Very Bad Things

I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it would only lead to bad things. Bad, BAD things. But I did it anyway, and now I’m fucked. Truly and royally fucked. But the bottom line is that I did it and now I have no one to blame by myself.

Fine! I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to respect me in the morning.

I. Watched. Laguna. Beach.

I know, I know. I feel terrible. But now I’m kind of addicted.

It started out innocently enough. A few weeks ago, I went to my mom’s house and couched for a bit. Her lack of TiVo forced me to channel surf and I somehow ended up catching the tail end of the Laguna Beach marathon. I remember being simultaneously fascinated and repulsed. Everyone on that show looks, sounds and thinks exactly the same. That nauseating Kristin chick totally reminds me of someone from college (not surprisingly, UCSB), and it’s seriously the creepiest thing ever.

Okay kiddies, get ready because here’s the part where I buckle up in my hand basket to hell.

When I got home, I set a season pass for the new season. (Barf bags are securely located under your seats.).

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

The first episode of the new season was titled “Since You’ve Been Gone.” And guess which song they played at the end of the episode? Yeah. I’d managed to avoid this fucking song since it came out and now I catch myself singing it randomly. Talk about the ultimate instance of adding insult to injury. It’s like someone gave me a trip to the dentist and then dropped in a roofie to top it off.

I just feel so fucking dirty.

I have more important things to do; like compiling the ultimate iPod mix, determining which bathroom on Sunset Blvd. is most conducive to doing lines of coke off people’s collarbones, and figuring out how to get people to eat grapes out of my mouth.

People worry about drugs and the ozone layer, but what they should really be worrying about is crap like Laguna Beach. Please, keep your TiVos as far away from MTV as possible and for the love of everything holy, just say no!