Snap Judgment

Well, here I am, over a day late. (A few months and a day, actually, but who's counting?)

(No, seriously, I hear someone counting back there and I want to know who the hell it is. You think time and witty ripostes grow on trees in the Nickverse?)

(Sheesh.)

Anyway! Let's see what we got.


Bangkok Dangerous (rated R, directed by Oxide Pang Chun and Danny Pang, written by Jason Richman)

This one sure looks like a slam-dunk, humorwise. Good thing; I'm kind of out of practice on the whole snap-judgmenting thing and I'm not going to turn down an easy softball pitch for my grand reopening. So would you look at those direc-- aw, CRAP, I already made a joke about Oxide Pang's hilariously chemical suffixy name. Damn you, PopWhore archive! Well, thank goodness the title is even sillier. What is that, exactly? Is that how verb-averse mothers warn their children about the perils of visiting Thailand? "Bangkok dangerous! Hotels overpriced! Hookers likely transvestite!" (I know, I know. Reeeallly didn't compare to a good Oxide joke. I'll try another.) The upside to all this is that it's now fairly clear that Nic Cage will sign on to absolutely any script that features him holding some kind of weapon, riding a motorcycle, having long hair, walking around, or breathing. I mean, does he actually have an agent anymore, or does his business contact number just ring a random line somewhere in Bangladesh where a guy named Fakhruddin Bill picks up the phone and says "How may I offer you excellent service in committing Nicolas Cage to appear in whatever crappy film you have in mind?" and maybe throws in a little "While I access this information, may I share with you some advantages of upgrading to Nicolas Cage Gold Service?"


Everybody Wants To Be Italian (rated R, written/directed by Jason Todd Ipson)

So, the movie's title and credits are supposed to be the Leaning Tower of Pisa and some of the cast are trying to hold it up. They're going with that, huh. Tell me, is this minor touch of marketing brilliance supposed to distract me from the fact that DAN CORTESE is in this movie? Because I am a man who holds pop-culture grudges, and if the bulk of Mr. Cortese's screentime isn't devoted to apologizing for those Burger King commercials and the popularization of "extreme" sports (in addition to the word "extreme" in general), then I ain't buying a ticket. Also: this guy's first movie was called The First Vampire: Don't Fall For The Devil's Illusions. Also: everyone does not want to be Italian. Some people want to be French, or Russian, or Thousand Island.