Snap Judgment: So you're back, from outer space...

Sorry, folks. I know that "Snap Judgment" and "two-week hiatus" go about as well together as "Kelly Osbourne" and "talent", but circumstances are circumstances and thus did I see the column slip away from my grasp on one Friday and then another. I'll do my best to ensure that doesn't happen again, so you don't have to be sitting under your desks holding your knees to your chest and rocking yourself back and forth for 14 straight days. Anyway, without further ado...


The Departed (crime thriller, rated R, directed by Martin Scorsese, written by William Monahan, based on the film Infernal Affairs)

This is the kind of movie with a budget big enough to hire Mark Wahlberg just as a dialect coach, but no, they actually gave him a real part in it! I'm guessing Scorsese's people insisted that he include his Boston accent-advising as part of his fee, though. Wait, what am I thinking? He's got the real-life Ari for an agent! I'm sure the services were separately negotiated. And if life imitates art imitating life, perhaps he also threw a hissy fit about being commandeered to come back for The Departed 2, thus setting off a chain reaction of events ultimately leading him to fire Ari. Meanwhile, it's looking more and more like Leo has a Scorsese-signed plaque on his wall inscribed with "Don't Forget, You're Here Forever." Either that, or he managed to implant a chip in Marty's brain enabling him to feed the director his story ideas. If we start seeing billboards for What's Eating Gilbert Grape Now?: A Martin Scorsese Picture, I think that'll more or less prove it. Jack Nicholson was likely much easier to lure into the film, seeing as (a) it gave him a chance to engage in scenery-chewing of a type he normally only enjoys at the Staples Center, and (b) the press junkets provided ample time away from home to allow his Brando-home-sized garden to grow.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (horror, rated R, directed by Jonathan Liebesman, written by Sheldon Turner & David J. Schow)

Hollywood looooves their prequels (and by "Hollywood," of course, I mean "ex-industry magnate shareholders of the 2 or 3 non-entertainment companies that control 90% of what we see in the theaters"), and god forbid if this one makes money, because it'll only lead to a prequel to the prequel. By film number 10 we'll be up to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Story Of The One Dude Who Worked At The Steel Mill That Produced The Metal For The Chainsaw," probably starring, oh, I don't know, Rachel Leigh Cook's nephew's second cousin. But the kicker is that PEOPLE WILL STILL GO SEE IT! These days they don't even need nudity in these things to get the teenage boys to line up. Ugh. Aren't they supposed to be downloading them instead? So, like, the movies don't make any money?


Employee of the Month (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Greg Coolidge, written by Don Calame, Chris Conroy, and Greg Coolidge)

Didn't we already have a comedy about people working in a Target-type store? No, I know it was Career Opportunities and it was 15 years ago. (15 years ago! Way to go, Jennifer Connelly's prettiness-retention department. She seems to have things under control on her own, though, so do you think you guys could pay a visit to Lohan?) But still, there's a certain span of time during which it's not okay to have more than one comedy like this, and that span of time is generally referred to as "ever." Plus, when one person's already run into the lion's den of department store comedies and then been tossed out with his limbs barely intact -- and that person was JOHN HUGHES -- you're probably wisest to mosey on over to, say, the petting zoo of high school gross-out flicks. Not as rewarding, but much less chance of reaching in and then pulling back a bloody stump. Oh, and Dane Cook? You're funny, you're from Boston, girls seem to think you're way hot, and you've got more buzz right now than a bumblebee on meth. And THIS is the film you chose as your vehicle for bursting through into cinema? If I were Jerry Remy, I wouldn't even let you into the Red Sox broadcasting booth after this.