Snap Judgment: Cars talk, Lohan acts

Hey, it's almost my birthday! What spectacular films shall the studios reward me with in return for smearing everything they've put out in the last six months?


A Prairie Home Companion (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Robert Altman, written by Garrison Keillor)

I had the good fortune to grow up in a household where Garrison Keillor's brilliantly subtly humorous radio show was being played pretty much on a weekly basis. (Sometimes it was also played in the car.) I say "good fortune" not because I ever once laughed at or otherwise enjoyed it, but rather because it provided my parents with a reliable distraction and enabled me to spend time on my plot for world domination via Starbucks market saturation. Then again, someone kind of beat me to that plan, so I guess I wasn't all that fortunate after all. The other thing that comes to mind when I think of Garrison Keillor is, of course, the Simpsons episode where [DISCLAIMER: I am aware that quoting Simpsons does not qualify as actual humor, but tough shit, I'm going to do it anyway] Homer is watching Prairie Home Companion and everyone in the studio audience is laughing their asses off, and Homer frowns and walks up to the TV and bangs on it and says "Come on, TV! Be more funny!" Which was always exactly how I felt about it.

But that's all kind of beside the point, because I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. So first off, there's Lindsay Lohan, who wasn't even a twinkle in her jailbird father's eye when the radio show began. Lindsay Lohan! In a Robert Altman film! No, that's really not that big of a deal, actually, when you consider he already used Ryan Phillippe in Gosford Park, Tara Reid in Dr. T and the Women, and Pearl Coffey Chason in Brewster McCloud. That's right! Pearl Coffey Chason! No, I don't know who the hell she is either. Anyway, that's the extent to which I'm going to list off the cast, because everyone knows Altman = approximately 287 starring roles and 5,279 cameos, and if you thought this column was mediocre so far, imagine how desperate I'd sound when I got to number 5,119. ("Wow, watching [actor 5,119] in this movie is destined to be about as exciting as watching Ashlee Simpson analyze the religious subtext of Teen Wolf Too.") So that's why I'm going to stop here and move on.

Cars (obligatory Pixar blockbuster, rated G, directed by John Lasseter)

After The Omen took advantage of the sorta-ominous date on Tuesday, I had to wonder if Pixar didn't miss their chance to do the same thing.... like, a whole "TAKE A RIDE ON ROUTE 666!" campaign with smiling devil cars and exhaust pipes spraying demon blood on a landscape of painstakingly CG-animated carnage. Alas, that appears not to be the case, and I guess the fact that they picked Randy Newman to do the score instead of Rob Zombie is a pretty clear indication that they're serious about staying on the family-friendly tip. That's a real shame, because seriously, imagine what Pixar could do if they really set out to brutally scar the childhood of every kid who watched their films. I mean, you just know there's a guy in every one of their pitch meetings who says, "Hey, this time what if we have Buzz Lightyear go all Chucky and massacre the whole neighborhood?" And sure, he gets shot down, but I bet you all the rest of them are thinking "You know, that would be pretty awesome."


Chup Chup Ke (your guess is as good as mine, unrated, directed by Priyadarshan, written by Priyadarshan and Neeraj Vora)

Obligatory foreign film time! I can't quite read whatever that tagline is on top of the poster, so let's come up with some better alternatives based on (a) the title and (b) the fact that they're all giving the international "Shhhh" symbol.

What's the secret? FIND OUT on June 9th. (Okay, the secret is that THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO BLOW UP!)

Because just ONE Chup wasn't wacky enough!

Chup Chup Ke... the DEADLIEST game of "duck, duck goose" you've ever played!

Singing! Dancing! Fancy outfits! (*)

(*) Also a suitable tagline for every other Bollywood film ever made