Snap Judgment: Memorial, but probably not memorable

In about 30 hours I'm off to New York for the weekend, so that I might have a chance to balance out the usual pop-cultural surfeits of L.A. with such high-cultural touchstones as the Met, Guggenheim, and public urination. But before all that, I must leave our devoted readership (all six of you) with some thoughtful words on this weekend's release slate.

Now, without further ado (the existing ado notwithstanding)...


X-Men 3: The Last Stand (rated PG-13, directed by Brett Ratner, written by Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn)

So, as I understand it, in this one there's some kind of a vaccine that you can take to stop being a mutant. Personally, if I were a mutant (and really, who's to say I'm not?), my decision whether or not to take "The Cure" would probably hinge upon how cool my mutant costume was. Because, you know, some of the costumes are pretty awesome, and I assume that the lease on them expires as soon as you're de-mutantized. Sure, you get your $50 refundable deposit back, but that's not going to be much comfort. (By the way, yes, the vaccine really is just called "The Cure" even though, as far as I know, it has little or nothing to do with goth-pop or Robert Smith.)

But what I'm really wondering is what the prime-time commercials for The Cure would be like. If it comes from a big pharmaceutical company, you know they'd have them.

Are you frequently tired or distracted in your job or your home life, unable to focus on the things that matter to you? Do you get angry when there's no reason to? Do you find that lately, you can't even hug or comfort a loved one without sucking their life energy? When you forget to wear sunglasses, do high-intensity laser beams shoot out of your eyes? If you said "yes" to one or more of these questions, you're not alone. Like millions of other Americans, you may be suffering from a congenital medical condition known as "mutantness." Last year, mutantness alone accounted for 61% of all steel-claw-related deaths, 45% of unwanted mind-readings, and at least a hundred instances of running through walls.

But thanks to The Cure, there is hope.

Depending on your medical history, you may be eligible to begin treatment immediately and put an end to the unnecessary sleepless nights, panic attacks, and inadvertent control of magnetic fields. Talk to your doctor about The Cure. You may begin to feel better quickly; however, in order to make sure that all mutant genes are killed, you should complete the course of medication. The Cure is not for everyone. Side effects may include drowsiness, headache, and dry mouth, and typically occur in less than 10% of patients. If you are planning to destroy the entire world's supply of vaccines in order to create a tyrannical new world order in which evil mutants are dominant, or if you are pregnant or may become pregnant, then The Cure may not be for you.


An Inconvenient Truth (documentary, rated PG, directed by Davis Guggenheim)

Okay, so Al Gore may be one of my favorite people ever (bolstered by the fact that one of my other favorite people ever, Sarah Vowell, wrote a brilliant essay about his geekiness)... but this is Snap Judgment and no one is immune. That being said, I'm very glad he invented the internet so I could talk to everyone about his movie. Which is, well, as far as I can tell, 100 or so minutes of him lecturing. That doesn't mean I'm not going to see it, but it also doesn't mean I'm going to stay awake for the whole thing without some chemical assistance courtesy of Starbucks. I mean, even Syriana put me right out, and that was all fictionalized and had explosions and Amanda Peet. I wonder what I'd do in a movie where I was lecturing for 100 minutes. Sure, I could talk about something as important and tragically overlooked as the demise of the natural world as we know it, but let's face it, I'd probably be more likely to use the time to talk about the relative merits of the first two seasons of Alias vs. the first two seasons of Buffy and how Alias was a lot more consistent on a week-to-week basis and delivered a more coherent overall plotline whereas Buffy was more imaginative and ambitious with some of its individual episodes and ultimately made you care more about its characters. Then I might segue into explaining why Gilmore Girls and 24, despite being polar opposites in every conceivable way, are absolutely equally important to me and why I could never be forced to choose one over the other. Ultimately, I'm guessing my movie would be outdone financially by even the destined-to-be-modest grosses of Al's movie. But you know? I think I'd have better slideshows.

Bizarro

Joan Collins and Adrianne Curry...


Uncanny.

Marissa Cooper Graduates, Dies

Marissa Cooper is dead! Dead!


We’ve prayed for this moment for so long, but now that it’s finally come (and thankfully, gone rather quickly), I wish I could tell you that I’m thrilled...but oddly enough, I’m a little sad.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m going to miss Mischa Barton’s spectacular displays of awkward screaming and pool-furniture throwing. But I really am.

Mischa Barton’s craptastic “acting” was the only reason to even entertain watching the show each week. Well, that and the Television Without Pity recaps; but they sort of go hand in hand.

Those of you who have followed this blog and podcast for long enough know that Nick and I turned mocking Mischa Barton / Marissa Cooper into an art-form. But this past season of The OC sucked so hard, that I was barely able to bring myself to watch more than a handful of episodes to perfect my craft. However, if you followed season two, you’d realize that the ultimate downfall and suck was inevitable.

Personally, I blame the demise of the show strictly on the fact that the producers made the fatal mistake of getting rid of Alex. (Not to mention that they totally blew the whole Marissa/Summer step-sister stuff this year.)

Alex was Marissa’s only saving grace. With the (usual) exception of (Pop Whore favorite) Evan Rachel Wood (on Once and Again), Olivia Wilde should’ve been given the Nobel Peace Prize for making Mischa Barton tolerable and dare I say, even likable. Granted, Mischa Barton was still able to reach her quota of maximum suckage through her horrible kissing and ultimate alienation of Alex, but at least it was fun while it lasted.

Watching Mischa Barton on The OC is like watching the first half season of Lost. Both suck hard and are completely laughable. Yet both are commended in article upon article and review upon review as being oh-so great. Personally, I like to refer to them as an allegory of The Emperor’s New Clothes. I’m still waiting for someone to call Lost out for what it really is...a completely asinine show with no point whatsoever. It’s the greatest scam on TV. I despise the fucking show and I feel it is my duty to scream from the rooftops, “People, don’t buy into it!!!”

Anyway, once Lost got rid of Boone and Shannon and started going in circles (and circles and circles) with no fucking point whatsoever and no end in sight, there was really no sense in wasting any more time on the worthless, putrid show.

Similarly with The OC, once they got rid of Alex and Marissa was able to reclaim her throne as the reigning Queen of Suck with no intention of being likable ever again, there was no incentive to keep watching.

Then again, at least The OC is able to be fluffy and entertaining. Believe me when I say that I’d rather watch the worst episode of The OC than the best episode of Lost any day. But whatever.

Anyway...

So long Marissa. I’ll sort of miss you. I hope the tide turns a lot in heaven.

Snap Judgment: All shall bow before the Lord! Except cartoon animals!

Ah, it's looking to be one hell of an exciting weekend at the movies, and by "at the movies," I mean "in my living room watching Coal Miner's Daughter from Netflix," because, well... let's take a look.

Oracle of the IMDb Now Playing, what sayeth you?


The Da Vinci Code (twisty Jesus thriller, rated PG-13, directed by Ron Howard, screenplay by Akiva Goldsman from the novel by Dan Brown)

Some of the super-religious folks among us don't want people to see this because it's full of lies." Or they want some kind of disclaimer before the movie starts that says "This is a work of fiction." To those people I say: there already is such a disclaimer, and it's Tom Hanks's hair. Seriously. No, no, seriously. If anybody walks out of this movie believing that Tom has a long, flowing, jet-black mane like that in real life, then I don't think there's much point in trying to convince them of anything else. But while I'm on the topic, why the hair, anyway? I read the book, and while it was way back in '03, I still don't recall the character description being that specific. Hang on, let me ask one of the PopWhore interns for a copy. Okay, here we go. Well, look at that: I was mistaken. Here it is, right on page 46:

"The mark on the painting was annoyingly familiar, yet its significance remained elusive. Langdon swept aside his thick black mop of hair, a relic of his glory days as the lead guitarist of Warrant, and began combing the archives for the clue he so desperately sought. THEN SOMEONE PULLED A KNIFE ON HIM!" (Next chapter) "He ran!" (Next chapter) "And ran!" (Next chapter) "And got in a car!" (And so on.)


Over The Hedge (more digitized hijinks, rated PG, written and directed by Roman Polanski... nah, just kidding, but I don't feel like listing out all the actual contributors)

Did you guys see the last Apprentice, where the winners of the task got flown out to DreamWorks studios and had their voices put into the movie? Man, that was awesome. You know the quality of this film has to be exceedingly high for the filmmakers to be so selective in their casting of voice actors. My only issue is that none of the rest of the cast appears to have gone through the same rigorous selection process. Did Bruce Willis have to design a kick-ass WalMart kiosk promoting the new Xbox 360 before he got called into the recording booth? I think not. And that really points to one of the reasons why Hollywood is falling apart these days. Talent is no longer rewarded! It's all about favoritism! Well, I, personally, will not stand for it. Let it be known that this the day on which I begin my vow to refuse to see any film starring so-called "actors" who never even cut their teeth on a megalomaniacal NBC reality show. Yeah, I know it's a controversial move. But deep down, you know I'm right.


See No Evil (horror, rated R, directed by Gregory Dark, written by Dan Madigan)

Some movies I need to make fun of on here because they have a lot more credibility than they deserve. This really isn't one of them. I'm kind of out of ideas, so I'm just going to list the results of the research I did on this film in the past 30 seconds:

1. The movie was shot in Queensland, Australia on a budget of $8 million dollars.
2. The script is by Dan Madigan, whose sole previous credit is a writer on WWE Smackdown.
3. The director, Gregory Dark, has a resume that includes New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, and Deep Inside Vanessa Del Rio.
   
4. He also directed a video for Britney Spears ("From the Bottom of My Broken Heart").
5. Ew.
   

Ifs And Thens

If the Cycle 4 finale of America's Next Top Model was about as heartbreaking as the cancellation of Dead Like Me...

And the finale of Cycle 5 was about as exciting as trying to decide if you prefer a lobotomy to hobbling...




Then last night's finale was like the Sophie's Choice of America's Next Top Model.

The Pipettes

You may or may not have heard about The Pipettes.

They're an adorable trio from the UK, comprised of Becki, Gwenno and Rose, with a sound heavily influenced by the girl bands of the 50's and 60s. And they're awesome.

Some of their mp3s have been floating around the internet since last summer...and they've finally picked up speed again in anticipation of their debut album scheduled for release July 17, 2006 on the Memphis Industries label.

I, for one, am extremely excited for this!

Do a little digging around the internet and I'm sure you're sure to hit paydirt. Or if you want to just listen/be their BFF forever, like us, check out their MySpace.

Their latest single, Pull Shapes, is totally neat.

My Favorite Movies For Summer

No summer in my life, and now yours, would be complete without these two movies:

North Shore

and

Summer School

Incidentally, they just both happen to be from 1987; thus one can conclude that 1987 was a truly *rad year.

*Not that Rad, because that's from 1986. Otherwise known as Year of the BMX.

NORTH SHORE


North Shore tells the story of Rick Kane (Matt Adler), a small time kid from Arizona, who wins a wave tank surf competition and heads to Hawaii's North Shore to surf the big waves, where he's surely destined for a big reality check. After several run-ins with unwelcoming locals, Rick befriends a guy named Turtle (John Philbin) and is eventually taken in by legendary has-been board shaper, Chandler (Gregory Harrison).

Rick falls in love with a local Hawaiian girl (Nia Peoples), makes an enemy in his idol, Lance Burkhart (Laird Hamilton), learns to big-wave surf and of course, enters a competition.

When I was a kid, I used to vacation in Israel every summer. This basically meant that I would spend two months each year trekking back and forth to and from the beach without a care in the world. Of course, I managed to squeeze in a viewing of this movie practically every day. I can't seem to ever get tired of this movie.

I was also in love with Turtle.

John Philbin was the love of my life back in the day, and rightly so. Maybe I'll e-mail him for an interview.

Anyway, another interesting thing about this movie (and this really pertains more to me than you guys), is there's this great Gary Wright song that plays while Rick learns to big wave surf called "Am I The One." Believe me when I say that I've been looking for this song for years and now it's finally up on iTunes! Sweet!

If you've never seen this movie, I highly recommend. If you have seen this movie, then you know what I'm talking about.


SUMMER SCHOOL


God knows Paramount has its moments.

This gem is about a very hot gym teacher, Freddy Shoop (Mark Harmon), who's blackmailed by the evil vice principal into teaching a summer school remedial English course after the regular teacher wins the lottery and bails. Freddy tackles the joys befriending a bunch of miscreants, learns to teach and falls in love with fellow teacher, Robin Bishop (Kirstie Alley).

Seriously, this movie's got classic written all over it. It has it all. 80s hair, 80s clothes, 80s music (Danny Elfman!), foreign exchange students, Texas Chainsaw Massacre themes and great lines. I can quote from this movie until the cows come home...well, actually, I can recite it to you from start to finish.

Another thing this movie does is that it begs the question: Is it really too much to ask that all teachers look like this?

Ahhh, I knew that if I couldn't have Turtle, Mr. Shoop was next on the list. Can't blame Courtney Thorne-Smith for trying.

Okay, now this is where you guys come in...

The wonderful soundtrack for this movie is not available on CD anymore and isn't on iTunes. I have it on tape, but that's not exactly iPod friendly.

So, if anyone out there has a copy, or more specifically has the song "Jackie" by Elisa Fiorillo, please, please, please e-mail me. I will love and spoon you forever.

To sum up...North Shore and Summer School. Watch them. Love them. Your summer is not complete without them.

Snap Judgment: Lindsay, your ship has come in

What not-quite-good-enough-to-be-summer-releases await us on this fair morn? I'm just as excited to find out as you are.


Poseidon (cruise ship and/or box-office disaster, rated PG-13, directed by Wolfgang Peterson, written by Mark Protosevich)

Okay, first of all, I've been forced to look upon this poster (or a similar version thereof) every single morning on my way back from Starbucks when I pass by the Metro bus stop that it adorns. And every day that I've seen it, I've had the same angry thought: MAY DAY IS MAY FIRST, YOU IDIOTS! "But Nick," you say, "they're talking about mayday the maritime distress code, not May Day the labor holiday that commemorates the 1886 Haymarket Riots in Chicago." And I must say you're surprisingly well-informed, since even I didn't know the last half of that sentence until I checked Wikipedia. But never mind. Isn't it needlessly confusing to put "MAYDAY" in big letters above a date which is not, in fact, May Day? I'm going to offer my services here and suggest some alternate copy for the poster which I feel would be much more appropriate:
_______________
MAY DAY
May 1st

OUR MOVIE
May 12th

Stay home for both.
_______________


Just My Luck (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Donald Petrie, written by like 5 people who probably acted all snarky and offended when Lindsay Lohan was cast but secretly celebrated because it meant more money for them)

INT. FOX STUDIO EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY

A beautiful young woman enters. Playful yet determined, she is the very picture of a rising movie star.

STUDIO EXEC: Wrong office. Casting is down the hall.

The young woman exits.

A haggard, strung-out, barely conscious woman with 40-year-old skin and a hacking cough enters.

STUDIO EXEC: Lindsay! Come on in.

LINDSAY: Mind if I smoke?

STUDIO EXEC: Go right ahead.

She lights up. Seconds later, the fire alarm begins blaring. The studio exec's phone rings.

STUDIO EXEC (into phone): No, no, don't evacuate. It's just Lohan. (He hangs up.)

LINDSAY: Okay, talk to me.

STUDIO EXEC: Oh, you're going to love this one. It's right up your alley and it shoots next month in MANHATTAN!

LINDSAY: For fuck's sake, would you take it down a decibel? I've got a fucking hangover that could kill a fucking walrus.

STUDIO EXEC: Sorry, sorry. We're really excited about this. You play this charming, beautiful woman who--

LINDSAY: Yeah, whatever. Talk money.

STUDIO EXEC: Seven point five million.

LINDSAY: Meal allowance?

STUDIO EXEC: Five hundred a day.

LINDSAY: Crack allowance?

STUDIO EXEC: Two thousand a day.

LINDSAY: Penalty for setting stuff on fire accidentally?

STUDIO EXEC: Absolutely none.

LINDSAY: What about on purpose?

STUDIO EXEC: Don't worry about it.

LINDSAY: All right, let's do it. Send the paperwork over when it's ready. I gotta go pretend to eat a hamburger for my Elle Girl interview.



Down In The Valley (drama, rated R, written/directed by David Jacobson)

Oh sure, it's a movie about a cowboy in the city, which brings to mind the term "urban cowboy," which brings to mind the movie Urban Cowboy, which brings to mind John Travolta trying to look cool riding a mechanical bull. But despite all that, it has something else going for it, something that can only be described with a certain three words that have become sacred to this blog: Evan. Rachel. Wood. Therefore, it's a safe bet we'll be seeing it at some point.

Okay...Wow!

Wow is me. Wow is us. Just fucking wow.

Thank you, Rob Thomas...thank you!

Is It Tuesday Yet?!

Okay kiddies, I've been slacking...but here's a UPN quickie if you're into that sort of thing.


America's Next Top Model


Shaving! Elephants! Thai Dancing! Hospitalizations! What doesn't this show cover?!!

Let's start by introducing some new vernacular for the week:

"Sara" - Noun, Adjective - Someone who tries to copy/copies someone else.

Scene: Friday night at Healthy Wok

Eti: I'll have kung pao tofu.
Nick: I'll have the same.
Eti: Why are you trying to Sara me?!

Okay, so this week the girls learned how to Thai dance, Joanie and Jade had some words over lunch, Danielle read the Bible, got sick, went to the hospital and discharged herself AMA, then joined the rest of the girl in the forest to shave (anyone else find this very odd?!!) and pose on an elephant. Joanie had some nice moments with an elephant, only to be jocked by Sara. But it was Furonda who ended up going home again and NOT Jade. WTF?!!

If you want to know how we at Pop Whore feel about Jade, watch the episode again and pay attention to the part where Joanie says that Jade just wafts bitch when she's near. But whatever. If Jade wins, she'll be the most hated winner in Top Model history, which is saying A LOT! Anyway, let's look at pictures...

Sara did have a pretty good picture, though:

But my heart belongs to Danielle and Joanie:



"Strangely" enough, they didn't use any of Joanie's really cool posed photos, but whatever. And Nick pointed out that Joanie now has a slight lisp due to her new Chiclets, hence endearing her to us more so than ever!

I also felt that it was time for Jade to get the boot, but of course she didn't. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm too excited for Veronica Mars tomorrow to even think.

Speaking of, on Thursday, we had a little chat with Furonda.


Furonda was super cool and chatty. She plugged, plugged, plugged away at her website. But props to her for being so pluggy. That and the fact that she's still doing work with KnowHiv and stuff. So we'll help her out; here it is: Furonda.com.

I asked her about her experience on the set of VM. She said that the entire cast and crew were awesome and treated her very warmly. Hence, making me really, really, really want to go down to San Diego to visit the set.

Nick asked her if she had any good tiara stories. Furonda said that one of the most memorable was the one they showed, when Jade was making fun of her. Remember the whole, 'those are not even real diamonds with your broke ass crown?" Furonda was like, "yeah, silly me thinking they were real diamonds."

The conference call ended before I got a chance to ask her about her special one-fingered Thai massage. Ok, I'm lying. I was just too embarrassed to ask.

Anyway, Top Model...Wednesday. Oh and if you guys are interested, there's also this on Thursday. God, I love UPN promos!

I also want an elephant.


Veronica Mars


Okay...HOW EXCITED IS EVERYONE?!!

At this point, who the fuck knows what's going on with the 80 mysteries to even guess at a theory...but it's the best not-knowing what's going with the 80 mysteries to even guess at a theory EVER! But we do know that Clarence Wiedman and Lianne are back! Sweetness!

Here are some cute pictures to wet your already wet appetites:




I wish my graduation pictures were that cute! Seriously, stupid me didn't realize that you were supposed to iron your gown! Thus, all my graduation pictures feature me wearing the most wrinkled blue gown in the history of wrinkled graduation gowns. Good times.

Seriously though, tomorrow night...best night of TV ever!

If you're not watching Veronica Mars by choice tomorrow night, YOU HAVE NO SOUL AND YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG! In other words, you're a fucking meter maid! Live with that!

Okkervil River: Black

Forgive me Pop Whore, for I have sinned. I didn't do the TV Roundup this weekend because I was too busy listening to this song over and over again.

But, totally worth it.

Snap Judgment: Only Xenu can save you from the ghosts and protect the owls

And yes, that will be the only Scientology joke that appears today, because honestly, that stuff is a little played.... I mean, isn't it pretty clear to everyone else by now that the entire religion was set up for the sole purpose of being made fun of? Besides, we don't want to shortchange Mormons or Kabbalists. They're wacky too.

Anyway! On with the Judgment that doth Snap. Don't forget to check out, from last night, Eti's ode to Jellyfish or our latest podcast. And now, let's see what the weekend brings us.

Hoot (comedy, I guess, rated PG, written/directed by Wil Shriner, from the novel by Carl Hiassen)

Uh... yeah. I know I'm supposed to be the pop culture guru here, but I have no better idea of what the hell this is than you do. Apparently these days you can throw a few good-looking people in front of a bulldozer, then slap an owl in front of them and you've got a movie. Oh, you can laugh, but I guarantee you there were meetings about what that owl should look like.



Mission: Impossible III (action, rated PG-13, directed by J.J. Abrams, written by J.J. Abrams, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci)

J.J. Abrams dreamed up Alias to be "Felicity in the CIA," but when the show actually happened, Jennifer Garner was the one who got to kick the ass while Keri Russell had to sit around and be lovelorn for another season, then try to parlay her critically acclaimed performance in The Curve into some sort of film career. Not exactly fair; I mean, she didn't even get to do a guest spot on Alias as, say, a fetching young counteragent who seduces Sydney for information. (Memo to JJ: WHY THE HELL NOT?) But now that the powers that be (i.e., that Cruise guy) have given JJ $150 million to play with, Keri finally has her shot at the big time. Based on the trailer, it looks like she at least gets to fire some guns and jump out of buildings, so that's a good start. Side note: Eti and I saw Keri out at breakfast one morning back in January. She wound up sitting at a table near us, and as I carried my latte back from the counter I mused that if I spilled the drink on her, I'd end up with a great "I spilled a latte on Keri Russell" story, whereas if I had spilled it on anyone else I would have pretty much zero anecdotal potential. And then I moved on to another topic, as I shall do now.



An American Haunting (horror, rated PG-13, written/directed by Courtney Solomon, from the book by Brent Monahan)

You guys, it's based on a true story! I guess that's kind of scary, but it's also good news -- because if ghosts are real, then I don't need to go to a movie from the director of Dungeons and Dragons to see them. Everybody wins! Including Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek, who I'm sure took on the lead roles out of sheer respect for the artistic integrity of the script. Seriously, though... the 2 of them on the top of the poster? Did I fall asleep and wake up in 1979?

Are we still podcasting here?

Hey, I guess we are!

Download Season 2, Episode 6 right here.

We talked mostly about TV. And a little bit about -- no, pretty much all TV. But isn't that what we do best?

I guess you'll find out soon enough.

Anyway, once you're done you can use the comments link below to tell us either how much you missed us or how much you missed not having to listen to us.

You Better Catch Me When I Fall, I'm On My Roller Skates

Back in 1993, a small San Francisco based band named "Jellyfish” followed up their debut album, “Bellybutton,” with what can quite possibly be the best CD you’ve never heard, aptly entitled “Spilt Milk.”


I actually owned “Spilt Milt” on tape before I even knew “Bellybutton” existed. The musical arrangements are brilliant, the sound is phenomenal, the lyrics are great and the entire album is comprised of one amazing song after another. In fact, I was so blown away by Spilt Milk , I never gave “Bellybutton” much of a chance. Seriously, it’s been sitting on my shelf for years, but I have no desire to listen to it.

The best physical attribute of that tape, other than the chubby tiara wearing freckled girl on the cover, was that it was pink. Yes, the actual tape was this Pepto-pink color, meaning that in the off chance it actually left my tape player, I could spot it on the bedroom floor from a mile away. Call me sentimental, but I actually still have the tape. It would’ve been sacrilegious to get rid of it just because I upgraded to CD.


Unfortunately, after touring to promote Spilt Milk, the band broke up supposedly due to artistic differences. Perhaps it is, as the saying goes, “better to burn out than fade away.”

If you’re feeling adventurous or just flat out smart, I strongly, highly, really, really, really recommend that you give Spilt Milk a shot. My favorite tracks are New Mistake, The Glutton Of Sympathy, The Ghost At Number One and Bye, Bye, Bye.