Snap Judgment: Special Cesar Chavez Day Edition

Yes, I'm celebrating another excellent commie farmer day, so let's get right to the dreck...

Basic Instinct 2 (thriller, rated R, directed by Michael Caton-Jones, written by Leora Barish & Henry Bean)

We've all known this was coming -- just like we know that someday, one or both of the Olsen twins will be on Inside the Actor's Studio, talking about the life lessons Eugene Levy taught them on the set of New York Minute and offering "dookie" as their favorite curse word. So, by comparison, this movie isn't all that disgusting, is it? Okay, fine, it still is. And therefore, I would like to helpfully note that if you want to see Sharon Stone embarrass the hell out of herself, you can go right here for something far more entertaining than anything you could pay $10 for.


Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (digital "hilarity", rated PG, directed by Carlos Saldanha, written by Peter Gaulke and Gerry Swallow)

Ooh! Another sequel! That I'm equally likely to be interested in! I did see the original Ice Age, but luckily for me I worked on the Fox lot at the time and didn't have to pay for it. As far as I can tell, the squirrel still just makes squawking noises in this one. Those bastard producers are hell-bent on keeping him from getting his SAG card, I guess. Meanwhile, the Pixar guys are sitting on a yacht somewhere, reading the newspapers and improvising a drinking game based on the number of times the phrases "not as good as Pixar," "sub-par version of Pixar," and "not fit to carry the urine samples of Pixar" appear in the reviews.



Slither (horror, rated R, written/directed by James Gunn)

Ah, so it's one of those deals where we're supposed to figure out the plot based on the poster. OK, I'll give it a shot. So, the hot chick in the bathtub rang up her Flesh-Eating Slug With Benefits over for a 2 AM booty call, except she TOTALLY didn't realize that she was still on the line with this OTHER flesh-eating slug that she met the other night at Skybar. And THAT flesh-eating slug got a little pissed off because he was all, "I thought you and I had a special person-to-flesh-eating-slug connection, and now you're scamming on some other dude while you're stringing me along and that shit ain't cool." So he drove around and picked up some friends, and they rolled on over to the chick's house and now some shit is about to GO DOWN. Feel me?



Brick (drama/thriller, rated R, written/directed by Rian Johnson)

Film noir junkie that I am, I have to break character and implore everyone to see this. I realize it [probably] doesn't have any digital squirrels or naked 45-year olds, and yes, it does have the dubious claim to fame of featuring two former child actors (Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lukas "Damn it, that was me in Witness, not Elijah Wood!" Haas). And it's a high school movie, but as far as I know, there isn't any paying-girls-to-date-you or betting-on-who-can-makeover-whom, nor the utilization of pies for untoward purposes. But still! Despite all that! It's going to rock. I promise.


ATL (drama, rated R, directed by Chris Robinson, written by Tina Gordon Chism and Antwone Fisher)

Gah! A coming of age story co-written by Antwone Fisher! That's right, the Antwone Fisher of Antwone Fisher! Where the hell are the flesh-eating slugs when you need them?