Snap Judgment: Who will save the world from fashion and fuel efficiency?

On the eve of 4th of July weekend, which of these fine films will you choose to spend your hard-earned entertainment dollar on? None of them? You'd rather sit five feet away from your brother-in-law's grill breathing charcoal fumes and spraying your other family members with that decade-old Super Soaker that probably has eight generations of spider eggs in the tank? Well, vaya con Dios, then! Otherwise, here's the selection.



The Devil Wears Prada (comedy with trendy shoes, rated PG-13, directed by David Frankel, written by Aline Brosh McKenna from the novel by Lauren Weisberger)

I'm glad that Meryl Streep still gets her name above Anne Hathaway's. Because sometimes these days, you find people on the same line who really don't belong on the same line. But I'm getting sidetracked. (And I'm not trying to diss Ms. Hathaway here; I even saw Ella Enchanted... I mean, I knew someone who saw it and said it was pretty good.) This movie also features Emily Blunt as the British chick. Eti and I know her from the disappointing girl-crush movie My Summer of Love, in which she also played the British chick, although referring to her that way in a British movie could get confusing. I guess that's why when British actresses achieve any measure of success in British films, they must immediately move to L.A. so they can coast on the "British chick" thing for as long as possible before someone else moves in. (Right, Keira?)



Superman Returns (rated PG-13, directed by Bryan Singer, written by Michael Dougherty & Dan Harris)

Did you ever used to get "Superman" by Five for Fighting confused with "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down? I sure did. Both of the bands even have numbers in their name, for god's sake! Why did they do that to us? Anyway, this film and Devil Wears Prada are really the only two movies competing for box office money this weekend (yeah, there's the electric car one, but, like, only smart people will see that, so it doesn't really count), and that's referred to as "counterprogramming," wherein you have two movies coming out at the same time that are completely different and appeal to totally separate audiences. Except, that's not really the case. I'd say they're more or less the same movie. Indulge me, if you will?

SETTING

Superman: Metropolis (essentially, New York City)
Devil Wears Prada: New York City

MAIN CHARACTER

Superman: "Chosen one" who attempts to fight evil and also pursue journalism
DWP: Jewish girl (which, Eti will be happy to tell you, means one of the Chosen People) who attempts to fight an evil editor and also pursue journalism

VILLAIN

Superman: Crazy megalomaniac with a crystal fetish
DWP: Crazy megalomaniac with a shoe fetish

VILLAIN'S MAIN FLUNKY PLAYED BY...

Superman: Indie-queen Parker Posey
DWP: Indie-king Stanley Tucci

FEMALE EYE CANDY PROVIDED BY...

Superman: Blandly good-looking James Marsden
DWP: Blandly good-looking Adrian Grenier

SUSPICIOUSLY VAGUE CONNECTION WHICH PROVES I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS AND SHOULD END THIS LIST NOW:

Superman: Brandon Routh appeared on MTV's "Undressed"
DWP: Anne Hathaway appeared in Havoc, in which she "got undressed"



Who Killed The Electric Car? (documentary, rated PG, written/directed by Chris Paine)

Ah, another one of these classic "whodunit" films! I was just going to say that it's been far too long since we've had a good one. Of course, in constructing a movie like this, a filmmaker walks a very fine line because in hundreds of years of mysteries we've seen pretty much every imaginable plot twist and surprise ending. Then again, that can also work to your advantage: an audience today might assume you'd never make the butler be the killer, so they'll still be surprised when you reveal that he is. Still, just to make sure the audience isn't a step ahead, you want to put some kind of twist on the twist -- you know, like they did in Clue. (Best singing telegram scene ever, by the way.)

Oh, wait a minute. This is a documentary? That means the guy didn't even know in advance who was going to kill the car! Wow, that's gutsy. Because if it turned out to be the most obvious suspect, that really would have sucked cinematically. Or if the car had an identical twin, and it was really the twin who was murdered, and then the car shows up like 10 minutes before the end? Yeah, we've seen that one way too many times. Well, I guess I'll be cautiously optimistic about this one. All I'm saying is, it better not be another Blair Witch Project.

Snap Judgment: "...but that won't change your situation"

Yeah, sort of a light weekend, seeing as we're only five days away from Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot Superman remake... er, I mean, Bryan Singer's brand new creative vision of Superman. (We'll get to that one next week.)

Anyway.


Click (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Frank Coraci, written by Steve Koren & Adam O'Keefe)

All kidding aside, you know what keeps me from ever being willing to see any Adam Sandler movie ever? No, not the fact that they were filming this in Westwood last summer and using up about 1/2 the UCLA lot I park in and making it a bitch for normal employees to find a space. That's just the reality of living in L.A., because if the movie gods want to claim eminent domain on your life they can pretty much do so at any time. (True story: a couple years ago I had to lend Jerry Bruckheimer my liver for a particularly gruesome action scene in Bad Boys 2. It was cut from the movie, and my liver never even got its SAG card.) No, the reason I will never venture into the Cinema de Sandler is because the trailers are constantly telling me that his movies have a heart. Sandler sings wacky 80s songs in crazy outfits, but he JUST WANTS LOVE! Sandler adopts a moppet and teaches him to spit, but he really JUST WANTS THE KID TO LOVE HIM! And now, Sandler fast forwards his life but MISSES HIS KID'S CHILDHOOD AND FEELS WIWWY WIWWY BAAAD ABOUT IT! And frankly, all that repulses me a lot more than whatever poop/fart/snot jokes the guy can come up with. Because I really don't think the emotional crap is just a concession to the studio to make more money. No, it's an extension of Adam's ego: we can't just laugh at him; we also have to loooove him. I plan to do neither. Yes, my heart is one of coal. Deal with it.


Wassup Rockers (indie comedy/drama, rated R, written by Larry Clark and Matthew Frost)

Let me ask you, Larry Clark, is it really the best idea to be saying "It's been 10 years since Kids" right smack dab on the middle of your poster? Because frankly, you might as well be saying "It's been 10 years since Kids and I still find myself waking up in cold sweats during the night, unable to suppress my obsession with filming pubescent boys and girls engaged in risque behaviors." And what's the deal with throwing Janice Dickinson in there as 'Beverly Hills Actress'? Was there a shortage of heroin and tantrums on set?


Waist Deep (crime drama, rated R, directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall, written by Vondie Curtis-Hall, Darin Scott, Michael Mahern)

Once upon a time, Vondie Curtis-Hall had a pretty cool role in Die Hard 2, even though I can't remember exactly which role it was since it's been over a year since I popped in that particular DVD. Oh, and he was the voice print analyst in Clear and Present Danger, a movie I prefer to think of as the last one of Harrison Ford's career before he took the high road and retired on an up note. A bit part, sure, but I remember that scene like the back of my hand (possibly because I've seen C&PD about 15 times) and let me tell you, Vondie played the hell out of it. But it troubles me to think that while he was telling Harrison that the Columbian drug lord played by Joaquim de Almeida had to have been educated in the eastern United States, in the back of his mind Vondie was already planning out a future directing career that included both Gridlock'd and... yes... Glitter. And maybe he also had the idea that he'd rebound from those masterpieces to put Tyrese and The Game in a pretty average-looking crime thriller type thing (even though, in 1994, the only game The Game was playing was, like, freeze tag)... but nonetheless, I wish someone could have read his mind at the time and staged some sort of intervention. Okay, yeah, I've heard that Glitter is legitimately one of those "so horrendous it's entertaining" kind of exercises, though I haven't tested that theory yet. Anyway, Vondie, why don't you quit the behind-the-camera stuff and go talk to Harrison Ford. Tell him if he ever wants to get back into the good movie business, you'll be right there waiting to analyze a voice print. It just might get both your lives back on track.

Snap Judgment: Gah! Too many movies!

No time for the usual opening sarcastic bit! Do you KNOW how many movies need to be summarily dismissed this morning? I don't think you do!



Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (comedy, rated PG, directed by Tim Hill, written by Joel Cohen & Alec Sokolow, based on the almost-funny comic strip by Jim Davis)

This is usually the kind of sequel that goes direct to video and/or has a different lead actor than the original. But that's not the case in this case; it's theatrical and with the same cast. So there goes my brilliantly crafted joke about how "even Breckin Meyer was too busy to do this one." Seriously, would that not have been comedy gold? Now I'm stuck trying to get a laugh out of whoever else is in the cast, like -- dear god, is that Sharon Osbourne voice-acting in this movie? All right, I give up already.


The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (car thingy, rated PG-13, directed by Justin Lin, written by Chris Morgan, Alfredo Botello, Kario Salem)

Speed needs no translation. Amen to that. I really like how pitches from junior studio execs can now be turned into advertising lingo with zero filtering in between. Why did they stop there? They should have just had the poster say, This film will play very well in the increasingly competitive foreign markets because it has very little intelligible dialogue but lots of fast cars, some of which will probably blow up. However, we haven't spent all that much money on either the movie or the marketing, because we're aware that it's geared toward the part of the world where film piracy is by far the most rampant. Seriously, I think you can already get the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie on DVD over there for like two dollars. Michelle, remind me to pick that up on my next trip to Tokyo. And make sure I don't forget my fucking Blackberry this time, unless you want me calling you collect at 3 in the morning from the payphone outside the Most Excellent Happiness massage parlor to find out if the Dreamworks deal went through.

But I guess if they actually wrote all that, they wouldn't have room for that swell future-property-of-Frankie-Muniz car.


Nacho Libre (comedy, rated PG, directed by Jared Hess, written by Jared Hess, Jerusha Hess, and Mike White)

I didn't see Napoleon Dynamite. Thought about seeing it. Had people tell me I absolutely had to see it. Then had other people tell me I wasn't missing anything. Sided with the latter. New movie comes out from Napoleon Dynamite dude, this time with Jack Black. I like Jack Black. Sometimes (i.e., School of Rock). I like Mike White sometimes too, especially since he used to write for Freaks & Geeks, which really is pretty much the best show ever. And the movie was shot entirely in Mexico, the country which famously provides 1/4 of my heritage. But still... that fear of commitment vibe creeps in every time the words "studio" and "comedy" are in a sentence together. Sure, they want you to think it's not like that, that it's just fucking dripping with indie credibility and subtle humor. But is it really? It's clearly got a huge marketing budget, judging by the number of buses I've seen it on, so I guess Paramount expects it to do big money. And comedies that do big money usually have "Meet The _____" in the title. So, should I give this a chance? Might it be good in spite of the fact that Paramount wants us to think it's good? I don't know; these philosophical questions are too heavy for me to ponder when I still have other films to trash.

The Lake House (romance/fantasy, rated R, directed by Alejandro Agresti, written by David Auburn, based on a screenplay by Eun-Jeong Kim and Ji-na Yeo)

"Uh... Sandra?" "Yeah?" "Dude... why am I in, like, black and white?" "It's supposed to represent the theme of the movie." "Oh. [pause] What's the theme?" "We're joined at the heart but separated by time." "Oh. Hey, that's wild. So we're like, uh, Simonese twins?" "No, I mean like spiritually." "Oh. Oh. Yeah, I dig that." "You don't know what I mean, do you?" "Sure I do. You're talking about Jesus. I dig that. I used to be into that but I'm, like, Buddhist now. I think. I have to check with my manager." "So, Keanu?" "Yeah, dude?" "You can let go of me now. The photo shoot ended about twenty minutes ago."

Snap Judgment: Cars talk, Lohan acts

Hey, it's almost my birthday! What spectacular films shall the studios reward me with in return for smearing everything they've put out in the last six months?


A Prairie Home Companion (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Robert Altman, written by Garrison Keillor)

I had the good fortune to grow up in a household where Garrison Keillor's brilliantly subtly humorous radio show was being played pretty much on a weekly basis. (Sometimes it was also played in the car.) I say "good fortune" not because I ever once laughed at or otherwise enjoyed it, but rather because it provided my parents with a reliable distraction and enabled me to spend time on my plot for world domination via Starbucks market saturation. Then again, someone kind of beat me to that plan, so I guess I wasn't all that fortunate after all. The other thing that comes to mind when I think of Garrison Keillor is, of course, the Simpsons episode where [DISCLAIMER: I am aware that quoting Simpsons does not qualify as actual humor, but tough shit, I'm going to do it anyway] Homer is watching Prairie Home Companion and everyone in the studio audience is laughing their asses off, and Homer frowns and walks up to the TV and bangs on it and says "Come on, TV! Be more funny!" Which was always exactly how I felt about it.

But that's all kind of beside the point, because I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. So first off, there's Lindsay Lohan, who wasn't even a twinkle in her jailbird father's eye when the radio show began. Lindsay Lohan! In a Robert Altman film! No, that's really not that big of a deal, actually, when you consider he already used Ryan Phillippe in Gosford Park, Tara Reid in Dr. T and the Women, and Pearl Coffey Chason in Brewster McCloud. That's right! Pearl Coffey Chason! No, I don't know who the hell she is either. Anyway, that's the extent to which I'm going to list off the cast, because everyone knows Altman = approximately 287 starring roles and 5,279 cameos, and if you thought this column was mediocre so far, imagine how desperate I'd sound when I got to number 5,119. ("Wow, watching [actor 5,119] in this movie is destined to be about as exciting as watching Ashlee Simpson analyze the religious subtext of Teen Wolf Too.") So that's why I'm going to stop here and move on.

Cars (obligatory Pixar blockbuster, rated G, directed by John Lasseter)

After The Omen took advantage of the sorta-ominous date on Tuesday, I had to wonder if Pixar didn't miss their chance to do the same thing.... like, a whole "TAKE A RIDE ON ROUTE 666!" campaign with smiling devil cars and exhaust pipes spraying demon blood on a landscape of painstakingly CG-animated carnage. Alas, that appears not to be the case, and I guess the fact that they picked Randy Newman to do the score instead of Rob Zombie is a pretty clear indication that they're serious about staying on the family-friendly tip. That's a real shame, because seriously, imagine what Pixar could do if they really set out to brutally scar the childhood of every kid who watched their films. I mean, you just know there's a guy in every one of their pitch meetings who says, "Hey, this time what if we have Buzz Lightyear go all Chucky and massacre the whole neighborhood?" And sure, he gets shot down, but I bet you all the rest of them are thinking "You know, that would be pretty awesome."


Chup Chup Ke (your guess is as good as mine, unrated, directed by Priyadarshan, written by Priyadarshan and Neeraj Vora)

Obligatory foreign film time! I can't quite read whatever that tagline is on top of the poster, so let's come up with some better alternatives based on (a) the title and (b) the fact that they're all giving the international "Shhhh" symbol.

What's the secret? FIND OUT on June 9th. (Okay, the secret is that THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO BLOW UP!)

Because just ONE Chup wasn't wacky enough!

Chup Chup Ke... the DEADLIEST game of "duck, duck goose" you've ever played!

Singing! Dancing! Fancy outfits! (*)

(*) Also a suitable tagline for every other Bollywood film ever made

Snap Judgment Special Edition: June 6, 2006 -- I mean, 6-6-06!

The Omen (bloody apocalypse thingy, rated R, directed by John Moore, written by David Seltzer)

Nice try, 20th Century Fox... thought you could evade a Snap Judgment by sneaking your movie in on a Tuesday? Try again. I do have to admire the boldness of your marketing campaign, though. I can only imagine how that came about.

INT. FOX BOARDROOM - DAY

A couple of FOX EXECUTIVES sip their soy chai lattes and furtively eye the boxes of Krispy Kremes scattered throughout the table.

SENIOR EXEC: So what's the script again?

JUNIOR EXEC: It's called The Omen, it's a remake of the classic 1976 apocalyptic thriller that starred--

SENIOR EXEC [to assistant]: Netflix that for me. [to Junior Exec] So who can we get? Tom? Brad? [silence] Lohan?

JUNIOR EXEC: They're not available.

[Awkward silence. One of the Senior Execs cracks open a Krispy Kreme box.]

JUNIOR EXEC: We've tracked down a couple of possibilities, though.

SENIOR EXEC [with mouth full of Original Glazed]: I've got lunch at Geisha House in twenty-two seconds. Let's hear it.

JUNIOR EXEC: Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles.

SENIOR EXEC: Oy. How the fuck do we sell them?

JUNIOR EXEC: Well, I think the strength of the material really supersedes any fancy marketing gimmicks. The director has some exciting ideas for how to incorporate recent world events into the fabric of the narrative, and furthermore--

SENIOR EXEC: Six Six Zero Six.

JUNIOR EXEC: I'm sorry?

SENIOR EXEC: That's the plan. June 6, 2006. Scary. We'll blanket the town in billboards. Everyone'll think they're gonna die. Don't mention the cast.

JUNIOR EXEC [checks watch]: That's twelve weeks away. We were planning this for first quarter 2007.

SENIOR EXEC [slowly]: Six. Six. Zero Six.

JUNIOR EXEC: Also, that's a Tuesday.

SENIOR EXEC [grabbing another donut and leaving]: Get some custard-filled ones next time.

Snap Judgment: If I Count To Ten Will You Disappear?

Always the zen master of good timing, Nick just so happened to pick this particular craptastical new release Friday to blow town and entrust me with Snap Judgment. What you may not know is that I self diagnosed myself with ADD last week. But I digr-- hey, shiny obj-- that's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane, IMDB is not afraid.

The Break Up (rated PG-13, directed by Peyton Reed, written by Jeremy Garelick & Jay Lavender)

English Translation: Diet War of the Roses / War of the Roses Lite

So there’s this couple who break up and fight over a condo. Mind you, the trailer (which starts off with a pianoesque “Heart and Soul” then switches over to Social D’s “Ball and Chain?!”) is utterly condo-reference free and I’m pretty sure Vince and Jennifer don’t fall to their deaths at the end. So, like, whatever.

I bet there’s not even any good angry ass-kicking punch-out sex like in War of the Roses. I’m sure Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had better kung fu sex in Mr. and Mrs.-- oooh, did I just go there?!


Banlieue 13 (rated R, directed by Pierre Morel, written by Luc Besson and Bibi Naceri. Limited release - as if you care.)

English Translation: District B13

Plot summary: “Set in the ghettos of Paris in 2010, an undercover cop and ex-thug try to infiltrate a gang in order to defuse a neutron bomb.”

Oy.

So here’s the plan. I’m just going to put all the parts of the movie that I don’t want to see in bold type.

“Set in the ghettos of Paris in 2010, an undercover cop and ex-thug try to infiltrate a gang in order to defuse a neutron bomb.”

Voila, pure genius! “Set in the of in an and try to infiltrate a in order to a” is going to seriously rock! If that plot summary doesn't just scream "SEE THIS MOVIE," then I don't know what does!

Wait! I changed my mind. I want the plot summary of this movie to be “Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!”


Taepung (rated R, directed by Kyung-Taek Kwak, written by Kyung-Taek Kwak. Limited release - as if you care.)

English Translation: Typhoon

“A modern-day pirate plans a massive attack on North and South Korea.”

Remember how a few months ago Nick forced me to watch “The Rock” where fricking Ed Harris thinks he’s a non-balding bad-ass, so he holds San Francisco hostage with nukes or something and then Sean Connery talks about winners fucking the prom queen? And remember how I wanted to jab ice picks into my nipples just to make the pain go away?

Call me crazy, but I have an inkling that this movie will be way more torturous.

I mean, "modern-day pirate" is the sickest, most twisted oxymoron that I've heard of in a while. And where does the typhoon come in? I think they just called it Taepung because the working title was Taepungie Tang.

I think this film would be much more interesting if it were about “North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.”


Peaceful Warrior (rated PG-13, directed by Victor Salva, written by Kevin Bernhardt and adapted from Dan Millman's novel. Limited release - as if you care.)

Translation: The director is an admitted and convicted child molester.

You’re probably thinking “Why does Nick always give Eti these weird-ass sexually questionable topics to deal with? Is it because she’s just totally kinky like that?” Hmmm, good question!

In spite of my masochistic tendencies, just the fact that this guy directed Mary Steenburgen in a movie is enough to put me off him for life. Shit, even I don't like pain that much.