Snap Judgment: Special Friday Edition

Yes, that's meant to be sarcastic (at myself) because I know the posting of SJ has been at best sporadic lately. It's all my fault; I'm trying a sociological experiment to induce just enough fear of abandonment in my readers to keep them fiercely loyal while throwing them a bone often enough to prevent them from losing hope entirely. Is it working? Are you reading this right now? I thought so.

(By the way -- I don't normally interrupt this section for special news bulletins, but It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is airing tonight on ABC at 8 PM. I forgot to set my Tivo, but it's not too late for everyone else. Is that one of the ones where they all dance?)

(And to interrupt this section again, it appears that Blogger's image upload thingy is on the fritz. So no pretty posters today. Just boring, boring text.)


Saw III (horror sequel to a sequel, rated R, directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, written by James Wan and Leigh Whannell)

Oh, good. I was starting to worry there that an ENTIRE YEAR would go by without another one of these. You can't have too much space in between; a cinematic saga like this one is akin to a sprawling work of literature whose rich, textured story evolves before your eyes and continually draws you further and further into its gripping narrative. We've had 12 months to reflect on the relationships and feelings that evolved in the first two films; where will this latest installment find our beloved characters? Perhaps that Jigsaw fellow has decided he's had enough of staging elaborate games of death and dismemberment and is now moving on to, say, the equestrian arena. He purchases a couple of costly thoroughbreds and rents out the finest stable space available, aiming to take the world of horseracing by storm. But the horses don't perform as expected, and poor Jigsaw is a laughing stock at the country club.... that is, until he finds a fetching young heiress who's always dreamt of breaking away from her stifling family and becoming the world's foremost female jockey. Together they find love, adventure, and incredible success... but Jigsaw, unfamiliar with traditional courtship customs, thinks that his greatest gift to her will be to lock her in a padded room with a cage full of hungry rats and two combination-locked safes, one containing a key to the exit and the other containing a cyanide pill. Watch their incredible story unfold and find out if true love can overcome the misunderstandings of the heart!


Catch a Fire (historical drama, rated R, directed by Phillip Noyce, written by Shawn Slovo)

You have to love Phillip Noyce because he's always such a stickler for accuracy. When he made The Quiet American, he actually filmed in Vietnam and used many Vietnamese actors. Rabbit-Proof Fence, the actual Australian Outback and real aborigines. Now with his latest film, I see he's shot all over South Africa and for his lead villain, cast the notable South African thespian... Tim Robbins! That's right! The guy's had us hornswaggled for decades with his cleverly put-on Southern California accent and all those appearances in famous American films. Turns out he's just another lekker Surfrikan bru! (Nice South African guy, or so Wikipedia tells me.) It must have been a thrill to be back on his native soil of Johannesburg, performing the shit out of a meaty bad-guy role that probably brought to mind all the divisive political turmoil he grew up with. And while I'm sure no filmmaking experience of any kind could supersede the memory of being on the set of Nothing But Trouble when Martin Lawrence ran out onto the 405 waving a loaded gun, shooting this movie had to run a close second.

Snap Judgment: The Day Before Saturday and After The 12th

You wouldn't think anyone would actually want to release a movie on Friday the 13th unless it was, well, Friday the 13th. (And what are we up to in that series, anyway? Friday the 13th Part XIVLSCVNAIE: Jason Goes To Starbucks And Orders Six Shots In His Tall Latte But Then Claims He Wanted Decaf?) So, yeah, there are a few new ones out this week, but the studio might as well just go ahead and release them on YouTube because I'm sure there's still a sizeable chunk of the country that believes going to the theater this weekend will result in some kind of crazy Final Destination-type mayhem.


Man of the Year (comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Barry Levinson)

Well, here's a fine example of what I was just talking about, since everyone knows that when you could actually say "Robin Williams equals big box office" with a straight face, you could probably follow it up with "Check out my new pogo ball!" Meanwhile, the interceding decade and a half hasn't proven so kind to the financial prospects of his particular brand of charming annoyance, and if that feat of comedic brilliance entitled R.V. (*) didn't put him back on track, then I'm not sure this will help much either. I have to wonder, though, how Barry Levinson can be dumb enough to be behind all this. Here's my best guess:

Barry Levinson: I want to make a really smart satire about the presidency, and I only want half a million to direct it.
Studio Exec: Um... make it a dumb satire and we'll give you ten million.
Barry Levinson: Well, gosh, I really... okay, fine, deal. (Shakes hands)
Studio Exec: And it has to star Robin Williams. We owe him from the other thing.
Barry Levinson: Whoa, whoa... hold on there.
Studio Exec: Already shook hands! No take backs! (Gives self an everlasting cootie shot to be on the safe side)

(*) Yes, Snap Judgment remembers all.


The Marine (action, rated PG-13, directed by John Bonito, written by Michelle Gallagher and Alan McElroy)

Sadly, I think that those of us who scratched our heads and asked ourselves "Who the hell is that guy and what's his name doing in big yellow letters?" are simply not the target market for this movie. Do a little research and you'll find he's a way huge star in that exciting world of professional wrestling (oh, which they now call "sports entertainment," in much the same way that "herpes" is referred to as "no big deal, I swear it'll clear up.") In fact, there's like a ton of information available on him on his IMDB page alone. Did you know that one of his many finishing moves is called the You Can't See Me Stalling Suplex? I wonder if he does that in the movie! I mean, damn, a buff Marine with a kick-ass suplex would just be unstoppable. That's a real screenwriter's challenge, actually, since you generally have to give your protagonist a weakness or two to ensure that his quest isn't too easy. Maybe in the movie, he temporarily loses his ability to do the suplex and has to make do with only that gun he's holding. That would be totally dramatic.


The Grudge 2 (horror, rated R, directed by Takashi Shimizu, written by Stephen Susco)

Aha, here's our scary movie. Two scary movies in one, really -- the superficially creepy story of the murdering ghost, and the much more frightening true-life tale in which karma exacts revenge upon Sarah Michelle Gellar for repeatedly bragging about the stellar film career she was going to have once she was unshackled from "Buffy." Fight that karma, Sarah! Do some edgy independent films to showcase your true range of talent! Or... uh... hmm, guess you're not quite planning that.

Snap Judgment: So you're back, from outer space...

Sorry, folks. I know that "Snap Judgment" and "two-week hiatus" go about as well together as "Kelly Osbourne" and "talent", but circumstances are circumstances and thus did I see the column slip away from my grasp on one Friday and then another. I'll do my best to ensure that doesn't happen again, so you don't have to be sitting under your desks holding your knees to your chest and rocking yourself back and forth for 14 straight days. Anyway, without further ado...


The Departed (crime thriller, rated R, directed by Martin Scorsese, written by William Monahan, based on the film Infernal Affairs)

This is the kind of movie with a budget big enough to hire Mark Wahlberg just as a dialect coach, but no, they actually gave him a real part in it! I'm guessing Scorsese's people insisted that he include his Boston accent-advising as part of his fee, though. Wait, what am I thinking? He's got the real-life Ari for an agent! I'm sure the services were separately negotiated. And if life imitates art imitating life, perhaps he also threw a hissy fit about being commandeered to come back for The Departed 2, thus setting off a chain reaction of events ultimately leading him to fire Ari. Meanwhile, it's looking more and more like Leo has a Scorsese-signed plaque on his wall inscribed with "Don't Forget, You're Here Forever." Either that, or he managed to implant a chip in Marty's brain enabling him to feed the director his story ideas. If we start seeing billboards for What's Eating Gilbert Grape Now?: A Martin Scorsese Picture, I think that'll more or less prove it. Jack Nicholson was likely much easier to lure into the film, seeing as (a) it gave him a chance to engage in scenery-chewing of a type he normally only enjoys at the Staples Center, and (b) the press junkets provided ample time away from home to allow his Brando-home-sized garden to grow.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (horror, rated R, directed by Jonathan Liebesman, written by Sheldon Turner & David J. Schow)

Hollywood looooves their prequels (and by "Hollywood," of course, I mean "ex-industry magnate shareholders of the 2 or 3 non-entertainment companies that control 90% of what we see in the theaters"), and god forbid if this one makes money, because it'll only lead to a prequel to the prequel. By film number 10 we'll be up to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Story Of The One Dude Who Worked At The Steel Mill That Produced The Metal For The Chainsaw," probably starring, oh, I don't know, Rachel Leigh Cook's nephew's second cousin. But the kicker is that PEOPLE WILL STILL GO SEE IT! These days they don't even need nudity in these things to get the teenage boys to line up. Ugh. Aren't they supposed to be downloading them instead? So, like, the movies don't make any money?


Employee of the Month (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Greg Coolidge, written by Don Calame, Chris Conroy, and Greg Coolidge)

Didn't we already have a comedy about people working in a Target-type store? No, I know it was Career Opportunities and it was 15 years ago. (15 years ago! Way to go, Jennifer Connelly's prettiness-retention department. She seems to have things under control on her own, though, so do you think you guys could pay a visit to Lohan?) But still, there's a certain span of time during which it's not okay to have more than one comedy like this, and that span of time is generally referred to as "ever." Plus, when one person's already run into the lion's den of department store comedies and then been tossed out with his limbs barely intact -- and that person was JOHN HUGHES -- you're probably wisest to mosey on over to, say, the petting zoo of high school gross-out flicks. Not as rewarding, but much less chance of reaching in and then pulling back a bloody stump. Oh, and Dane Cook? You're funny, you're from Boston, girls seem to think you're way hot, and you've got more buzz right now than a bumblebee on meth. And THIS is the film you chose as your vehicle for bursting through into cinema? If I were Jerry Remy, I wouldn't even let you into the Red Sox broadcasting booth after this.

Top Model Makeover Episode: The Boring Continues

Okay Top Model, you’re officially starting to bore me. Isn’t it bad enough that Nick’s already jumped ship? Why do you want to validate his decision?

The make-over episode was less than spectacular. Actually, it was sort of a snore-fest. Anyway, to make things more interesting, I'm going to reference awesome movies to ease the pain of reliving it. I’ll keep it brief.

As usual, there was too much Tyra, the usual hair-cutting induced crying, a lame photo shoot and a super stupid challenge featuring Queen Latifah, which took place at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown L.A.. Not surprisingly, I had my prom there about ten years ago. Thus, one can easily conclude that really boring things tend to happen there...unless, of course, you’re John Malkovich trying to assassinate the president of the United States or Clint Eastwood trying to stop that from happening.

Boring, blah, blah...here are some make-over pictures...

The actual photo shoot/concept was boring too...

Um, yeah?

Brooke totally channeled some Drop Dead Gorgeous (one of the best movies ever)...


By her own admission, Michelle channeled Toucan Sam. That's why we love Michelle. She calls them as she sees them.


Monique was a total cunt and I really hope that someday soon Anchal hobbles the crap out of her. The crazy ho even went so far as to pull some sort of nasty ass Miggs type body fluid flinging. Sadly, there was no Hannibal Lecter to talk her into swallowing her own tongue.

Also, seriously Top Model, this is not the cycle to be shying away from lesbians or anything remotely interesting at this point. I guess that's why the twins have to win. Anyway, they never actually mentioned the Megan/Michelle lesbian thing, but they’ve been subtly hinting. The show is supposed to eventually get around to it within the next few episodes. Seriously, the whole one straight/one gay twin thing is like the coolest pscho-sociological experiment. The man who marries Amanda will be very lucky indeed.

At any rate, in the end, Megan was booted over Jaeda, thus leaving Michelle to pick up the slack of corrupting the other girls.

That Meddling Girl Is Back!

Oh, to be young and in college and solving mysteries. Those were the days, I tell you. And what better way to vicariously relive that magical time in our lives, when the day began at 11 and ended when we ran out of Mountain Dew, when we were unfettered by such piddling matters as paying bills or ironing, than by watching our very favorite detective start her university career?

Yes, at long last, tomorrow night Veronica Mars enters college on the awesome new CW, the genius merger between the WB and UPN that we were, like, totally hoping would happen because we couldn't imagine a world where 7th Heaven and Girlfriends were prevented from doing crossover episodes.

Anyway, 9 PM on the CW. Check your local listings! Which, you know, is what they used to say before you could just pick up your cute peanut-shaped TiVo remote and punch in the name and hear that pleasant little "ding."

But wait, there's more! Last week Eti and I had the honor of being invited to participate with other Pulitzer-winning bloggers on a conference call with Rob Thomas and Tina Majorino. (Rob Thomas created the freaking show and Tina Majorino plays Mac. Which is cool, because Mac is kind of awesome, but Rob Thomas!)

So here are the highlights. These aren't Rob's words verbatim but rather my attempt at summarizing what he said (thanks to Eti's extensive notes) in a reasonably snappy way.

Is Butters going to college with Veronica and co.? Nope, he's still in high school.

What about Dick? Of course he'll be back. Could we live a single day without his entitled rich kid stoner humor? I think not. Then again, he'll have to deal with, you know, that small matter of his little brother turning out to be a mass-murdering rapist and killing himself.

It's college. It's Southern California. We'll see some gay people, right? Yes, but they won't be in any after-school-special type storylines. They'll just be around.

(This was my question) A lot of high-school based shows tend to suck when they move into college. Any plans for avoiding the suck? The show's never been specifically about high school; it's been about a wise-beyond-her-years girl solving mysteries in a wacky corrupt world. She can do that just as easily in college, and the less-kiddy atmosphere will allow for some more adult, noir-ish storylines [to which I say, hell yeah].

Will we see more bands performing on the show now that we're in college? Hopefully.

More Karaoke? Probably not.

What's the story structure for this year? Another big mystery? No, it'll be 3 smaller ones. The first one involves the college rapist (which was already set up when Veronica visited the college last season). It'll go for 8-9 episodes, after which a new mystery will begin. This one will be a completely different kind than Veronica has dealt with before, and we'll also see the crime unfold gradually instead of just starting with the aftermath like we did with Lilly and the bus crash.

Keeping the same opening titles? Nope, they're totally different now.

What's ahead for Logan? He'll mature, but not too much. He's got to stay kind of messed up to be interesting, after all.

Generally speaking, are the first couple episodes going to rock, or what? The first one will be a little slower and low-key because they need to introduce the characters and format to new viewers and the new setting to the rest of us. However, the second episode is one of the best they've ever done [and it's written by Diane Ruggiero, who's responsible for some of the most awesomely fucked-up episodes in the first two seasons, like, say, A Trip to the Dentist].

* * * * *

So, that's that. I skipped over some of the more boring questions, but I think you get the idea that it's going to be a fairly interesting season. And even if it's not, then... well, we'll probably have to retreat into a dirt hole and rock ourselves back and forth until the black spots vanish from behind our eyes because this is the best freaking show on TV and anything less than another stellar year will pretty much cause us to lose all faith in humankind.

But hey, no pressure, show! Just go out there and do your best!