Not-so-Snap Judgment: STOP! WAIT! THERE'S STILL TIME!

Well, this is the first time today I've been able to get into Blogger to post, and I know there's not much time to warn the populace before they go out and spend hard-earned, -borrowed, or -stolen money on any of these films. So here I go.



Invincible (football, rated PG, directed by Ericson Core, written by Brad Gann)

Gah! Not another one of those movies about a giant football-playing former rapper terrorizing a small town. Spread the word, kid-running-through-the-streets! Before that monster subjects the entire village to his bizarre cover of "Walk on the Wild Side"!

Also: you can't call a movie "Invincible" and not put the seminal Pat Benatar song "Invincible (Theme from The Legend of Billy Jean)" on the soundtrack. It's in the rules. Seriously. You can check.

Idlewild (musical, I guess; rated R, written/directed by Bryan Barber)

INT. HBO FILMS OFFICES - DAY

An uncertain receptionist cautiously enters Executive's office.

Receptionist: Um, the guy who directed the "Hey Ya!" video is here to see you. I don't believe he has an appointment.
Executive: No way! I freaking love that video! Send that dude in. Have you offered him a drink?
Receptionist: Yeah, he asked for an old-fashioned Coca-Cola in a glass bottle with that 1940's sepia-toned look to it. I checked the fridge but I don't think we have that.
Executive: Well, find it.
Receptionist: I don't know where--
Executive: FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKING SEPIA TONED COCA-COLA BOTTLE OR IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB!
Receptionist: Of... of course.
Executive: And tell him he can have $15 million to make his movie.
Receptionist: Do you want to see him?
Executive: Nah, I don't really have time. I'm already 53 hours late for my lunch with what's-his-name. Take the $15 million from petty cash.
Receptionist: Um, okay.

The receptionist walks back out.

Receptionist: Mr. Barber, I've been told to tell you you can have $15 million to make your movie.
Bryan Barber: Are you shitting me? I just came in here to ask for a copy of last week's Entourage. My Tivo's been out of whack.
Receptionist: Hold on and I'll get you your money.
Bryan Barber: Goddamn! I can make whatever the hell kind of movie I want! Like when Eddie Murphy got to do Harlem Nights! In fact, shit, I'll make something just like that! Now where's my Jazz Age fuckin' Coca-Cola bottle already?

* * * * * * * * * * *

And that's all I have time for. I doubt the rest are anything to write home about either, but I guess bring a pre-stamped postcard along just in case they are.

Snap Judgment: What? On a what???

At long last, the Friday we've been waiting for all summer is here. Yes, of course, I'm talking about the day that I finally make an appointment with my podiatrist about that little toenail issue. (Just kidding. I don't actually have a podiatrist. In fact, I don't even have feet! Long story on that one -- let me just tell you, if you drop your iPod into an industrial trash compactor, and climb in to try to fish it out, and you manage to retrieve it, and then your shoe falls off on the way out, just leave it. An extra trip to the Skechers on 3rd Street is a lot more pleasant of a proposition than a lifetime spent trying to find other uses for your now-extraneous socks.)



Snakes on a Plane (thriller, rated R, directed by David Ellis, written by John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez, and David Dalessandro)

Well, as the literally interpreted poster helpfully demonstrates to us, it's actually Snakes IN a Plane. If the snakes were just on the plane, they'd be kind of creepy and annoying but most likely would just fall off the fuselage at some point in the initial ascent and/or get sucked into the engine. Good thing that's not the case! Those snakes deserve safe air travel as much as the rest of us, especially since as far as I know, they're not trying to carry on any hair gel or nail clippers.

Anyway, we all know this is supposed to be a big hit, and "we all" obviously includes rival studios and even rival movie-producing countries who will no doubt take the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon. Our team of devoted Pop Whore interns, working long hours for nothing more than college credit and the occasional bottle of Dasani, has scoured the globe to see what sort of shameless knock-offs are in the works.

England: Hedgehogs on a Surrey

1800s period piece starring Colin Firth, Keira Knightley, and Alan Rickman. Based on the lesser-known Jane Austen novel. Guaranteed to bring down the house when Firth's character delivers the memorable line, "Do give pardon to my plebeian utterances, but I must say I have had quite enough of these blasted hedghehogs on this blasted surrey!"

India: Mongooses on a Rickshaw

It's a nail-biting thriller, of course, but it's also a romantic comedy of manners and arranged marriages. Also features a 35-minute musical interlude with dancing mongooses. Rumor has it Will Smith already wants to adapt this one for America.

Mexico: Los Gorgojos de Cápsula en un Burro (Boll Weevils on a Donkey)

A more traditional tale of a struggling family's hopes and dreams amid the specter of poverty, oppression, and yes, those damn boll weevils.

Australia: Koalas on a Range Rover

Finally, a suitable comeback vehicle for Paul Hogan! I hear they're throwing a lot of money at Heath Ledger to join him.

The Illusionist (drama, rated PG-13, written/directed by Neil Burger, from the short story by Steven Millhauser)

Wait, there are other movies this week? Really? Wow. Someone must not like this one very much to put it out at the same time as that reptile flick. Imagine how the filmmakers must feel, going around to all their usual social functions and attempting to toss off a cool line like, "Hey, I've got a movie opening this weekend," only to be met with the response "OH SHIT, THE ONE WITH THE SNAKES?" and being forced to reply, "No, it's actually a provocative period--" "HEY EVERYONE, THIS DUDE WORKED ON THE SNAKE MOVIE! LET'S ASK HIM TO DO THE 'MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANE' LINE! C'MON, IT'LL BE FUN! DRINKS ARE ON HIM! THAT MOVIE'S GOING TO BE HUGE!" And so it goes.

Material Girls (comedy, rated PG, directed by Martha Coolidge, written by John Quaintance, Jessica O'Toole, Amy Rardin)

Those lovable Duff sisters, deprived of the easy Lohanesque publicity that goes along with regular drunkenness, slackerness, and almost-being-fired-from-movieness, have been forced to actually appear in a film and do their best to be amusing and funny. Yes, apparently there are still a few actresses who follow this almost charmingly old-fashioned route to continued fame. I just wonder if such an outdated approach can possibly compete with today's advanced techniques of public vomiting, kinkajou injuries, and accidental exposure of frighteningly grotesque plastic surgery enhancements. We'll just have to wait and see.

Snap Judgment: Um, I actually think we're kind of ready for those snakes by now

Yeah, this looks like another "exciting" "weekend" to "go" to "the" movies.

Let's get this over with.


World Trade Center (docudrama, rated PG-13, directed by Oliver Stone, written by Andrea Berloff)

"Too soon," some people say. And they're right! By all accounts, this is as factual and exact a retelling of the true story as you can get. Which is fine and great for, like, the History Channel or A&E, but this is OLIVER FREAKING STONE. We don't see his movies for accuracy; we see them because of his uncanny ability to make up the craziest shit imaginable and convince us it's true. And he needed to wait another 20 years or so to make this film so he really could have done himself justice. There's a reason he did JFK in 1991 instead of, like, 1968. A couple decades buys you the artistic license to throw in some psychadelia, eerie John Williams music, and a scenery-chewing Tommy Lee Jones. I don't think you'll find any of those elements in this movie. Sigh. I hope there's at least a little clip after the end credits where Stone comes running out yelling "THE CIA DID IT! THOSE WEREN'T EVEN REAL PLANES! AND I THINK KIM JONG IL WAS IN ON IT TOO!" Because there's no way he can hold his conspiracy theory tongue for this long.

Pulse (horror, rated R, directed by Jim Sonzero, written by Wes Craven and Kiyoshi Kurosawa)

That poster looks like the nightmare you might have after sitting through some Japanese horror flick and then trying to calm yourself by watching the videos for "Oops I Did It Again" and "I'm A Slave 4 U." Anyway, even the presence of Veronica Mars still probably won't be enough to get me into the theater for this, because as Eti can tell you, I am a huge wuss who can't handle scary movies. The other thing I'm a little iffy about with this film is the fact that, according to the synopsis, the freaky evil whatevers get into our world via a wireless signal. I mean, we've barely had 3 years to enjoy the miracle of WiFi and it's already bringing in demons! Is this some kind of scare tactic on behalf of the studios to make us think twice before BitTorrenting their entire film libraries? We'll have to ask Eti after she sees it -- and yes she will, because it stars Kristen Bell and Ian Somerhalder, which basically equals her favorite game of Spin the Bottle ever.


Step Up (dance movie, rated PG-13, directed by Anne Fletcher, written by Duane Adler and Melissa Rosenberg)

For a second there I thought they finally made a movie out of the drinking game Rossanna and I created for The Apprentice, wherein you drink every time someone says "Step up." (This happens approximately 4,396 times per episode, so it's best to do it with sips instead of shots if you want to avoid having to pause the Tivo for a trip to the ER.) Sadly, it's just another movie about a couple of people doing a bunch of fancy (and, I assume, extremely well-edited) dance moves with a few scenes of laughter and, like, SOOOOO much drama interspersed throughout. Fun fact: Jenna Dewan (i.e., the one getting spun) toured as a dancer on P. Diddy's "We Invented The Remix" tour and Janet Jackson's "All For You" tour. But lest you think her acting chops aren't up to snuff, she also did guest spots on "Joey" and "Quintuplets" and played the title role (!) in the movie Tamara, which pretty much has the best tagline ever ("Revenge has a killer body"). Is someone going to Netflix that? Anyone? Please? Do I have to? Just look at the refreshingly grammar-free IMDB summary: Tamara, an unattractive girl, who is picked on by her peers returns after her death as a sexy seductress to exact revenge. "Unattractive girl", they say! I bet that means in the beginning of the movie she has glasses and, like, minimal foundation! So, uh, back to this dance movie business. I'm guessing the soundtrack probably has Sean Paul and Kelis. Or maybe that's because I just looked it up on Amazon. More importantly, it has a track by Clipse featuring Re-Up Gang and Roscoe P. Goldchain! Don't you wish that level of collaboration whoredom would spread to, say, novelists? Like instead of just buying the new Dave Eggers book, you could get the new Dave Eggers book featuring Sarah Vowell, Michael Chabon and Jeffrey Eugenides? Or Stephen King could put out a claustrophobic horror novel with a little Maya Angelou poetry breakdown on page 102? There's some untapped potential there, methinks.


Zoom (action/comedy, rated PG, directed by Peter Hew.... forget it, that's enough for one day, and P.S., they ALREADY MADE SPY KIDS LIKE THREE TIMES.)

Snap Judgment: Do they still, like, make movies anymore?

Because I'm not 100% sure at this point. Isn't Snakes on a Plane the only movie coming out this year? It sort of seems to be. And until they finally come out with MYSPACE: THE MOVIE, I kind of doubt there will be much else for the moviegoing (i.e., 14-17 year old) crowd to talk about.

But let's just take a look at what the studios are passing off as releases, you know, for the hell of it.



Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Adam McKay, written by Adam McKay & Will Ferrell)

Finally, a comedy to really skewer that NASCAR crowd. Except, you know, I'm guessing the NASCAR crowd are going to be the first ones in line. And I can imagine the post-film conversations at middle American Starbucks that are likely to arise. "Now, ya see there, Clem, that Anchorman guy there was doin' what's known as an ironic re-pre-sen-ta-tion of a real NASCAR driver, on account of all of us here know that in real life they's all serious athletes. But now, what makes it funny is the cognitive dissonance betwixt the reality we's all seein' on our Fox Sports Network and the al-ter-na-tive reality what's bein' represented to us via this here movin' picture." "Well, ah see yer point there, Trey, but ah still find mahself disturbed by the crass commercialization that -- WHAT THE CONSARN HELL YA CALL THIS THING, YA INBRED BASTARD, AH ASKED FOR A ONE PUMP MOCHA! ARE YA HOPIN' TA DEVELOP REAL ESTATE ON MAH THIGHS OR WHAT? JESUS MARY AND THA OTHER ONE, AH'VE A MIND TO KEY YER F-150!" You know, before the inevitable Truffaut vs. Fellini debate starts up.


The Descent (horror, rated R, written/directed by Neil Marshall)

Sure, it's about caves and darkness and being buried alive and devoured by deformed humanoid cannibal monsters, but it's also a chick flick! They're going to make money hand over fist with this one. Except they forgot to work the word "Wedding" into the title. Oops. Well, you know, the British aren't as marketing-savvy as we are. I'm sure that can be corrected in the inevitable American remake, Creatures Devouring People in a Cave Wedding With Pirates And, Uh, Also Some Snakes On Planes Because We Hear That's The Big Thing These Days And Let's Make Sure We Get At Least One Sean Paul Song On The Soundtrack.


The Night Listener (drama, rated R, directed by Patrick Stettner, written by Armistead Maupin, Terry Anderson & Patrick Stettner, from the book by Armistead Maupin)

I don't think I heard of this movie before today, but it's not surprising because it was just about time for Robin Williams's contractually obligated Take Me Seriously As A Dramatic Actor movie. I'm not sure if David Duchovny's House of D counted toward that total or not, since I think there's some kind of penalty or half-credit involved when Williams plays mentally challenged and/or prematurely aged roles. Anyway. It appears they tossed Rory Culkin into this one too, which gives us a nice opportunity to reflect on the fact that he's totally surpassed his older sibling what's-his-name in pretty much every arena except dating Mila Kunis. And since Rory is only a year away from turning 18, I'm sure it won't be long before some other fetishized TV actress scoops him up and whisks him off to the tabloids with her. Amanda Bynes, perhaps?