Snap Judgment: If I Count To Ten Will You Disappear?

Always the zen master of good timing, Nick just so happened to pick this particular craptastical new release Friday to blow town and entrust me with Snap Judgment. What you may not know is that I self diagnosed myself with ADD last week. But I digr-- hey, shiny obj-- that's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane, IMDB is not afraid.

The Break Up (rated PG-13, directed by Peyton Reed, written by Jeremy Garelick & Jay Lavender)

English Translation: Diet War of the Roses / War of the Roses Lite

So there’s this couple who break up and fight over a condo. Mind you, the trailer (which starts off with a pianoesque “Heart and Soul” then switches over to Social D’s “Ball and Chain?!”) is utterly condo-reference free and I’m pretty sure Vince and Jennifer don’t fall to their deaths at the end. So, like, whatever.

I bet there’s not even any good angry ass-kicking punch-out sex like in War of the Roses. I’m sure Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had better kung fu sex in Mr. and Mrs.-- oooh, did I just go there?!


Banlieue 13 (rated R, directed by Pierre Morel, written by Luc Besson and Bibi Naceri. Limited release - as if you care.)

English Translation: District B13

Plot summary: “Set in the ghettos of Paris in 2010, an undercover cop and ex-thug try to infiltrate a gang in order to defuse a neutron bomb.”

Oy.

So here’s the plan. I’m just going to put all the parts of the movie that I don’t want to see in bold type.

“Set in the ghettos of Paris in 2010, an undercover cop and ex-thug try to infiltrate a gang in order to defuse a neutron bomb.”

Voila, pure genius! “Set in the of in an and try to infiltrate a in order to a” is going to seriously rock! If that plot summary doesn't just scream "SEE THIS MOVIE," then I don't know what does!

Wait! I changed my mind. I want the plot summary of this movie to be “Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!”


Taepung (rated R, directed by Kyung-Taek Kwak, written by Kyung-Taek Kwak. Limited release - as if you care.)

English Translation: Typhoon

“A modern-day pirate plans a massive attack on North and South Korea.”

Remember how a few months ago Nick forced me to watch “The Rock” where fricking Ed Harris thinks he’s a non-balding bad-ass, so he holds San Francisco hostage with nukes or something and then Sean Connery talks about winners fucking the prom queen? And remember how I wanted to jab ice picks into my nipples just to make the pain go away?

Call me crazy, but I have an inkling that this movie will be way more torturous.

I mean, "modern-day pirate" is the sickest, most twisted oxymoron that I've heard of in a while. And where does the typhoon come in? I think they just called it Taepung because the working title was Taepungie Tang.

I think this film would be much more interesting if it were about “North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.”


Peaceful Warrior (rated PG-13, directed by Victor Salva, written by Kevin Bernhardt and adapted from Dan Millman's novel. Limited release - as if you care.)

Translation: The director is an admitted and convicted child molester.

You’re probably thinking “Why does Nick always give Eti these weird-ass sexually questionable topics to deal with? Is it because she’s just totally kinky like that?” Hmmm, good question!

In spite of my masochistic tendencies, just the fact that this guy directed Mary Steenburgen in a movie is enough to put me off him for life. Shit, even I don't like pain that much.