I'm bored and this week's releases look reasonably rip-able. Let's get it on!
Mesrine: Killer Instinct (directed by Jean-Francois Richet, written by Jean-Francois Richet and Abdel Raouf Dafri, based on the book by Jacques Mesrine)
Ah, that poster gives me fond memories of asking for directions in Paris -- especially if you throw in a little smoke-blown-in-face. Now, I don't know Vincent Cassel from all those fancy artistic French rape movies he's starred in (okay, fine, just the one), because frankly I've done enough permanent damage to my psyche for one lifetime, thank you very much. (You think I'm kidding? I once ordered an old-fashioned without remembering to specify the bourbon. My soul is fractured beyond repair.) I do know Vincent Cassel from Ocean's 12, which is just like those in-jokey YouTube videos college kids make with their friends that they know no one else will understand, except that "OMG Stevie Cheats At Lawn Dice EPIC FAIL" probably didn't cost $110 million to make.
Fun coincidence: "Killer instinct" is actually one of the known side effects of Mesrine, the newly FDA-approved migraine reliever. Is Mesrine right for you? Talk to your local Landmark theater. (And while you're at it, ask them why there's no "T" in "Yogurberry.")
Takers (directed by John Luessenhop, written by Peter Allen & Gabriel Casseus and John Luessenhop & Avery Duff)
Wow, that's an impressive roster there -- Idris Elba, Matt Dillon, Gaius Charles (the guy who played Smash Williams on Friday Night Lights), Chris Brown (the guy who played an obnoxious abuser in a little-boy sweater on Larry King Live), and... Hayden Christensen? Really? Front and center on the poster, there? I only have one guess as to how this happened. The producers said, "Hey, we've got some really talented African American actors in this movie; can we round it out with James Earl Jones?" Then the casting guys turned to their assistants and said, "Get me the guy who played Darth Vader!" and everything went downhill from there and nobody noticed until the movie was in the can. How tragic.
Centurion (written and directed by Neil Marshall)
Apparently this is what the industry papers call a "sword and sandal epic." As in:
HUSBAND: Okay, honey, I'm off to fight some guy to the death.
WIFE: How come?
HUSBAND: Can't remember. Think he stole my goat or something.
WIFE: Well, pick up some milk on the way back. The stuff I bought yesterday already went sour.
HUSBAND: Someone really needs to invent refrigeration.
WIFE: I feel like that's a long way off. (pauses, looks down) You're wearing THOSE?!
HUSBAND: My sandals? Yeah.
WIFE: I thought we talked about those being strictly at-home footwear.
HUSBAND: I only have one pair of clean socks left, and this battle will probably only take like twenty minutes but I'll still get them all sweaty and not want to wear them again and I don't know when we're doing laundry next.
WIFE: Be that as it may. The world at large does not need to see your toenails.
HUSBAND: (sighs) I guess I don't really need to kill this guy.
WIFE: I didn't want to contradict you, but I'm pretty sure we've never owned a goat.
HUSBAND (roots through cabinets) Do we have beer in this century?
WIFE: Yeah, but it's really grainy.
The Last Exorcism (directed by Daniel Stamm, written by Huck Botko & Andrew Gurland)
Your guess is as good as mine. Seems to be some kind of movie about yoga.