Snap Judgment: Um, I actually think we're kind of ready for those snakes by now

Yeah, this looks like another "exciting" "weekend" to "go" to "the" movies.

Let's get this over with.


World Trade Center (docudrama, rated PG-13, directed by Oliver Stone, written by Andrea Berloff)

"Too soon," some people say. And they're right! By all accounts, this is as factual and exact a retelling of the true story as you can get. Which is fine and great for, like, the History Channel or A&E, but this is OLIVER FREAKING STONE. We don't see his movies for accuracy; we see them because of his uncanny ability to make up the craziest shit imaginable and convince us it's true. And he needed to wait another 20 years or so to make this film so he really could have done himself justice. There's a reason he did JFK in 1991 instead of, like, 1968. A couple decades buys you the artistic license to throw in some psychadelia, eerie John Williams music, and a scenery-chewing Tommy Lee Jones. I don't think you'll find any of those elements in this movie. Sigh. I hope there's at least a little clip after the end credits where Stone comes running out yelling "THE CIA DID IT! THOSE WEREN'T EVEN REAL PLANES! AND I THINK KIM JONG IL WAS IN ON IT TOO!" Because there's no way he can hold his conspiracy theory tongue for this long.

Pulse (horror, rated R, directed by Jim Sonzero, written by Wes Craven and Kiyoshi Kurosawa)

That poster looks like the nightmare you might have after sitting through some Japanese horror flick and then trying to calm yourself by watching the videos for "Oops I Did It Again" and "I'm A Slave 4 U." Anyway, even the presence of Veronica Mars still probably won't be enough to get me into the theater for this, because as Eti can tell you, I am a huge wuss who can't handle scary movies. The other thing I'm a little iffy about with this film is the fact that, according to the synopsis, the freaky evil whatevers get into our world via a wireless signal. I mean, we've barely had 3 years to enjoy the miracle of WiFi and it's already bringing in demons! Is this some kind of scare tactic on behalf of the studios to make us think twice before BitTorrenting their entire film libraries? We'll have to ask Eti after she sees it -- and yes she will, because it stars Kristen Bell and Ian Somerhalder, which basically equals her favorite game of Spin the Bottle ever.


Step Up (dance movie, rated PG-13, directed by Anne Fletcher, written by Duane Adler and Melissa Rosenberg)

For a second there I thought they finally made a movie out of the drinking game Rossanna and I created for The Apprentice, wherein you drink every time someone says "Step up." (This happens approximately 4,396 times per episode, so it's best to do it with sips instead of shots if you want to avoid having to pause the Tivo for a trip to the ER.) Sadly, it's just another movie about a couple of people doing a bunch of fancy (and, I assume, extremely well-edited) dance moves with a few scenes of laughter and, like, SOOOOO much drama interspersed throughout. Fun fact: Jenna Dewan (i.e., the one getting spun) toured as a dancer on P. Diddy's "We Invented The Remix" tour and Janet Jackson's "All For You" tour. But lest you think her acting chops aren't up to snuff, she also did guest spots on "Joey" and "Quintuplets" and played the title role (!) in the movie Tamara, which pretty much has the best tagline ever ("Revenge has a killer body"). Is someone going to Netflix that? Anyone? Please? Do I have to? Just look at the refreshingly grammar-free IMDB summary: Tamara, an unattractive girl, who is picked on by her peers returns after her death as a sexy seductress to exact revenge. "Unattractive girl", they say! I bet that means in the beginning of the movie she has glasses and, like, minimal foundation! So, uh, back to this dance movie business. I'm guessing the soundtrack probably has Sean Paul and Kelis. Or maybe that's because I just looked it up on Amazon. More importantly, it has a track by Clipse featuring Re-Up Gang and Roscoe P. Goldchain! Don't you wish that level of collaboration whoredom would spread to, say, novelists? Like instead of just buying the new Dave Eggers book, you could get the new Dave Eggers book featuring Sarah Vowell, Michael Chabon and Jeffrey Eugenides? Or Stephen King could put out a claustrophobic horror novel with a little Maya Angelou poetry breakdown on page 102? There's some untapped potential there, methinks.


Zoom (action/comedy, rated PG, directed by Peter Hew.... forget it, that's enough for one day, and P.S., they ALREADY MADE SPY KIDS LIKE THREE TIMES.)