Snap Judgment: Gah! Too many movies!

No time for the usual opening sarcastic bit! Do you KNOW how many movies need to be summarily dismissed this morning? I don't think you do!



Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (comedy, rated PG, directed by Tim Hill, written by Joel Cohen & Alec Sokolow, based on the almost-funny comic strip by Jim Davis)

This is usually the kind of sequel that goes direct to video and/or has a different lead actor than the original. But that's not the case in this case; it's theatrical and with the same cast. So there goes my brilliantly crafted joke about how "even Breckin Meyer was too busy to do this one." Seriously, would that not have been comedy gold? Now I'm stuck trying to get a laugh out of whoever else is in the cast, like -- dear god, is that Sharon Osbourne voice-acting in this movie? All right, I give up already.


The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (car thingy, rated PG-13, directed by Justin Lin, written by Chris Morgan, Alfredo Botello, Kario Salem)

Speed needs no translation. Amen to that. I really like how pitches from junior studio execs can now be turned into advertising lingo with zero filtering in between. Why did they stop there? They should have just had the poster say, This film will play very well in the increasingly competitive foreign markets because it has very little intelligible dialogue but lots of fast cars, some of which will probably blow up. However, we haven't spent all that much money on either the movie or the marketing, because we're aware that it's geared toward the part of the world where film piracy is by far the most rampant. Seriously, I think you can already get the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie on DVD over there for like two dollars. Michelle, remind me to pick that up on my next trip to Tokyo. And make sure I don't forget my fucking Blackberry this time, unless you want me calling you collect at 3 in the morning from the payphone outside the Most Excellent Happiness massage parlor to find out if the Dreamworks deal went through.

But I guess if they actually wrote all that, they wouldn't have room for that swell future-property-of-Frankie-Muniz car.


Nacho Libre (comedy, rated PG, directed by Jared Hess, written by Jared Hess, Jerusha Hess, and Mike White)

I didn't see Napoleon Dynamite. Thought about seeing it. Had people tell me I absolutely had to see it. Then had other people tell me I wasn't missing anything. Sided with the latter. New movie comes out from Napoleon Dynamite dude, this time with Jack Black. I like Jack Black. Sometimes (i.e., School of Rock). I like Mike White sometimes too, especially since he used to write for Freaks & Geeks, which really is pretty much the best show ever. And the movie was shot entirely in Mexico, the country which famously provides 1/4 of my heritage. But still... that fear of commitment vibe creeps in every time the words "studio" and "comedy" are in a sentence together. Sure, they want you to think it's not like that, that it's just fucking dripping with indie credibility and subtle humor. But is it really? It's clearly got a huge marketing budget, judging by the number of buses I've seen it on, so I guess Paramount expects it to do big money. And comedies that do big money usually have "Meet The _____" in the title. So, should I give this a chance? Might it be good in spite of the fact that Paramount wants us to think it's good? I don't know; these philosophical questions are too heavy for me to ponder when I still have other films to trash.

The Lake House (romance/fantasy, rated R, directed by Alejandro Agresti, written by David Auburn, based on a screenplay by Eun-Jeong Kim and Ji-na Yeo)

"Uh... Sandra?" "Yeah?" "Dude... why am I in, like, black and white?" "It's supposed to represent the theme of the movie." "Oh. [pause] What's the theme?" "We're joined at the heart but separated by time." "Oh. Hey, that's wild. So we're like, uh, Simonese twins?" "No, I mean like spiritually." "Oh. Oh. Yeah, I dig that." "You don't know what I mean, do you?" "Sure I do. You're talking about Jesus. I dig that. I used to be into that but I'm, like, Buddhist now. I think. I have to check with my manager." "So, Keanu?" "Yeah, dude?" "You can let go of me now. The photo shoot ended about twenty minutes ago."