Snap Judgment: Slightly Less Dead Than Disco

People everywhere are trying to write off Snap Judgment as defunct, gone, a relic. I mean, the #1 nonfiction best-seller on the New York Times list is Snap Judgment: An Epitaph by Walter Isaacson. (In some places it's being sold under the strange and misleading alternate title, Einstein.)

Which is why, at every turn, I must fight to prove them wrong. And by "every turn," of course, I mean "hopefully at least once a month." So here goes.



The Invisible (thriller, rated PG-13, directed by David S. Goyer, written by Mick Davis and Christine Roum, based on the novel by Mats Wahl)

I was looking at a different version of this poster the other night, and the tagline on it said "How do you solve a murder.... when the victim is you?" I don't know about you, but I tend to think that it would be very, very easy. Seriously, if someone really thought that line made a good marketing hook (and clearly, someone did) then I really hope that they never discover the entire rest of the mystery/detective genre because they may very well spontaneously combust when they find out that there are movies about people solving murders of victims they NEVER EVEN MET. And some of them are even TRUE! STORIES! To get back to the point, though, if someone really does have trouble solving their own murder then I suppose that could make for a semi-interesting movie if the victim were, say, blind or deaf or Lindsay Lohan. Ooh, wait. Looks like I'm in luck on that last one.



Next (action, rated PG-13, directed by Lee Tamahori, written by Gary Goldman, Jonathan Hensleigh, and Paul Bernbaum, based on the short story by Philip K. Dick)

Let's do a quick recap on Lee Tamahori. He was responsible for the (thankfully short-lived) Bruckheimer-ization of the Bond series; then he cashed in those precious blow-shit-up points to direct XXX 2: Yes They Actually Made A Freaking Sequel And Oh My God Will Ice Cube Ever Appear In Another Good Movie I Guess Not But I Just Hope He Doesn't Do A Follow-Up to "Are We There Yet?" Oh Shit There's The Poster For It Excuse Me I Need Several Drinks. Then he was arrested for prostitution -- selling it, not buying it. I desperately hope he didn't snag any customers, but then again, if you pulled over and let this guy into your car dressed as a woman, you kind of had to know what you were getting. Anyway, with all that mess behind him you'd think he'd want to leap back into the cinematic world with the strongest directorial work he could muster. And, as it turns out, that work consisted of telling Nic Cage how much to furrow his brow while things behind him are exploding. But we should be supportive. Lee's been through a lot. It's like when you applaud a friend at an AA meeting when he announces that he landed the night manager gig at 7-11: sure, it doesn't sound like much, but he's trying.



Sorry, movie, you don't even get credits or IMDB links. Frankly I'm not even sure I want people to know your title, lest it gets into their heads and they accidentally blurt it out at the ticket booth when they're trying to see that Dutch Nazi movie. I only mention it in the first place to indicate just how much I want it to go away. And I better not hear ANYONE say something like "Oh, it's so bad it's good." That's like saying cyanide is so bad it's good. Maybe it is, but if it kills you before you realize its benefits then everyone loses. I will also mention that the movie stars Jamie Kennedy, only because I really want his name in the same paragraph as "Nazi" and "cyanide."