Snap Judgment: The Day Before Saturday and After The 12th

You wouldn't think anyone would actually want to release a movie on Friday the 13th unless it was, well, Friday the 13th. (And what are we up to in that series, anyway? Friday the 13th Part XIVLSCVNAIE: Jason Goes To Starbucks And Orders Six Shots In His Tall Latte But Then Claims He Wanted Decaf?) So, yeah, there are a few new ones out this week, but the studio might as well just go ahead and release them on YouTube because I'm sure there's still a sizeable chunk of the country that believes going to the theater this weekend will result in some kind of crazy Final Destination-type mayhem.


Man of the Year (comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Barry Levinson)

Well, here's a fine example of what I was just talking about, since everyone knows that when you could actually say "Robin Williams equals big box office" with a straight face, you could probably follow it up with "Check out my new pogo ball!" Meanwhile, the interceding decade and a half hasn't proven so kind to the financial prospects of his particular brand of charming annoyance, and if that feat of comedic brilliance entitled R.V. (*) didn't put him back on track, then I'm not sure this will help much either. I have to wonder, though, how Barry Levinson can be dumb enough to be behind all this. Here's my best guess:

Barry Levinson: I want to make a really smart satire about the presidency, and I only want half a million to direct it.
Studio Exec: Um... make it a dumb satire and we'll give you ten million.
Barry Levinson: Well, gosh, I really... okay, fine, deal. (Shakes hands)
Studio Exec: And it has to star Robin Williams. We owe him from the other thing.
Barry Levinson: Whoa, whoa... hold on there.
Studio Exec: Already shook hands! No take backs! (Gives self an everlasting cootie shot to be on the safe side)

(*) Yes, Snap Judgment remembers all.


The Marine (action, rated PG-13, directed by John Bonito, written by Michelle Gallagher and Alan McElroy)

Sadly, I think that those of us who scratched our heads and asked ourselves "Who the hell is that guy and what's his name doing in big yellow letters?" are simply not the target market for this movie. Do a little research and you'll find he's a way huge star in that exciting world of professional wrestling (oh, which they now call "sports entertainment," in much the same way that "herpes" is referred to as "no big deal, I swear it'll clear up.") In fact, there's like a ton of information available on him on his IMDB page alone. Did you know that one of his many finishing moves is called the You Can't See Me Stalling Suplex? I wonder if he does that in the movie! I mean, damn, a buff Marine with a kick-ass suplex would just be unstoppable. That's a real screenwriter's challenge, actually, since you generally have to give your protagonist a weakness or two to ensure that his quest isn't too easy. Maybe in the movie, he temporarily loses his ability to do the suplex and has to make do with only that gun he's holding. That would be totally dramatic.


The Grudge 2 (horror, rated R, directed by Takashi Shimizu, written by Stephen Susco)

Aha, here's our scary movie. Two scary movies in one, really -- the superficially creepy story of the murdering ghost, and the much more frightening true-life tale in which karma exacts revenge upon Sarah Michelle Gellar for repeatedly bragging about the stellar film career she was going to have once she was unshackled from "Buffy." Fight that karma, Sarah! Do some edgy independent films to showcase your true range of talent! Or... uh... hmm, guess you're not quite planning that.