Snap Judgment: All shall bow before the Lord! Except cartoon animals!

Ah, it's looking to be one hell of an exciting weekend at the movies, and by "at the movies," I mean "in my living room watching Coal Miner's Daughter from Netflix," because, well... let's take a look.

Oracle of the IMDb Now Playing, what sayeth you?


The Da Vinci Code (twisty Jesus thriller, rated PG-13, directed by Ron Howard, screenplay by Akiva Goldsman from the novel by Dan Brown)

Some of the super-religious folks among us don't want people to see this because it's full of lies." Or they want some kind of disclaimer before the movie starts that says "This is a work of fiction." To those people I say: there already is such a disclaimer, and it's Tom Hanks's hair. Seriously. No, no, seriously. If anybody walks out of this movie believing that Tom has a long, flowing, jet-black mane like that in real life, then I don't think there's much point in trying to convince them of anything else. But while I'm on the topic, why the hair, anyway? I read the book, and while it was way back in '03, I still don't recall the character description being that specific. Hang on, let me ask one of the PopWhore interns for a copy. Okay, here we go. Well, look at that: I was mistaken. Here it is, right on page 46:

"The mark on the painting was annoyingly familiar, yet its significance remained elusive. Langdon swept aside his thick black mop of hair, a relic of his glory days as the lead guitarist of Warrant, and began combing the archives for the clue he so desperately sought. THEN SOMEONE PULLED A KNIFE ON HIM!" (Next chapter) "He ran!" (Next chapter) "And ran!" (Next chapter) "And got in a car!" (And so on.)


Over The Hedge (more digitized hijinks, rated PG, written and directed by Roman Polanski... nah, just kidding, but I don't feel like listing out all the actual contributors)

Did you guys see the last Apprentice, where the winners of the task got flown out to DreamWorks studios and had their voices put into the movie? Man, that was awesome. You know the quality of this film has to be exceedingly high for the filmmakers to be so selective in their casting of voice actors. My only issue is that none of the rest of the cast appears to have gone through the same rigorous selection process. Did Bruce Willis have to design a kick-ass WalMart kiosk promoting the new Xbox 360 before he got called into the recording booth? I think not. And that really points to one of the reasons why Hollywood is falling apart these days. Talent is no longer rewarded! It's all about favoritism! Well, I, personally, will not stand for it. Let it be known that this the day on which I begin my vow to refuse to see any film starring so-called "actors" who never even cut their teeth on a megalomaniacal NBC reality show. Yeah, I know it's a controversial move. But deep down, you know I'm right.


See No Evil (horror, rated R, directed by Gregory Dark, written by Dan Madigan)

Some movies I need to make fun of on here because they have a lot more credibility than they deserve. This really isn't one of them. I'm kind of out of ideas, so I'm just going to list the results of the research I did on this film in the past 30 seconds:

1. The movie was shot in Queensland, Australia on a budget of $8 million dollars.
2. The script is by Dan Madigan, whose sole previous credit is a writer on WWE Smackdown.
3. The director, Gregory Dark, has a resume that includes New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, and Deep Inside Vanessa Del Rio.
   
4. He also directed a video for Britney Spears ("From the Bottom of My Broken Heart").
5. Ew.