Clarkson! The Trifecta

Alas, my delightfully grotesque threesome with Kelly Clarkson and Laguna Beach gets even more debauched!

Oh, shut up! You know you love it as much as I do!

As my moving plans fell through last night, I found myself sitting in the now-empty living room of my apartment with nothing but a La-Z-Boy, ridiculously ghetto tv set-up and a singular Ikea light shining the way as I dug through the remnants of my TiVo.

After getting up to begin work on what was to become my seven DVD back-up of iTunes, I sat back down and watched the kids of Laguna Beach do what they do best; bitch and moan mindlessly while flitting around each other’s ridiculously large homes. And after 22 strangely fascinating minutes of Stephen coming back to town for Valentine’s Day, Jessica and Jason breaking up and Kristin being somewhat (gulp) likeable (ew?), there was good old Kelly closing out the show with “Behind These Hazel Eyes!”

Touche, Laguna Beach! I totally trumped you Clarkson-style!

Kelly, honey, seems that just yesterday, you were a part of me. I used to stand so tall. I used to be so strong. Kelly, baby, I told you everything, opened up and let you in. Kelly, for hating you, I blame myself.

Oh, and as far as Laguna Beach goes, next week’s episode looks awesome. See you on Monday night, baby!

The Tenth Podcast!

As crazy as it sounds, we made it to the double-digits. Join us as we reminisce over our previous 9 podcasts, recap Eti's birthday party, and attempt to run various jokes into the ground.

Download Episode 10: The DecaCast right here.

Then use the comment link below to lavish praise upon our fascinatingly adorable selves, because how many other podcasters have made it this far? Okay, a lot. But what's your point? We're awesome and you know it.

OK if I say something now?

Far be it from me to steal Eti's thunder, especially given the entertainment value of her recent soft-yet-firm adventure, but I figured it had been a while since I contributed anything of note to the blog. Not that that's going to change with what I write here, so.... yeah, whatever.

Anyway, by now you're all familiar with the way Eti tends to get hooked on questionable music. You know the same thing happens to you, but you're just too shy to admit it. That's right: we can all hear you listening to "Now That's What I Call Music! Vol. 2,576" on the CD player in your Jetta, so don't bother keeping the windows rolled up because you're really not fooling anyone. (And by the way, hiding the Xtina disc in an Arcade Fire case? So fucking lame of you. Seriously, for shame.)

So I'd like to talk a little about my current auditory obsession, and while I'm not going to testify under oath to listening exclusively to quality stuff, it just so happens that the object of my focus would be unlikely to be mentioned in the same breath as American Idol, Casey Kasem's Top 40, or the booming overhead speakers at Abercrombie & Fitch. I'm talking, of course, about girlie indie pop duo Tegan & Sara. Chances are you've heard "Walking With a Ghost" on the radio at some point (but click that link if you haven't or want to hear it again), and maybe you thought something like "Okay, that's catchy, but isn't it just like the same 5 lines repeated over and over?" Eti sent me this very song earlier this year -- because she really does listen to good stuff most of the time -- and it got stuck in my head without my actually liking it at first. This is the way I usually am with music: hear it, hate it, learn to put up with it, sort of want to hear it again, have to hear it again, play it nonstop until I forget that my iPod is capable of playing anything else.

I was probably about at the "put up with it" stage with T&S when Eti loaded up my iPod with all three of their albums. Eventually I actually got around to playing them, starting with the most recent one, So Jealous. And it's pretty hard not to love that one. Starting with "You Wouldn't Like Me," ironically one of the more likable songs I've ever heard, it just hurls catchy stuff at you left and right until you don't know what's what. You know Michelle Branch? Avril? That ilk? If they didn't suck, they'd be Tegan & Sara. It's about that simple. They're sort of the Kissing Jessica Stein of female pop music, not just in the pair-of-cute-lesbians sense, but also in the sense of being a lot better than the fancier, bigger-money stuff without seeming to try all that hard. Yeah, it's still pop. so there's a lot of hookiness and repetition, but it always works. And the previous two albums, If It Was You and This Business of Art, also rock pretty hard even if they're not as immediately lovable.

So yeah, my iPod has been playing nothing but Tegan & Sara for weeks without complaining even once. That may be because the iPod is a non-sentient inanimate object lacking the capacity to identify such inherently humanistic traits as boredom or tiredness, but I'd like to think it's really because the music is just that fucking good.

New Breast Friend

Remember the episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda’s mom dies and she has to go buy a “shitty black bra” to go with her “shitty black dress” in Philadelphia? And after forcefully busting in on her, the sales lady tells her she’s been wearing the wrong size? Okay, picture that, only with Nordstrom and bigger boobs.

Now, you’d think that the girl who accompanied me in my endeavor -- yeah, the one who helped me pick out bras and got to come into the dressing room with me -- would want you to know who she is. You’d think she’d be screaming it from the rooftops. [I know I would. - Nick] [You wish. Be Quiet!!! - Eti] And yet, for some ungodly reason, my personal fitting consultant insisted she be kept anonymous. So, for anonymity’s sake, she will be referred to herein as “The Sparkler.”

Having given Nick the option of browsing either the Apple Store or Barnes & Noble (I like giving people options), the Sparkler and I headed towards Nordstrom. But not before Nick could fire off one very pertinent question: Why Nordstrom and not Victoria’s Secret? Well, the Sparkler, an individual with self-professed “special needs boobies,” advised that Nordstrom would be able to better accommodate us well-enhanced girls. To Nick’s chagrin, I’m sure it was the better choice because a bra shopping trip to Nordstrom would slightly curb his inclination to envision me and the Sparkler in black Ipex bras with angel wings pillow fighting with Tyra and Gisele. Hey, that’s kind of hot.

But I digress.

We hopped on the Nordstrom escalator and entered what was to become the war zone. When we got to the counter, the Sparkler did most of the talking. Okay, fine, she did all the talking. It kind of felt like the time I went prom dress shopping with my mom. Yeah, definitely not hot. I watched the Sparkler intently as she spoke, or communicated, rather, with the department manager. It was as if the two of them were transmitting information in some sort of weird code or a lost language. There were numbers and letters flying all over the place. Name brands and bra terminology to the left and right. Le Mystere, Waicol, Chantelle. It felt like I was infiltrating some strange and peculiar subculture, only without the snuff films.

For the fitting, I was marched into the dressing room and out came the measuring tape. Turned out that I was wearing the right size on paper, but not the right size bra-wise, if that makes any sense. The Sparkler then proceeded on her rampage and handed me at least ten bras to try on. Just taking the fucking things off the hangers was a task onto itself, then adjusting the straps, adjusting uh, um, myself inside the bra, etc... Several bras into the ordeal, we discovered that I was “gaping.” When I asked the manager what that meant, she informed me that I was sort of in-between cup sizes and that I would have to “try on a million bras until you find the right fit.” At that point, Ipex bras and angel wings were looking pretty fucking good. Hell, at that point, digging for earthworms in the middle of a New York winter was looking pretty fucking good.

As the quest continued, the Sparkler began losing patience and resorted to calling me “slow.” I began to sweat and my back became riddled with red marks like I had just been whipped. And the ridicule didn’t end there. At the check out line, the Sparkler grilled me on bra maintenance. Luckily I knew just enough to be spared her wrath. But then I lost points for not realizing I had to use a special detergent or baby soap.

When all was said and done, I ended up finding a couple bras that made my boobies proud. My new bras now afford my accessories the lovely cupping and cleavage that they deserve. As for the Sparkler, the Nordstrom manager offered her a job. The Sparkler declined. Not that I blame her; after fitting me, everyone else would just be disappointing anyway.

Clarkson!

Damn it, Kelly. I thought our brief but sordid pop-affair would end with the catchy hooks of "Since You've Been Gone."

Remember how we spooned in the afterglow of Laguna Beach and promised that we'd never, ever see each other again? Remember how I had to apologize to my iPod for a week? Well, shit. Now you've gone and done it again with "Behind These Hazel Eyes!"

Kelly, Kel, honeysugarbaby. If I may indulge: We started out friends. It was cool but it was all pretend. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, the irony.

Episode 9: The ChocolateCast

We're both somewhat wiped from last night's party, and sort of had our minds blown by Evan Rachel Wood's performance in Pretty Persuasion, but we did our best to bang out a solid podcast. See what you think.

Download Episode 9: The ChocolateCast right here.

And click that there comment link if you have anything worthwhile to say, or even if you don't, because typing is fun.

Weekend Quickie: My Top 5 Eighties Crushes

5.) Obligatory John Cusack Crush

And no, it wasn’t because of Say Anything. My John Cusack crush was strictly kindred to The Sure Thing.

This lovely Rob Reiner classic features John Cusack and Daphne Zuniga as polar opposite college co-eds who more or less can’t stand each other. So naturally, they end up on a cross country road trip to UCLA together and fall in love. Oh, the eighties were such a simple time.

In classic John Cusack style, it features his trademark kitschy little monologues, one liners and freak outs. Hot? Not exactly, but definitely cute.

4.) Jason Patric

Jason Patric in 1987's The Lost Boys with his little curly mullet totally did it for me. Jason gets bonus points for being the real life son of Jason Miller (of “The Exorcist: fame) and playing big brother to ever crushable Corey Haim.

3.) Matthew Modine

In the late eighties, I watched Gross Anatomy and fell in love with Matthew Modine. He was totally hot as Joe Slovak, the poor, yet brilliant, son of a fisherman, who goes to medical school in the hopes of becoming a doctor and making shitloads of money. Joe falls in love with Laurie (Daphne Zuniga popping up again) and learning valuable lessons about life, death and friendship...oh yeah, and human body parts.

Matthew Modine was tall, and handsome in black jeans and a brown jacket, he reeked of formaldehyde and carried a basketball under his arm. Hot.

2.) Timothy Hutton

Ever seen Ordinary People? If yes, then you’ll understand. If no, then you fucking well should.

Timothy Hutton is brilliant (and hot) as the dwindling failed suicidal son of Donald Sutherland and a most heartlessly evil Mary Tyler Moore, whose other son died in a boating accident. Hotten, I mean Hutton, won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, which back then actually had some credibility.

Timothy Hutton later went on to star in Playing God with David Duchovny and Angelina Jolie. Lucky bastard. Of course, the movie sucked and there’s still a deleted Duchovny/Jolie sex scene floating around out there which I am determined to track down someday.

But, I digress.

1.) Mark Harmon

Ahhh, Mr. Shoop. No one ever did it for me like Mr. Shoop did it for me in Summer School.

Summer School (otherwise known as one of the best movies ever made) features Mark Harmon as Freddy Shoop, the lovable gym (but not real) teacher at Venice High School who is blackmailed into cancelling his surfing trip to Hawaii to teach a remedial English summer school class. Hilarity and hotness ensue.

Besides never wearing socks, Mark Harmon helps the kids realize their full potential whilst surfing, eating junk food, taking them on awesome field trips and just being hot! Seriously, no wonder Courtney Thorne-Smith went after him. If only all teachers can someday look like Mr. Shoop, there would be a significant decline in the drop-out rate.

I love you, Mr. Shoop.

With that said, I bid a good Friday to you all. And in true Pop Whore fashion, here's some pre-weekend hype for you:

Don't forget to check back Sunday night for the latest podcast. We hope the ChocolateCast will be as orgasmic to you as the thought of Mr. Shoop sitting on the beach eating ice cream is to me.

Semi-Live Blogging II: This is what we actually talk about

Here follows a condensed transcript of everything we IMed about for an entire day. Read at your own risk.

8:17 - 8:20: Nick arrives and begins the day's discussion with the following well-planned and brilliantly executed witticism: "ok". The conversation proceeds to our respective soreness from Sunday's kickball game. Selected remark from Eti: "I'm sure everyone is looking at me walking around going, "Man, she must've gotten ass rammed."

8:21: The first MP3 of the day is exchanged as Eti sends Nick the Death Cab for Cutie song "Soul Meets Body," apparently from their upcoming album.

8:23 - 8:40: As Nick listens to the Death Cab song, Eti mentions the recent singleness of Keira Knightley, and a brief moment is spent wondering if Nick has a shot with her. Then we discuss covers we've heard lately: Don Ho singing "Shock the Monkey," some guy named Ted Leo doing "Since You've Been Gone" and "Maps," some punk/metal covers of "Milkshake," and of course Jessica Simpson's slutted-up version of "These Boots Are Made For Walking," including the nasty tidbit that the video was directed by Brett Ratner.

8:41: It's agreed that Brett Ratner is going to seriously fuck up X-Men 3. Nick points out that had Joss Whedon directed it instead, he might have gotten a part for Evan Rachel Wood (because he's that cool).

8:42: Yep, it's barely been 25 minutes and already our mutual fascination with Evan Rachel Wood (abbreviated ERW by us for convenience) has taken over the discussion.

8:43 - 9:00: We review ERW's upcoming slate of movies (after Pretty Persuasion, which opens on Friday and is destined to be genius). There is some snickering over the fact that she's starring in something called "Down in the Valley." In any case, her filmography looks very promising. First she has "Running With Scissors," which also features Olivia Wilde (aka Alex on The OC) and is directed by Ryan Murphy, creator of Nip/Tuck. Then she appears in "The Mermaids Singing" with Neve Campbell, veteran of more than a few same-sex encounters. After that she does a musical for Julie Taymor set in 60's England with a lot of Beatles music. We agree that ERW doing a British accent is destined to be hot, and hope that somehow Keira Knightley makes her way into that movie.

9:00 - 9:02: Did you know that the original script for Bend it Like Beckham had Keira Knightley's and Parminder Nagra's characters falling in love? We do, and we take this opportunity to remind ourselves how much better the movie would have been had they stuck to that story.

9:03: Nick relates another story from Rebels On The Backlot. Long story short: in Fight Club, Marla's line "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school" was originally "I want to have your abortion," but Fincher changed it at a producer's request. After he changed it, she begged him to put back the original line, but he wouldn't.

9:04: Eti goes to pee. Yes, we have bodily functions like anyone else.

9:09 - 9:15: Eti returns and Nick informs her that Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire has been rated PG-13. Eti hopes this means that Ron and Hermione will hook up. Nick hopes for an Evan Rachel Wood cameo. (Duh.)

9:30: Nick goes to Starbucks.

9:45: Nick returns from Starbucks, having remembered a food site he found earlier in the week called "Chocolate and Zucchini." This is ironically similar to the original title of Pop Whore, which was Dark Chocolate and Celery Sticks (we'll explain that later).

10:00: Free tickets to Eisley at the Troubadour on August 22! If you don't know Eisley, listen to them (try "Lost at Sea"). They're great. We love them. We're seeing them for free. We're on top of the freaking world.

10:12: Having figured out the whole ticket-printing system for the Eisley tickets, we discuss our next concert on the docket -- the Decemberists on September 13th at the Henry Fonda. We saw them there back in April and they rocked the house.

10:25: While checking the Henry Fonda Theater site, Nick notices he missed Tegan & Sara at that venue last week. FUUUUUUUUCK! Now they're touring in Australia. (The fact that T&S are lesbian twins might inspire a lesser-minded person to make a "Down Under" joke, but rest assured Nick and Eti did no such thing. Really. We swear.)

10:38 - 10:57: Eti continues on her quest, begun several months ago and continued last night at the Coffee Bean in Encino, to convince Nick to see The Exorcist. She's barking up the wrong tree. Nick relates his story of seeing The Shining, wherein he ended up looking away a lot. (Hey, he was a lot younger then. Like 13. Well, okay, 16. ALL RIGHT, HE WAS 18! Happy?!) Eti proposes that he convert to Judaism so as to keep him safe from Pazuzu, but he declines. Eti then admits that while The Exorcist is mentally scary, she is easily and totally creeped out by The Exorcist III. She hypothesizes that forcing Nick to watch The Exorcist would be the equivalent of Nick forcing her to sit outside in the dark in the middle of nowhere watching Unsolved Mysteries for 2 hours. Suffice it to say that we cordially agree to refrain from doing either and make plans to see "Pretty Persuasion" this weekend instead.

11:17: Some discussion of Elyse Sewell, third-place finisher in the first season of America's Next Top Model. Also a strong competitor for the title of Girl Who Nick Just Might Kick Sarah Vowell Out of Bed For. She's pretty, sure, but she also seems to be possibly the smartest girl in the world. And one of the best bloggers. And she wrote The Shins' bio that appears on their webpage (while she was dating keyboardist Marty Crandall). And she did most of this before turning 23. We are both a little bit scared of her, honestly. She'll probably be Supreme Ruler of the Universe by her late 20's.

12:08: Time for lunch (for Nick). If you really need to know, he ate at Scallion's in Westwood. Good Kung-Pao tofu there.

12:56: Nick returns from lunch. In a minor coincidence, Eti has ordered lunch from Kung Pao Bistro in Sherman Oaks. (This is nothing compared to the coincidence that will occur later, so stay tuned.) Eti has been reading Elyse's blog and turns up this quote, which is just one of many showcasing her brilliance: "It just doesn't take sixteen hours of my time for me to look good walking in your fashion show, dammit, not to mention that, all told, I could make more money working the same number of hours at Starbucks. Ugh, I'm getting angry just thinking about it. But this time around I resolve to be an exemplary silent and compliant clotheshanger. I shall listen to my iPod and shan't say "fuck" to anybody."

1:09: Nick and Eti both go to make copies. (Yes, we actually do some work occasionally.)

1:35: Lunch time for Eti. Time for Nick to do some more work.

2:17: Eti relates her fortune cookie fortunes. (Fun fact: the word "taste" is pronounced "wei-dao" in Chinese.)

2:32: Here's the coincidence in question. We'll leave out how we got onto this topic, because you'd think we were crazy. More than you already do. Anyway, we're talking about racing each other to hell. Nick says "I'll just start running over babies or puppies or something," and RIGHT IN THE EXACT SAME MOMENT Eti types "just run over some puppies or something." Seriously, we both thought about running over puppies at the same time. Are we twisted or what?

2:40: Things get meta as we discuss how the live-blogging transcript is coming.

2:45: Eti says she's too busy to work on the live-blogging. Boo. Nick takes the reins.

3:18: Rossanna IMs us to say she's listening to our last podcast. Yay! She says the levels sound great. Of course they do.

3:45: Nick reads over TVGasm's recap of yesterday's Laguna Beach, despite not having watched the show. It's pretty funny nonetheless. Eti hasn't seen it and reminds herself to download it.

4:00: Time to do some more work. Aren't we productive?

4:15: Eti sends over the aforementioned Don Ho cover of "Shock the Monkey." That's some bizarre shit. It's not quite in William Shatner territory, but it's about 2 exits away.

4:40: Nick gets in some more complaining about the upcoming Adam Sandler film "Click," which has taken over his parking lot at work. As with every other Sandler film, he will not be seeing it.

4:45: Discussion of the Don Ho song. Nick didn't know he was a singer, whereas Eti didn't know he was an actor. This is why, as a team, we would kick ass on Jeopardy.

4:59: We try to get a little work done in the minute we have left. Actually, Eti burns a CD. But our hearts are in the right place.

5:00: And we bid farewell until our next inevitable coincidence/jinx-ridden discussion the next morning.

Episode 8: Talkin' 'bout fall TV

On a fine summer Saturday, we sat inside for north of an hour and hashed out the whole schedule for the fall TV season, part of which starts in just about a month. We also talked about what Eti found in her closet, and plenty of other fascinating stuff.

Download Episode 8: The ScheduleCast right here.

And as always, use the comment link below to give voice to your own predictions, predilections, proclivities, and premonitions (preferably pornographic).

We hype because we love

And we love a whole hell of a lot. We know it's been a while since we've podcasted, and tomorrow we're going to make that up to all of you.

Because... remember TV? The thing we love to talk about? The thing you love us to talk about? The main reason we started this in the first place? It's back, almost. The fall schedules are out and it's time for us to plan our attack -- what to watch, when to watch it, how to make fun of it. If you're as excited as we are about allowing television to consume our lives come September, you're going to want to listen. If you're not, that's okay too, because in case you haven't noticed, we tend to get off track and talk about other stuff.

So, tune in Saturday for The ScheduleCast -- that's right, I've already given it a name. (Which I'm sure Eti reserves the right to change, so if you hear it referred to differently, don't blame me.)

The scene last night around 9:30

Nick is ironing clothes in his room. From the living room he hears Kathy Hilton's voice on the television. Confused, he walks into the living room to find Tita watching I WANT TO BE A HILTON.

Nick: Okay, please tell me you're not actually watching this.

Tita: It's either this or Big Brother 6.

Nick: I'm going back to ironing.

Nick returns to his room.

Very Bad Things

I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it would only lead to bad things. Bad, BAD things. But I did it anyway, and now I’m fucked. Truly and royally fucked. But the bottom line is that I did it and now I have no one to blame by myself.

Fine! I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to respect me in the morning.

I. Watched. Laguna. Beach.

I know, I know. I feel terrible. But now I’m kind of addicted.

It started out innocently enough. A few weeks ago, I went to my mom’s house and couched for a bit. Her lack of TiVo forced me to channel surf and I somehow ended up catching the tail end of the Laguna Beach marathon. I remember being simultaneously fascinated and repulsed. Everyone on that show looks, sounds and thinks exactly the same. That nauseating Kristin chick totally reminds me of someone from college (not surprisingly, UCSB), and it’s seriously the creepiest thing ever.

Okay kiddies, get ready because here’s the part where I buckle up in my hand basket to hell.

When I got home, I set a season pass for the new season. (Barf bags are securely located under your seats.).

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

The first episode of the new season was titled “Since You’ve Been Gone.” And guess which song they played at the end of the episode? Yeah. I’d managed to avoid this fucking song since it came out and now I catch myself singing it randomly. Talk about the ultimate instance of adding insult to injury. It’s like someone gave me a trip to the dentist and then dropped in a roofie to top it off.

I just feel so fucking dirty.

I have more important things to do; like compiling the ultimate iPod mix, determining which bathroom on Sunset Blvd. is most conducive to doing lines of coke off people’s collarbones, and figuring out how to get people to eat grapes out of my mouth.

People worry about drugs and the ozone layer, but what they should really be worrying about is crap like Laguna Beach. Please, keep your TiVos as far away from MTV as possible and for the love of everything holy, just say no!

Shut up, big Hollywood productions

Come to Los Angeles and they'll be filming stuff in your backyard! I think that used to be the pitch for moving out here, maybe back in the 40's or 50's. Now that the sheen has rubbed off, the latter-day version is more like "Come to fucking Los Angeles and they'll fucking be filming stuff in your fucking backyard." Or your fucking parking lot, in my case.

Last week it was this; today it's this. What do I want keeping me from being able to find a decent parking space when I come back from lunch: another paranoia-based "edgy" terrorism show, or another Adam Sandler movie? A few years ago I probably would have been excited to see the traditional yellow "CREW PARKING" signs taped to the lot entrance, and I would have wandered all around the area near base camp trying to find where they were actually filming. Now I don't much care. All I know is, the Adam Sandler movie has a lot more trucks and trailers and shit than the Showtime series.

And chances are good that they both suck. In the case of the Sandler movie, it's at least a little funny to consider that they're hauling out all these thousands of tons of machinery, tents, extras, security guys, and so forth every single day, to film in the vicinity of 2 pages of script. Because that's about how quickly movies like these are made, seriously.

Unpublishable

Okay, so McSweeney's didn't accept this for their "Lists" section. Luckily, that won't keep it from being published on the internet, albeit on an even more hip and indie website (i.e., this one). Without further ado:

Experiments that might be good to try for thirty days but would be unlikely to be featured on the TV series "30 Days"

• Maintaining a gluten-free diet
• Taking public transportation
• Paying more attention to your daughter
• Adopting the metric system
• Not spitting on the sidewalk
• Using a low-flow showerhead
• Staying faithful
• Tipping 20% instead of 15%
• Watching less porn
• Flossing