Snap Judgment: Terror in all its forms

Pretty interesting assortment this week, and by the end of this post I just might be going to hell. Tune in later to find out! For now, let's see what IMDB has to offer.


RV (comedy, rated PG, directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, written by Geoff Rodkey)

Well, shit. Now I kind of want to see this to find out how the van got up there. Does it have some kind of super 4-wheel-drive traction thingy? Was it airlifted? Did the manufacturer just choose a really inopportune location for their assembly plant? All kidding aside, I checked out the brochure for the Winnebago Sightseer and found that the rear portion of the vehicle carries about 64% of the weight. That means that the RV is about a half-second away from plunging backwards down the face of the mountain. And while the passengers might not enjoy getting banged around on the genuine Portsmouth Oak cabinetry on the way down, the explosion of the 60-gallon fuel tank should ensure a mercifully quick demise for all involved. The only downside I can see is that Robin Williams will probably use a stunt double, thus enabling him to come back for such long-awaited sequels as Even Better Will Hunting, Exhumed Poets Society and, of course, House of E.


Akeelah and the Bee (drama, rated PG, written/directed by Doug Atchison)

Wasn't it nice of Starbucks to promote the hell out of this movie with all those catchy green coasters and hanging placards and stuff? They really did a good deed, there. Helped out a charming little movie and taught people some difficult words at the same time. This is the kind of thing that really makes me believe in the human-- what??? The movie was produced by STARBUCKS ENTERTAINMENT? No, I will not stand for that. There is no such phrase as Starbucks Entertainment. Sure, there's plenty of examples of Starbucks (small e) entertainment, like trying to predict how many times a cashier girl can repeat to an old lady that her latte costs THREE DOLLARS AND FIFTEEN CENTS, MA'AM before the girl's simmering internal rage causes the entire cafe to collapse in a spectacular Carrie-esque fashion complete with shaky camera and scenery-chewing Piper Laurie. But not with a capital E. Not even if their stated goal is to take uplifting documentaries from a few years back and make them even more audience-friendly by throwing in Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett. Tangential note: check it out, Wolfgang Bodison (aka Lance Corporal Harold W. Dawson III of A Few Good Men) plays the dad.

United 93 (docudrama, rated R, written/directed by Paul Greengrass)

INT. UNIVERSAL EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY
DATE: September 12, 2001

A BIG-TIME PRODUCER enters.

PRODUCER: Is this the right room for pitching, uh, you know, movies about, uh...
EXEC: Yeah.
PRODUCER: Okay, I figured, what with the line of 20 people outside the door...
EXEC: Yeah, we're fielding a lot of ideas.
PRODUCER: I don't want to be insensitive about this. I mean, I waited a full hour after the news before calling you guys yesterday, but I think the studio was closed.
EXEC: Right, it was just security stuff.
PRODUCER: Gotcha.
EXEC: So what's your take on it?
PRODUCER: Well, it's going to be tricky. I was over at Disney earlier and they're already going with the "talking dog foils terrorists" angle, so that's out, and Paramount's working on something with Tom Cruise going up against Bin Laden.
EXEC: No kidding. Hold on a sec. [speaks into intercom] Christy, cancel all the voice-actor auditions for the talking dogs.
PRODUCER: I think the only thing left is to play it straight.
EXEC: Really.
PRODUCER: But to be on the safe side, I think I can get you the dude who shot Bourne Supremacy.
EXEC: Sold.


Stick It (gymnastic comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Jessica Bendinger)

As the poster reminds us (as if it weren't already fairly obvious), this piece of high-energy entertainment comes straight from the pen of Jessica Bendinger of Bring It On fame and/or infamy. If you're like me, maybe you saw Bring It On because you were in love with Eliza Dushku and would have seen absolutely anything she was in, right up to and including a documentary on paper clip manufacturing or even the detestable City By the Sea. But then Bring It On turned out to be actually pretty entertaining, so maybe you bought the DVD when it came out. And maybe you watched it several times. Including once with the commentary. Hey, who am I to judge you? It's your life. And if you see this one too on the off chance that it's at least 60% as enjoyable (unlike Bring It On Again, which you might once have watched about twenty minutes of before turning it off in disgust), then I won't judge you for that either. Even though that girl on the poster isn't anywhere near as hot as Eliza.