Snap Judgment: Jesus Died For Your Sin[fully bad movie]s

Nick is on a plane to Boston for the Good Friday weekend. I’m stuck here eating matzah and wondering: Will the movies opening today be able to hold my attention longer than a shiny object? Let’s consult the IMDB and find out...

Scary Movie 4 (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by David Zucker, written by Craig Mazinand Jim Abrahams)

Another 45 million dollars well spent on 83 minutes of scrotum jokes, people walking into inanimate objects and d-listed cameos. Now, I’m no math wiz, but I’d really love it if someone paid me $542,168.67 for every gross minute of my clumsy existence. You know, kind of like the cast of Friends.

I predict this movie will be brilliant in the same way a high school play is brilliant; terribly laughable, albeit amusing for the hour and twenty minutes that you’re forced to sit through. The 16 year olds in the audience will say stupid things and make noises that can only be construed as bodily functions stemming from somewhere below the waist. You’ll get mad and want to tell them to shut up because you didn’t shell out ten bucks for that, but you hold back because you don’t want to be the one rigid asshole without a sense of humor. Be a little meta for Christ’s sake, you tell yourself. But then the nanosecond after you walk out – ooooh, shiny object.

The Notorious Bettie Page (dramatic biopic, rated R, directed by Mary Harron, written by Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner)

Think wholesome, sweet and smart Christian girl from middle America taking a debaucherously kinky turn in front of the camera and becoming a phantasmically successful pin up queen / cult icon, only to then disappear off the face of the earth into a life of strict anonymity.

Basically, it’s like the extended movie version of last season’s Ford pin-up episode of America’s Next Top Model if Sarah came back from Booneville and Kim donned a leopard bathing suit and tied her up.

Two tickets for “The Notorious Bettie Page,” please...

The Wild (animation, rated G, directed by Steve 'Spaz' Williams, written by Ed Decter, Mark Gibson, Philip Halprin and John J. Strauss)

Okay, IMDB has the plot described as:

“A adolescent lion is accidentally shipped from the New York Zoo to Africa. Now running free, his zoo pals must put aside their differences to help bring him back.”

Two problems already.

One: "A adolescent" is grammatically incorrect.

Two: Didn't this movie come out last year? And wasn't it called "Madagascar?"

Remember in 1998, “Armageddon” and “Deep Impact” came out at the same time and everyone was at home scratching their heads because they didn’t know which shitty meteor-causes-the-end-of-the-world movie to go see?

Well, this is sort of like that, only instead of sending a message about living life to the fullest and the pre-orgasmic notion of Morgan Freeman as the president of the United States, this movie sends a heartwarming and profound message about a lion, a giraffe, a koala, a snake – ooooh shiny object.

Hard Candy (drama, rated R, directed by David Slade, written by Brian Nelson)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the internet dating waters, comes this “provocative drama about a 32-year-old man who takes home a 14-year-old girl he meets on the Internet--with surprising consequences.”

If ever there was a more appropriate “The More You Know” PSA, this would be it: Pedophilia is provocative and has surprising consequences. SO true! IMDB tells you no lies, my friends.

Everything about this movie just oozes creepy. The title, the poster, the trailer, the actors. And speaking of, here’s other stuff IMDB told me in exchange for a Snickers bar and a game I like to call Mr. Bubbles:

Jeff Kohlver has the following movies to his credit: Little Children, Running with Scissors, American Gothic and My Sister's Wedding.

Hayley Stark has: Mouth to Mouth, Love That Boy, Touch & Go and The Wet Season.

This one just sort of writes itself.