Snap Judgment

Now on a semi-regular schedule! Really gives you a reason for living, doesn't it?

Baby Mama (rated PG-13, written and directed by Michael McCullers)

First of all, I ask you: Has anything good ever come from a movie poster where the less wacky character is looking sideways at the more wacky character? Hold on and let me scan the roughly 2,736 posters to which I have instantaneous memory recall access... yeah, it's looking like the answer is "No." I would also like to point out that Tina Fey, while awesome in every conceivable way (in fact, based on an ongoing informal survey of females I know, she seems to have easily wrested the "#1 Girl Crush" title from Angelina Jolie among both the "straight" and "otherwise" populations) -- anyway, I would like to point out that, yes, despite all that, she did not write this movie. If she had, do you think she would have called it Baby Mama? Of course not; she would have come up with something much more clever. Me, I would have given it the same title I'd give any movie I wanted to be successful: Die Hard 5: The Loneliest Girl at the Wedding, because just imagine the ticket sales.


Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (rated R, written and directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg)

[Editor's note: OK, seriously, what's with all the comedies this week? Making fun of comedies is generally a losing battle, as the producers of all those (Genre) Movie movies should have learned by now but clearly haven't. Nevertheless, I shall try.] So, are they still supposed to be in college four years after the first movie? I didn't see it, but I thought they were smart. Hey, did you know John Cho is 36 years old? That's kind of getting on in years to play a... college... oh, for god's sake, there's nothing funny to say. Let's move on.



Rogue (rated R, written and directed by Greg McLean)

Finally! This is the kind of movie with which Snap Judgment butters its proverbial bread (or, if Snap Judgment is vegan, Earth-Balances its proverbial sprouted grain loaf). Now, one could choose this occasion to ruminate on why there are so many man-eating crocodile movies out there. A quick IMDb search for the keyword "crocodile" turns up a solid 142, although the scientific accuracy of that could be called into question given that one of them is The Chipmunk Adventure. Never mind, though, because I'm more interested in why there aren't more man-eating crocodile (or alligator; let's give them their due) films. Seems to me that they're a pretty easy sell -- tropical locations, lots of people in skimpy clothing, tons of gory death, satisfying finale in which the giant creature buys the farm in some kind of imaginitive way. All that stuff equals guaranteed box office, right? So I'm thinking that the fact that we only get maybe one a year means that a lot of the writers are screwing up their pitches. Hypothetical example: "So, it's Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas... tons of nubile girls and six-packed guys partying like there's no tomorrow. And guess what, for a lot of them there really is no tomorrow -- because a giant prehistoric alligator storms the beach and starts devouring these dudes and coeds by the dozen. The only man who can stop this horrific beast is a highly trained ex-Navy SEAL who's been tracking the alligator for years but could never get close enough to kill it. Can he finally do it this time, before the creature gets his daughter? The answer is yes -- actually, he kills it in the first five minutes, but it drains him emotionally and he spends the remainder of the film in a small cabin in Minnesota, pondering the troubling mysteries of the world as he stares into a dying fire." Must be something like that.

Snap Judgment

No time to waste! Some of these movies really suck!


Street Kings (rated R, directed by David Ayer, screenplay by James Ellroy and Kurt Wimmer and Jamie Moss, story by James Ellroy)

Well, maybe not this one. The filmmakers seem to have averted disaster by throwing in a few reputable actors (plus Keanu Reeves) and coughing up enough cash for a script by James Ellroy (actually, forget cash; he probably insisted on being paid in vintage 1940s snuff films). Because, can't we all imagine a film of this very same title, featuring a much smaller budget and starring only Common and The Game, without any of those other people? Of course we can. Those movies are everywhere! Directed by a three-time Video Music Award winner, featuring an original orchestral score by Smakk Foozee, and edited by somebody's nephew who got a fancy laptop for Christmas. This film might be better than those, but its poster certainly isn't... I mean, what is that, a giant inkblot? Did they have to cut costs at the last minute and re-use marketing materials from Rorschach: The Man Behind The Test?




Prom Night (rated PG-13, directed by Nelson McCormick, written by J.S. Cardone)

I think it's fair to say that this movie is a perfect demonstration of the absolute incompetence of the studio executives involved. Seriously. Do they think flocks of teenagers will just show up at any old film that has multiple gory deaths and occasional dry humping? No, they most certainly will not. They have standards. They have criteria. They are not going to shell out $10 of their parents' hard-earned money to see some thrown-together crapfest unless it stars at least one cast member from The Hills. It really is remarkable how out of touch the people behind those studio gates can be.

Smart People (rated R, directed by Noam Murro, written by Mark Poirier)

Here's what happen when you call a movie "Smart People."

1. Dumb people won't want to see it. There goes 63% of your box office.

2. Smart people who do see it will quickly realize that it's mistitled, and that the Scrabble(TM) reference on the poster is just a ruse.

3. Thomas Haden Church will whip it out at some point during filming. (Though, apparently, that happens often with him.)