Not Without My Snaggle

Let’s get right to the good stuff.

America's Next Top Model

Joanie bid au revoir to the snaggle while Danielle rocked the gap.

Joanie saying that she considered herself lucky if she was able to see a dentist once a year for a check up made me flash to Joanie living in the Ozarks, wearing overalls and not being able to afford shoes. Yeah, you guys know what I’m talking about.

I’ve loved Danielle since she made me cry in her first interview when she talked about having to take care of her mother who suffers from really bad arthritis, but why not fix the gap?

The rest of the episode featured Furonda and Sara just laying low and doing their things. Nnenna was sociopathic as usual and wasn’t happy to see her boyfriend. Jade’s mom “fluffed” her down (insert collective “ew” here). And Tyra jabbed glycerine into the girls’ eyes to make them cry...but beautifully.

For the photoshoot, the girls had to be dolls. Joanie was a ventriloquist’s dummy, Danielle was a marionette, Sara was a teen doll, Brooke was a glam doll, Nnenna was a baby doll and Jade was a man..nequin. Trust me, this is better in pictures.

As usual, and obviously, Joanie and Danielle’s pictures were by far the best.


Ever since this episode aired, I’ve been listening to the Chicago soundtrack, particularly, “We Both Reached For the Gun” picturing Joanie as Renee Zellweger (only much more likeable), Danielle as Christine Boranski and that Alexander Rankovic (ie, the hot male model) as Richard Gere. Only then will I ever be able to justify Chicago winning any sort of best picture award.

Nnenna’s baby doll pictures were so creepy, that I totally flashed to “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.” Seriously, Nnenna needs to play up the crazy more. Less stuffed animals and more invalid sisters:


I really liked Joanie and Sara’s black and white pictures.


But in the end, Brooke was sent home over Jade. Nigel is really fucking getting on my nerves with his stupid comments and creepy leering. But at least the judges are getting tired of Jade’s shit.

It would be SO great if Joanie and Danielle made it to the final two and then both won. Here’s to hoping.

For much better ANTM recaps go to the Four-Four blog.


The Apprentice

No Apprentice this week because of Celebrity Cooking Showdown, but last week we got two.

Episode 7 was called “It’s More Than Decor” but it totally should’ve been called “The Blimp Stops Here.” There was some good stuff in there, including many great Lenny-isms, numerous attempts at the shutting up of Charmaine and of course, more jackass-ness from Tarek, who is single-handedly bringing down Mensa...to which I say, amen!

But in the end, Lenny was sent home; or as Trump would call it, “back to Syberia.” Then again, Lenny lives in Jersey, so I guess there’s no real difference.

Moreover, I deeply regret having to inform you that episode 8 was called “A Slice Of Heaven.” Okay, that’s just wrong. You see, there’s this great movie called “Mystic Pizza” and when I think “a slice of heaven,” I think of a sweet coming of age story in which Lily Taylor, Annabeth Gish and Julia Roberts wearing “A Slice of Heaven” t-shirts...not some shitty 7-11 cold cuts on pizza travesty.

Anyway, it came down to Lee and Leslie, wherein Leslie got the boot on her birthday, but not before Trump could almost make an anti-semitic quip and then a weird whooshing noise post-firing. I guess that’s his new cobra. Not quite the slice of heaven Leslie was hoping for.


The L Word

I know, I know. The show ended like three weeks ago, but I never posted about it. So, I’ll keep it brief.

(Surprisingly?!!) the show was able to reach all new levels of suck. It went a little something like this:

Alice and Lara! Fast forward, boring, fast forward, boring...“Hey, Alice and Lara! Sweet!” Fast forward, boring, boring. “What was Lara going to tell Alice?!!” Boring, snore, the end.

I don’t even care what happened. If it weren’t for Alice and Lara pooling their collective grief over Dana’s death into smoldering hotness, this show would be absolutely dead to me. I imagine next year will be watched in a similar fashion, that is, if Chaiken and Co. don’t fuck this up too.

See you next Tuesday...or in nine months.


Veronica Mars

Tres dark! Similar to last year, Rob Thomas is doing that thing where he’s making everyone a suspect. Unfortunately, I can’t get into all my theories right now because that would require both of us to sit here for hours. So let’s just quickly discuss this week’s episode.

Kendall’s been watching herself some “Body Heat.” But would Rob Thomas really hand us such an easy scenario? I’m thinking not quite. As usual, something is bound to be revealed next week. I think we need to keep an eye out on that Lucky guy. After all, he was in Iraq...and what better place to learn to make bombs?

Also, if Liam Fitzpatrick looks familiar to you, it’s because he’s played by Rodney Rowland, who you may remember from the talking tattoo episode of “The X-Files” called “Never Again,” which featured Jodie Foster as the voice of the tattoo. This too is old news, I just never got around to it.

And in even older news, after the show was filmed, Gillian Anderson and Rodney Rowland dated for about a year. Can’t say I blame her.