Snap Judgment: Only Xenu can save you from the ghosts and protect the owls

And yes, that will be the only Scientology joke that appears today, because honestly, that stuff is a little played.... I mean, isn't it pretty clear to everyone else by now that the entire religion was set up for the sole purpose of being made fun of? Besides, we don't want to shortchange Mormons or Kabbalists. They're wacky too.

Anyway! On with the Judgment that doth Snap. Don't forget to check out, from last night, Eti's ode to Jellyfish or our latest podcast. And now, let's see what the weekend brings us.

Hoot (comedy, I guess, rated PG, written/directed by Wil Shriner, from the novel by Carl Hiassen)

Uh... yeah. I know I'm supposed to be the pop culture guru here, but I have no better idea of what the hell this is than you do. Apparently these days you can throw a few good-looking people in front of a bulldozer, then slap an owl in front of them and you've got a movie. Oh, you can laugh, but I guarantee you there were meetings about what that owl should look like.



Mission: Impossible III (action, rated PG-13, directed by J.J. Abrams, written by J.J. Abrams, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci)

J.J. Abrams dreamed up Alias to be "Felicity in the CIA," but when the show actually happened, Jennifer Garner was the one who got to kick the ass while Keri Russell had to sit around and be lovelorn for another season, then try to parlay her critically acclaimed performance in The Curve into some sort of film career. Not exactly fair; I mean, she didn't even get to do a guest spot on Alias as, say, a fetching young counteragent who seduces Sydney for information. (Memo to JJ: WHY THE HELL NOT?) But now that the powers that be (i.e., that Cruise guy) have given JJ $150 million to play with, Keri finally has her shot at the big time. Based on the trailer, it looks like she at least gets to fire some guns and jump out of buildings, so that's a good start. Side note: Eti and I saw Keri out at breakfast one morning back in January. She wound up sitting at a table near us, and as I carried my latte back from the counter I mused that if I spilled the drink on her, I'd end up with a great "I spilled a latte on Keri Russell" story, whereas if I had spilled it on anyone else I would have pretty much zero anecdotal potential. And then I moved on to another topic, as I shall do now.



An American Haunting (horror, rated PG-13, written/directed by Courtney Solomon, from the book by Brent Monahan)

You guys, it's based on a true story! I guess that's kind of scary, but it's also good news -- because if ghosts are real, then I don't need to go to a movie from the director of Dungeons and Dragons to see them. Everybody wins! Including Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek, who I'm sure took on the lead roles out of sheer respect for the artistic integrity of the script. Seriously, though... the 2 of them on the top of the poster? Did I fall asleep and wake up in 1979?