Snap Judgment

My triumphant return to the judgment-snapping fold a couple of weeks ago was not met with the dramatic uptick in movie quality I was hoping for. May this week finally change all that. Well, may it? I... er... let's see.


Surrogates (directed by Jonathan Mostow, screenplay by Michael Ferris & John D. Brancato, based on the graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele)

Ah, I'm sure this one seemed like a slam dunk. Bruce Willis scored mad bank ten years ago playing a father figure to that kid who saw deceased Philadelphians, so why not put him in another movie where he plays a surrogate dad? Except, the title is Surrogates, implying that he'll be in competition with other middle-aged dudes who are out to steal his paternal thunder. Highjinks ensue, one guy falls into a pool fully clothed, another one gets projectile-puked on by a baby, we build to a hilarious finale where they're all trying to out-do each other's 4th of July barbecues, end on a sweet little "it's all about the children" life lesson, and wait for the checks to come in! Well done, studio honchos. There'll be an extra hooker in your jacuzzi when you get home tonight.

Wait! It seems I may have been slightly mistaken. The team of well-trained border collies who handle my research have just informed me that this movie is actually about a future world of hyper-technology where people are "plugged in" to a nefarious supercomputer network that controls the whole world. Hmmm. Sound a little too much like a landmark Keanu Reeves movie from the 90s? I think so too. Get it straight, you stupid execs -- that kind of lightning only strikes once, and it was called Johnny Mnemonic. So disappointing. You're paying that hooker out-of-pocket.




I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (directed by Bob Gosse, screenplay by Tucker Max based on his book)

I'm stumped. How do you make fun of a guy whose very existence is a joke? This may be the greatest challenge I've ever faced on SJ. And I've riffed on United 93, for crying out loud. Sure, I could play the "alternate titles" game and toss out A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Douchebaggery, or Eternal Dickwad with a Worthless Mind, or maybe I Hope They Serve Beer At Your Public Castration Ceremony, And I Mean Actual Beer, Not The Mass-Produced Shitwater That You Pride Yourself For Drinking Because You Think It Makes You More "Real" Or Whatthefuckever -- you know, the usual stuff. But I'm not really in the mood for that.



Fame (directed by Kevin Tancharoen, screenplay by Allison Burnett, based on a screenplay by Christopher Gore)

This would have been a great opportunity to put a bunch of those High School Musical kids together with some American Idol favorites from past years and have them all sing and dance together and stuff. Sadly, given the ironclad nature of these performers' existing contracts, they'd be lucky to get away with singing in the shower, let alone appearing in a competing production. The makers of Fame have attempted to overcome this unfortunate hurdle by casting such up-to-the-minute teen icons as Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Megan Mullally, and Charles S. Dutton -- an incredibly shrewd move given the vast numbers of middle-schoolers that stay up all night bit-torrenting old episodes of Cheers and Roc. (Remember when Roc started airing all its shows live? Those were some heady days. You kids think you have it pretty good with The Office and 30 Rock, but Roc Live! was a zenith of television comedy that may never again be reached. Imagine your favorite episode of Arrested Development, and then imagine how much funnier it would be if Jason Bateman had to break character occasionally to remember his lines, and you'll have some idea.)

Now where were we?



Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (directed by John Krasinski, screenplay by John Krasinski, based on the book by David Foster Wallace)

Oh, this would have been a much better alternate title for that Tucker Max thing.