is to play it straight.
EXEC: Really.
PRODUCER: But to be on the safe side, I think I can get you the dude who shot Bourne Supremacy.
EXEC: Sold.


Stick It (gymnastic comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Jessica Bendinger)

As the poster reminds us (as if it weren't already fairly obvious), this piece of high-energy entertainment comes straight from the pen of Jessica Bendinger of Bring It On fame and/or infamy. If you're like me, maybe you saw Bring It On because you were in love with Eliza Dushku and would have seen absolutely anything she was in, right up to and including a documentary on paper clip manufacturing or even the detestable City By the Sea. But then Bring It On turned out to be actually pretty entertaining, so maybe you bought the DVD when it came out. And maybe you watched it several times. Including once with the commentary. Hey, who am I to judge you? It's your life. And if you see this one too on the off chance that it's at least 60% as enjoyable (unlike Bring It On Again, which you might once have watched about twenty minutes of before turning it off in disgust), then I won't judge you for that either. Even though that girl on the poster isn't anywhere near as hot as Eliza.

Brick: The First Pop Whore Movie Debate

Once upon a time, also known as "Saturday," your beloved editors saw Brick, which you may remember was already hyped in Snap Judgment a few weeks prior. It turned out to be a movie neither to collectively gush over nor collectively slam. Rather, we were a bit divided on the issue. So we figured the best way to present our respective thoughts would be in a debate/interview format, conducted over e-mail and offered for your enjoyment below.

(Key: Eti = regular type; Nick = bold type)

* * * * *

So Nick, you recently schlepped a bunch of us out to the Sherman Oaks Galleria to spend $10.50 on "Brick." If I didn't actually live in Sherman Oaks, I'd be sort of offended. What do you have to say for yourself?

Oh, I'm sorry, would you really rather have stood in line the extra 40 minutes at Universal Studios to get the so-called "free tickets" promised to you and me by the good people of Cingular? Anyway, putting aside the fact that I technically schlepped farther than anyone else, I'll simply say that all I did was instigate a group viewing of a really great movie.

Since I actually got nothing out of Brick other than a few chuckles, but not even the good kind, but rather, the I'm-shaking-my-head-beacuse-this-is-sort-of-kind-of-really-stupid chuckles... which I could've gotten standing in line at Universal Studios making fun of the tourists who are there in a totally non-sarcastic "I just shelled out $70 bucks for this" manner. So, to answer your question, yes, perhaps I would've rather stood in line at Universal Studios.

Shall we begin to explore our dueling positions on this movie or do you want to talk about my favorite color?

Is your bra size a matter of national security? Okay, that's probably enough of the oblique A Few Good Men references that only you and I will ever get. So I'll get to the point. Rare phenomenon though it may be, Brick is exactly what it was pitched as. It's a genuine film noir throwback, populated with exactly the kinds of personalities you'd see in anything from The Maltese Falcon to L.A. Confidential, except with high school kids playing the roles. Do they talk anything like actual high school kids talk? No. Does anyone in any film noir ever talk the way normal people talk? Of course not. Is that why noir is probably the best genre ever? Yes. Am I done answering my own questions? Almost. Does Brick absolutely rock? I thought so.

[Over IM, Eti calls Nick out for failing to end the last e-mail with a question]

Eti (3:05:44 PM): thanks for setting me up with a question, biatch
Nick (3:06:07 PM): oh right
Nick (3:06:16 PM): ok make the last line
Nick (3:07:03 PM): And I know you enjoy a lot of pseudo-realistic noir films yourself, so what gives?
Eti (3:07:06 PM): nah, i'm responding as is
Eti (3:07:18 PM): or i can slip in this IM
Eti (3:07:20 PM): which i will
Nick (3:07:25 PM): ok
Eti (3:07:29 PM): meta!

[Debate continues.]

To answer your faux-question, yes, my boobs are a matter of national security. These babies can kill. Haven't you ever seen the 1991 movie about them starring Richard Grieco called "If Boobs Could Kill?" Thought so.

Anyway, I like noir type movies. I really do. But I had a really hard time liking Brick.

I had a hard time believing anything about it; even the aspects that were tongue-in-cheek seemed completely staged like a bad high school play. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's babbling seemed like he was doing an (incorrectly) un-ironic imitation of a hard-ass detective who's been walking the mean streets for 20 years. It just didn't work for me. Like do I actually see Joseph Gordon-Levitt beating up a kid who is three times his body weight because he's "smarter?" No.

In addition to all the inane lingo (which drove me completely up the wall), all the characters were totally unlikeable and pathetic. It was like a portrayal of stupid kids with drugs and guns, who have a totally skewed elitist view of themselves and their self-worth. I have a hard enough time watching that when it happens in real life.

But that's really besides the point, because I just didn't like the "mystery." It just seemed like a big mish-mosh of 10 other movie plots and so when the case was solved in the end, I really didnt' care.

Why did you find it to be that spectacular?

Well, I'll never understand why "If Looks Could Kill" didn't usher in an entire era of Cinema de Grieco; I mean, when I was 13 I thought it was pretty much the awesome-est movie ever and watched the tape at least three times before returning it to the video store. No joke: it's easily the best project Darren Star was ever associated with.

Now, what were we talking about? Oh, right.

I'd understand someone being more dismissive of Brick if it had really just been a film-school exercise in transposing a 1940's detective plot and dialogue into a 2005 high school (though I probably still would have enjoyed it). But I really felt it was more than that. At its core it was a pretty accurate representation of teenage life: the feelings of isolation and extreme cynicism, not quite having the resources to get things done yourself but also not wanting anyone else's help. And it conveyed these feelings under the guise of a hard-boiled mystery plot, which to me is a lot more interesting than conveying them by having people sit around talking. I'll concede that none of the characters is very likable, even the hero, but that's pretty much par for the course in noir. Match Point didn't exactly give you anyone to root for, either; you just stuck with it to find out how messed up things could get by the end... which is pretty much exactly what I was invested in with this movie.

So what disappointed you so much? Were you expecting a big-screen Veronica Mars?

Even prior to my seeing the trailer, you sold it to me as exactly that. And you know from first-hand experience that I wasn't too turned on by the trailer to begin with. I thought it looked kind of weird; like they were selling it to us as one of those weird mind fuck movies where you feel like you're in a dream you don't understand. But I figured I'd give it the benefit of the doubt.

Basically, I was hoping for a better plot than just drugs, guns and manipulative kids. For some reason, it just seemed really out of place to me. Maybe I would've believed it a little more if the dialogue wasn't so "check us out, we're speaking in our cool-kid code" or at the very least, if the kids were in their twenties, but definitely not in high school. And if you're hell bent on setting the movie in high school, then for god's sake, be a little less pretentious. I couldn't take any of these kids seriously.

And I beg to differ, but in Match Point, you did have some people to root for. At the very least, you had Chloe and her family, to more or less of an extent, which did a good job of making Chris and Nola unlikeable for a reason.

Even still, you were given enough of an interesting psychological aspect to think about such as social climbers and haves vs. have nots. Match Point gave the audience a tiny little shred of sympathy for both the Chris and Nola characters, as hateful as they were. By the end, you were like, Nola's fucked up, but Chris is even more fucked up, so who do I hate more and why do I hate one less than the other?

Brick made me feel absolutely nothing for anyone and I really didn't care enough about any of them to want to see anything happen with them; good or bad. I just wanted the stupid story to end.

The worst part is that the "hard-boiled mystery plot" that you speak of wasn't even that intricate or fucked up. I thought it was very basic and they just kept throwing in new characters and artsy fartsy bullshit and dialogue to make it seem complex. I felt that throwing in Emily's pregnancy was about the stupidest thing they could've done because it was a total cop-out.

Brick was nowhere near as psychologically interesting as Match Point. In fact, it wasn't psychologically interesting period, because it never gave you any background or motivation.

No, there's not any kind of exact parallel between the two movies; I was mainly pointing out that you don't really have to like a character to be interested in seeing what happens to him or her. Still, Brick did get under my skin similar to the way Match Point did, and not many movies can do that for me. You can call it pretentious, but just about every good movie risks being pretentious when it believes completely in its own internal logic without copping out by giving a wink to the audience. It only seems pretentious when you don't end up going along with it.

I'm surprised that the dialogue was such an issue for you. The kids on Buffy, Veronica Mars, and The OC don't exactly talk like real American high schoolers either, but (in general) they behave like them, and that's the important part. The culture, subculture, and sub-sub-subculture were all painted pretty accurately except, like I said, they were represented in a sort of heightened reality. The language was crucial in drawing you into that reality, just like it is in Tarantino's films or on The Sopranos or any number of other things.

Yeah, at essence the plot was pretty basic. Except in a few cases (like The Big Sleep), a good film noir isn't about a lot of twists and turns; it's about sending a character down a dark path that they more or less know the end of but can't turn back from. In Brendan's case, he knew from the beginning that nothing good was going to come of anything he did, but he had to see it through because he had to know. That made him not only interesting, but also believable on a certain level because you can imagine a high school kid having that kind of stubborn determination. The background and motivation were there; they weren't spelled out, but I could understand well enough what kinds of people the characters were and what made them vulnerable. And as far as I can remember, all the important characters were introduced within the first 20 minutes if not sooner.

That's exactly the thing I didn't like. I felt like the kids didn't talk or act like high schoolers. The plot was completely unbelievable because it kept teetering between the "real" reality and the one made up for the movie. Seriously, in what alternate universe does a vice principal in a wealthy upper-class southern California community know about a missing girl from the very high school that he works at and something bad about to go down involving drugs AND gives a kid room to operate without calling the cops or getting authorities involved?

Tarantino's films tend to have a completely made-up world within the real world, but they never teeter back and forth and are therefore very easy to buy into and accept at face value. Whereas, I felt Brick completely went back and forth between the two worlds whenever and wherever it was convenient for them.

I felt the movie stuck to its own reality exclusively. Within a few minutes, and as each of the main characters was introduced, I got absorbed enough in Brick's world to accept whatever else happened within it. It's kind of learning a foreign language -- and I'm not talking specifically about the nature of the dialogue (though, of course, that's part of it) but how at a certain point, your brain can process the information organically without having to translate it into something it understands. It's also like Dance Dance Revolution: you eventually get used to looking at the arrows, and your brain can just tell your feet what to do.

Yes, I concur. However, I get a lot more pleasure from embarrassing myself at the arcade trying to "dance" on a metal pad than I ever did sitting on my ass being bored to death.

To think that I blew 21 games of DDR on Brick is sad.

Hey, you still had plenty of time to play DDR afterwards. We owned that part of the Sherman Oaks Castle Park arcade for a solid half hour. And seeing Brick gave us a new vocabulary word.

Brick (n): Something that Nick and Eti completely disagree on.

"Eti thinks Beaches is the greatest movie ever, but I wanted to chew my hand off to distract me from Bette Midler. It's a total Brick."

"The Rock was such a complete Brick." Hey that's a clever play on words, Eti. Thanks, yo. Word.

Well, I can see you don't even need me to ask questions anymore. This interview is over!

Not Without My Snaggle

Let’s get right to the good stuff.

America's Next Top Model

Joanie bid au revoir to the snaggle while Danielle rocked the gap.

Joanie saying that she considered herself lucky if she was able to see a dentist once a year for a check up made me flash to Joanie living in the Ozarks, wearing overalls and not being able to afford shoes. Yeah, you guys know what I’m talking about.

I’ve loved Danielle since she made me cry in her first interview when she talked about having to take care of her mother who suffers from really bad arthritis, but why not fix the gap?

The rest of the episode featured Furonda and Sara just laying low and doing their things. Nnenna was sociopathic as usual and wasn’t happy to see her boyfriend. Jade’s mom “fluffed” her down (insert collective “ew” here). And Tyra jabbed glycerine into the girls’ eyes to make them cry...but beautifully.

For the photoshoot, the girls had to be dolls. Joanie was a ventriloquist’s dummy, Danielle was a marionette, Sara was a teen doll, Brooke was a glam doll, Nnenna was a baby doll and Jade was a man..nequin. Trust me, this is better in pictures.

As usual, and obviously, Joanie and Danielle’s pictures were by far the best.


Ever since this episode aired, I’ve been listening to the Chicago soundtrack, particularly, “We Both Reached For the Gun” picturing Joanie as Renee Zellweger (only much more likeable), Danielle as Christine Boranski and that Alexander Rankovic (ie, the hot male model) as Richard Gere. Only then will I ever be able to justify Chicago winning any sort of best picture award.

Nnenna’s baby doll pictures were so creepy, that I totally flashed to “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.” Seriously, Nnenna needs to play up the crazy more. Less stuffed animals and more invalid sisters:


I really liked Joanie and Sara’s black and white pictures.


But in the end, Brooke was sent home over Jade. Nigel is really fucking getting on my nerves with his stupid comments and creepy leering. But at least the judges are getting tired of Jade’s shit.

It would be SO great if Joanie and Danielle made it to the final two and then both won. Here’s to hoping.

For much better ANTM recaps go to the Four-Four blog.


The Apprentice

No Apprentice this week because of Celebrity Cooking Showdown, but last week we got two.

Episode 7 was called “It’s More Than Decor” but it totally should’ve been called “The Blimp Stops Here.” There was some good stuff in there, including many great Lenny-isms, numerous attempts at the shutting up of Charmaine and of course, more jackass-ness from Tarek, who is single-handedly bringing down Mensa...to which I say, amen!

But in the end, Lenny was sent home; or as Trump would call it, “back to Syberia.” Then again, Lenny lives in Jersey, so I guess there’s no real difference.

Moreover, I deeply regret having to inform you that episode 8 was called “A Slice Of Heaven.” Okay, that’s just wrong. You see, there’s this great movie called “Mystic Pizza” and when I think “a slice of heaven,” I think of a sweet coming of age story in which Lily Taylor, Annabeth Gish and Julia Roberts wearing “A Slice of Heaven” t-shirts...not some shitty 7-11 cold cuts on pizza travesty.

Anyway, it came down to Lee and Leslie, wherein Leslie got the boot on her birthday, but not before Trump could almost make an anti-semitic quip and then a weird whooshing noise post-firing. I guess that’s his new cobra. Not quite the slice of heaven Leslie was hoping for.


The L Word

I know, I know. The show ended like three weeks ago, but I never posted about it. So, I’ll keep it brief.

(Surprisingly?!!) the show was able to reach all new levels of suck. It went a little something like this:

Alice and Lara! Fast forward, boring, fast forward, boring...“Hey, Alice and Lara! Sweet!” Fast forward, boring, boring. “What was Lara going to tell Alice?!!” Boring, snore, the end.

I don’t even care what happened. If it weren’t for Alice and Lara pooling their collective grief over Dana’s death into smoldering hotness, this show would be absolutely dead to me. I imagine next year will be watched in a similar fashion, that is, if Chaiken and Co. don’t fuck this up too.

See you next Tuesday...or in nine months.


Veronica Mars

Tres dark! Similar to last year, Rob Thomas is doing that thing where he’s making everyone a suspect. Unfortunately, I can’t get into all my theories right now because that would require both of us to sit here for hours. So let’s just quickly discuss this week’s episode.

Kendall’s been watching herself some “Body Heat.” But would Rob Thomas really hand us such an easy scenario? I’m thinking not quite. As usual, something is bound to be revealed next week. I think we need to keep an eye out on that Lucky guy. After all, he was in Iraq...and what better place to learn to make bombs?

Also, if Liam Fitzpatrick looks familiar to you, it’s because he’s played by Rodney Rowland, who you may remember from the talking tattoo episode of “The X-Files” called “Never Again,” which featured Jodie Foster as the voice of the tattoo. This too is old news, I just never got around to it.

And in even older news, after the show was filmed, Gillian Anderson and Rodney Rowland dated for about a year. Can’t say I blame her.

Snap Judgment: Which is safer, the White House or a creepy demon world?

Eti has passed the SJ hat back to me, so let's see what's being inflicted on our feeble minds this weekend. IMDB, would you like to do the honors?



Silent Hill (horror/videogame adaptation, rated R, directed by Christophe Gans, written by Christophe Gans, Roger Avary, and Nicolas Boukhrief)

It's a sad commentary on the state of childcare in America that a mother can't keep an eye on her daughter long enough to prevent her from slipping into a hell-dimension underworld place. I mean, when I was this girl's age, a kid couldn't even slip into the Atari aisle at Toys R Us without an eagle-eyed parent hot on his or her trail. But the only babysitters children have these days are MySpace, iPod Nanos, and Yu-Gi-Oh. Where's the accountability there? I once had a babysitter who made popcorn on the stove without permission (because, yes, this was before microwave popcorn existed) and was summarily dismissed from any future babysitting duties when my parents returned home. So you can imagine how pissed they would have been if the girl had taken me into a torch-lit dungeon and tried to transfer my soul into some demon spawn. I'll tell you one thing, there sure wouldn't have been any offers of take-home Chips Ahoy in a ziploc bag.



The Sentinel (thriller, rated PG-13, directed by Clark Johnson, screenplay by George Nolfi from the novel by Gerald Petievich)

So, we all heard about Kiefer Sutherland signing with Fox for another 3 years of 24 and becoming, technically, the highest-paid TV actor in history. Naturally, that kind of job security doesn't come cheap. He's probably got that "Don't Forget, You're Here Forever" plaque up in his trailer, except it's from Rupert Murdoch instead of Mr. Burns. So, if Fox wants him to star in a movie that's essentially a special 2-hour 24 with slightly better guest actors, he can throw all the tantrums he wants but he better show up at his call time. Speaking of which, here are some Kiefer stories, courtesy of Defamer, that are likely to be more interesting than this movie. This one. Or this one. Or even this one. Of course, it's no coincidence that Michael Douglas was in on this film. No doubt he's achieved legendary crazy-ego-handling status in the years since The Ghost and the Darkness, wherein he successfully kept Val Kilmer's Kilmer-ness to a dull roar. But the real winner here is Eva Longoria, who somehow managed to make the jump from a Touchstone-produced show to a serious big-screen movie without being forced into a role in some kind of Disney movie involving either wacky Christmas antics or human beings turning into animals.



American Dreamz (comedy/satire, rated PG-13, written/directed by Paul Weitz)

Movies that aggressively promote themselves as wicked satires, how do I love thee? Let me watch Death to Smoochy and count the ways. On the plus side: Paul Weitz's next movie is called "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City." Even if that one's lame too, the Snap Judgment practically writes itself.

Remember To Spit

Almost a year ago, a creepy UPN voice-over hyped the Veronica Mars episode “A Trip To The Dentist” by asserting in a strange and totally inappropriate way “WHO RAPED VERONICA MARS?”

Last night, a similar UPN type voice-over not-so-creepily hyped America’s Next Top Model by saying “and the girls get a trip to the dentist.”

I'm sorry, but that’s the best unintentional cross-promotion ever!

More on the greatness of Veronica and Joanie (now sans snaggletooth) this weekend in the TV Roundup.

It's already been Snapped, so I guess I better Judge something else

Since the prettier half of Pop Whore kindly took over Snap Judgment in my absence yesterday, I'm going to take a turn at one of the features that's usually Eti's territory -- that mysterious creature known as the TV roundup.

I might not have much to say, and what I can come up with might not be all that interesting, but bear with me. This is what I've been watching.

Ah, 24. Possibly the most exciting show in the history of television, yet if you put together the right montage of clips, you could totally convince someone that it was just about a really stressed-out IT department. And in an age where we have less and less of an idea about how our government fights its supposed enemies, 24 makes the answer refreshingly clear: by shooting people and uploading things to PDAs.

This season, like others before it, started off fairly awesomely but slowed down about 7 or 8 weeks in. Fortunately it's now back in fine form: the president is the one behind all the terrorism, the dude who played RoboCop is his chief henchman, and since Homeland Security fired basically everyone at CTU, Kiefer probably won't be making any boring trips back there in the near future. Gosh, I hope he wasn't in the middle of anything important when he left...

JackBauerCTU: yeah logan totally doesn't deserve rory
TulipGrrl78: omg ur so right... y did she go back w/him?
JackBauerCTU: i think shes kind of using him now
TulipGrrl78: ooh that would be crazee
JackBauerCTU: i read an awesome spoiler about luke and lorelai, want 2 hear?
TulipGrrl78: yesyesyesyesyesyes!
JackBauerCTU: sorry national security thingy... brb

In the immortal words of Keith Mars, "God, I love a good segue!" Actually, the music on this show and the one above sound virtually the same a lot of the time, so there you go. Anyway, the current crop of competitors (alliteration absolutely accidental) has been reduced to five teams: four of them young and energetic, one determined but in their early 60s. The latter (Fran & Barry) have been surprisingly effective at competing with their youthful adversaries, as well as much more entertaining than most of them -- I mean, how could you not crack a smile when Fran made it through a terrifying bungee jump only to be one-upped by Barry backing their SUV into a tree and shattering the back window? This is the kind of stuff that the younger teams (especially the interchangeably moronic Eric & Jeremy and BJ & Tyler) just can't provide. In any case, I'm a little soured on the whole season now that Dave & Lori have been eliminated. Unabashedly geeky and perfectly willing to use words like "unilaterally" when arguing over directions, they were the team that I most idolized. If I get to run the race one day with some fantasy bespectacled girlfriend, I hope we can live up to their fine example.

OK, so I haven't quite gotten around to watching last week's episode yet. Then again I'm not looking forward to it all that much -- it was written and directed by Daniel Palladino, otherwise known as the dude who never would have gotten within a thousand yards of this show if he weren't married to the creator. Since he doesn't write the characters very well (he makes girls sound like guys and guys sound like idiots), he compensates by focusing on his hidden agenda: to let you, the viewer, know that he knows everything about every hip band out there. Often, his references are so shoehorned into the script that they end up making about as much sense as your average first-grader's improvised joke, but that never stops him. Example:

RORY: Hi.
LOGAN: Why are you up?
RORY: It's 11:04, the whole world is up.
LOGAN: Keith Richards isn't up. Pete Doherty isn't up.

Oh, and did I mention that this same episode also featured the entirely random appearance of a zydeco band? Seriously, I think the whole world (up to and including Palladino himself) would be much better off if, for his next episode, he just got up in front of the camera and listed off the contents of his iPod. The rest of us would nod approvingly and say "Yes, Daniel, we understand that for a rich white guy in your 40s, you sure do know a lot about different kinds of music," and he could go home with the validation he so desperately seeks and never pollute another episode of this otherwise kick-ass show.

I have to put the America's Next Top Model logo (or whatever version thereof I could find) up there out of obligation, but I only really want to talk about Joanie.

She doesn't just deserve to be crowned America's Next Top Model; she should pretty much be America's (or, hell, the World's) Only Top Model. Why do we need other models anyway? Most of them aren't even that attractive. And some of them are Kate Moss. But I digress. See, it's not visible in this picture, but Joanie has a mad snaggletooth. Credit goes to Potes for coining the italicized phrase (a phrase which I think should be placed in a literary time capsule for future generations to admire). And credit goes to Joanie for having by far the best snaggletooth in the entire history of snaggleteeth. Move over, Keira Knightley, for you have been dethroned. This is the kind of snaggletooth that should make dental schools rewrite their textbooks to change the definition of a perfect set of teeth. Oral surgeons across the world should be inundated with requests to have the first bicuspid altered to stick out a few inches. "Give me the Joanie," girls will say; leading, perhaps, to some regrettable jokes from receptionists about an early 1980's Scott Baio television series but also leading to a generation of beautifully quirky mouths.

But no. According to the preview for this week's episode, Joanie actually goes under the knife to have her snaggletooth and three of its slightly less snaggly siblings... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can finish this sentence... fixed. Yes. I'm shocked. I'm not entirely sure I'll make it through that hour of television. Please, everyone, a moment of silence in honor of the fallen snaggletooth.

Thank you.

Snap Judgment: Jesus Died For Your Sin[fully bad movie]s

Nick is on a plane to Boston for the Good Friday weekend. I’m stuck here eating matzah and wondering: Will the movies opening today be able to hold my attention longer than a shiny object? Let’s consult the IMDB and find out...

Scary Movie 4 (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by David Zucker, written by Craig Mazinand Jim Abrahams)

Another 45 million dollars well spent on 83 minutes of scrotum jokes, people walking into inanimate objects and d-listed cameos. Now, I’m no math wiz, but I’d really love it if someone paid me $542,168.67 for every gross minute of my clumsy existence. You know, kind of like the cast of Friends.

I predict this movie will be brilliant in the same way a high school play is brilliant; terribly laughable, albeit amusing for the hour and twenty minutes that you’re forced to sit through. The 16 year olds in the audience will say stupid things and make noises that can only be construed as bodily functions stemming from somewhere below the waist. You’ll get mad and want to tell them to shut up because you didn’t shell out ten bucks for that, but you hold back because you don’t want to be the one rigid asshole without a sense of humor. Be a little meta for Christ’s sake, you tell yourself. But then the nanosecond after you walk out – ooooh, shiny object.

The Notorious Bettie Page (dramatic biopic, rated R, directed by Mary Harron, written by Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner)

Think wholesome, sweet and smart Christian girl from middle America taking a debaucherously kinky turn in front of the camera and becoming a phantasmically successful pin up queen / cult icon, only to then disappear off the face of the earth into a life of strict anonymity.

Basically, it’s like the extended movie version of last season’s Ford pin-up episode of America’s Next Top Model if Sarah came back from Booneville and Kim donned a leopard bathing suit and tied her up.

Two tickets for “The Notorious Bettie Page,” please...

The Wild (animation, rated G, directed by Steve 'Spaz' Williams, written by Ed Decter, Mark Gibson, Philip Halprin and John J. Strauss)

Okay, IMDB has the plot described as:

“A adolescent lion is accidentally shipped from the New York Zoo to Africa. Now running free, his zoo pals must put aside their differences to help bring him back.”

Two problems already.

One: "A adolescent" is grammatically incorrect.

Two: Didn't this movie come out last year? And wasn't it called "Madagascar?"

Remember in 1998, “Armageddon” and “Deep Impact” came out at the same time and everyone was at home scratching their heads because they didn’t know which shitty meteor-causes-the-end-of-the-world movie to go see?

Well, this is sort of like that, only instead of sending a message about living life to the fullest and the pre-orgasmic notion of Morgan Freeman as the president of the United States, this movie sends a heartwarming and profound message about a lion, a giraffe, a koala, a snake – ooooh shiny object.

Hard Candy (drama, rated R, directed by David Slade, written by Brian Nelson)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the internet dating waters, comes this “provocative drama about a 32-year-old man who takes home a 14-year-old girl he meets on the Internet--with surprising consequences.”

If ever there was a more appropriate “The More You Know” PSA, this would be it: Pedophilia is provocative and has surprising consequences. SO true! IMDB tells you no lies, my friends.

Everything about this movie just oozes creepy. The title, the poster, the trailer, the actors. And speaking of, here’s other stuff IMDB told me in exchange for a Snickers bar and a game I like to call Mr. Bubbles:

Jeff Kohlver has the following movies to his credit: Little Children, Running with Scissors, American Gothic and My Sister's Wedding.

Hayley Stark has: Mouth to Mouth, Love That Boy, Touch & Go and The Wet Season.

This one just sort of writes itself.