It's already been Snapped, so I guess I better Judge something else

Since the prettier half of Pop Whore kindly took over Snap Judgment in my absence yesterday, I'm going to take a turn at one of the features that's usually Eti's territory -- that mysterious creature known as the TV roundup.

I might not have much to say, and what I can come up with might not be all that interesting, but bear with me. This is what I've been watching.

Ah, 24. Possibly the most exciting show in the history of television, yet if you put together the right montage of clips, you could totally convince someone that it was just about a really stressed-out IT department. And in an age where we have less and less of an idea about how our government fights its supposed enemies, 24 makes the answer refreshingly clear: by shooting people and uploading things to PDAs.

This season, like others before it, started off fairly awesomely but slowed down about 7 or 8 weeks in. Fortunately it's now back in fine form: the president is the one behind all the terrorism, the dude who played RoboCop is his chief henchman, and since Homeland Security fired basically everyone at CTU, Kiefer probably won't be making any boring trips back there in the near future. Gosh, I hope he wasn't in the middle of anything important when he left...

JackBauerCTU: yeah logan totally doesn't deserve rory
TulipGrrl78: omg ur so right... y did she go back w/him?
JackBauerCTU: i think shes kind of using him now
TulipGrrl78: ooh that would be crazee
JackBauerCTU: i read an awesome spoiler about luke and lorelai, want 2 hear?
TulipGrrl78: yesyesyesyesyesyes!
JackBauerCTU: sorry national security thingy... brb

In the immortal words of Keith Mars, "God, I love a good segue!" Actually, the music on this show and the one above sound virtually the same a lot of the time, so there you go. Anyway, the current crop of competitors (alliteration absolutely accidental) has been reduced to five teams: four of them young and energetic, one determined but in their early 60s. The latter (Fran & Barry) have been surprisingly effective at competing with their youthful adversaries, as well as much more entertaining than most of them -- I mean, how could you not crack a smile when Fran made it through a terrifying bungee jump only to be one-upped by Barry backing their SUV into a tree and shattering the back window? This is the kind of stuff that the younger teams (especially the interchangeably moronic Eric & Jeremy and BJ & Tyler) just can't provide. In any case, I'm a little soured on the whole season now that Dave & Lori have been eliminated. Unabashedly geeky and perfectly willing to use words like "unilaterally" when arguing over directions, they were the team that I most idolized. If I get to run the race one day with some fantasy bespectacled girlfriend, I hope we can live up to their fine example.

OK, so I haven't quite gotten around to watching last week's episode yet. Then again I'm not looking forward to it all that much -- it was written and directed by Daniel Palladino, otherwise known as the dude who never would have gotten within a thousand yards of this show if he weren't married to the creator. Since he doesn't write the characters very well (he makes girls sound like guys and guys sound like idiots), he compensates by focusing on his hidden agenda: to let you, the viewer, know that he knows everything about every hip band out there. Often, his references are so shoehorned into the script that they end up making about as much sense as your average first-grader's improvised joke, but that never stops him. Example:

RORY: Hi.
LOGAN: Why are you up?
RORY: It's 11:04, the whole world is up.
LOGAN: Keith Richards isn't up. Pete Doherty isn't up.

Oh, and did I mention that this same episode also featured the entirely random appearance of a zydeco band? Seriously, I think the whole world (up to and including Palladino himself) would be much better off if, for his next episode, he just got up in front of the camera and listed off the contents of his iPod. The rest of us would nod approvingly and say "Yes, Daniel, we understand that for a rich white guy in your 40s, you sure do know a lot about different kinds of music," and he could go home with the validation he so desperately seeks and never pollute another episode of this otherwise kick-ass show.

I have to put the America's Next Top Model logo (or whatever version thereof I could find) up there out of obligation, but I only really want to talk about Joanie.

She doesn't just deserve to be crowned America's Next Top Model; she should pretty much be America's (or, hell, the World's) Only Top Model. Why do we need other models anyway? Most of them aren't even that attractive. And some of them are Kate Moss. But I digress. See, it's not visible in this picture, but Joanie has a mad snaggletooth. Credit goes to Potes for coining the italicized phrase (a phrase which I think should be placed in a literary time capsule for future generations to admire). And credit goes to Joanie for having by far the best snaggletooth in the entire history of snaggleteeth. Move over, Keira Knightley, for you have been dethroned. This is the kind of snaggletooth that should make dental schools rewrite their textbooks to change the definition of a perfect set of teeth. Oral surgeons across the world should be inundated with requests to have the first bicuspid altered to stick out a few inches. "Give me the Joanie," girls will say; leading, perhaps, to some regrettable jokes from receptionists about an early 1980's Scott Baio television series but also leading to a generation of beautifully quirky mouths.

But no. According to the preview for this week's episode, Joanie actually goes under the knife to have her snaggletooth and three of its slightly less snaggly siblings... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can finish this sentence... fixed. Yes. I'm shocked. I'm not entirely sure I'll make it through that hour of television. Please, everyone, a moment of silence in honor of the fallen snaggletooth.

Thank you.