Snap Judgment: What? On a what???

At long last, the Friday we've been waiting for all summer is here. Yes, of course, I'm talking about the day that I finally make an appointment with my podiatrist about that little toenail issue. (Just kidding. I don't actually have a podiatrist. In fact, I don't even have feet! Long story on that one -- let me just tell you, if you drop your iPod into an industrial trash compactor, and climb in to try to fish it out, and you manage to retrieve it, and then your shoe falls off on the way out, just leave it. An extra trip to the Skechers on 3rd Street is a lot more pleasant of a proposition than a lifetime spent trying to find other uses for your now-extraneous socks.)



Snakes on a Plane (thriller, rated R, directed by David Ellis, written by John Heffernan, Sebastian Gutierrez, and David Dalessandro)

Well, as the literally interpreted poster helpfully demonstrates to us, it's actually Snakes IN a Plane. If the snakes were just on the plane, they'd be kind of creepy and annoying but most likely would just fall off the fuselage at some point in the initial ascent and/or get sucked into the engine. Good thing that's not the case! Those snakes deserve safe air travel as much as the rest of us, especially since as far as I know, they're not trying to carry on any hair gel or nail clippers.

Anyway, we all know this is supposed to be a big hit, and "we all" obviously includes rival studios and even rival movie-producing countries who will no doubt take the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon. Our team of devoted Pop Whore interns, working long hours for nothing more than college credit and the occasional bottle of Dasani, has scoured the globe to see what sort of shameless knock-offs are in the works.

England: Hedgehogs on a Surrey

1800s period piece starring Colin Firth, Keira Knightley, and Alan Rickman. Based on the lesser-known Jane Austen novel. Guaranteed to bring down the house when Firth's character delivers the memorable line, "Do give pardon to my plebeian utterances, but I must say I have had quite enough of these blasted hedghehogs on this blasted surrey!"

India: Mongooses on a Rickshaw

It's a nail-biting thriller, of course, but it's also a romantic comedy of manners and arranged marriages. Also features a 35-minute musical interlude with dancing mongooses. Rumor has it Will Smith already wants to adapt this one for America.

Mexico: Los Gorgojos de Cápsula en un Burro (Boll Weevils on a Donkey)

A more traditional tale of a struggling family's hopes and dreams amid the specter of poverty, oppression, and yes, those damn boll weevils.

Australia: Koalas on a Range Rover

Finally, a suitable comeback vehicle for Paul Hogan! I hear they're throwing a lot of money at Heath Ledger to join him.

The Illusionist (drama, rated PG-13, written/directed by Neil Burger, from the short story by Steven Millhauser)

Wait, there are other movies this week? Really? Wow. Someone must not like this one very much to put it out at the same time as that reptile flick. Imagine how the filmmakers must feel, going around to all their usual social functions and attempting to toss off a cool line like, "Hey, I've got a movie opening this weekend," only to be met with the response "OH SHIT, THE ONE WITH THE SNAKES?" and being forced to reply, "No, it's actually a provocative period--" "HEY EVERYONE, THIS DUDE WORKED ON THE SNAKE MOVIE! LET'S ASK HIM TO DO THE 'MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANE' LINE! C'MON, IT'LL BE FUN! DRINKS ARE ON HIM! THAT MOVIE'S GOING TO BE HUGE!" And so it goes.

Material Girls (comedy, rated PG, directed by Martha Coolidge, written by John Quaintance, Jessica O'Toole, Amy Rardin)

Those lovable Duff sisters, deprived of the easy Lohanesque publicity that goes along with regular drunkenness, slackerness, and almost-being-fired-from-movieness, have been forced to actually appear in a film and do their best to be amusing and funny. Yes, apparently there are still a few actresses who follow this almost charmingly old-fashioned route to continued fame. I just wonder if such an outdated approach can possibly compete with today's advanced techniques of public vomiting, kinkajou injuries, and accidental exposure of frighteningly grotesque plastic surgery enhancements. We'll just have to wait and see.