Snap Judgment: Football, Murder, and Infidelity: Three Great American Pastimes

Technically speaking, these are the last films to be released this summer, since fall officially starts on the 22nd. But did you need to know that? Of course you did. Otherwise you'd end up wandering around the office saying things like "I can't believe it's already fall!" and "Seems like just yesterday it was still summer!" and "This rash on my inner thigh totally looks like it's spreading!" And I'd just as soon spare you the embarrassment.


The Black Dahlia (mystery/historical, rated R, directed by Brian De Palma, written by Josh Friedman from the novel by James Ellroy)

James Ellroy wrote the novel L.A. Confidential, which, you know, was made into one of the better movies of all time. But success did not come easy to him. When he was several years younger than I, he was completely destitute and basically living on the streets, and one night passed out on a park bench next to a much older woman and woke up the next morning with an extra $50 in his wallet. (Not kidding.) The Black Dahlia, unfortunately, looks like it will have more in common with that little encounter than with L.A. Confidential, and the TV ads keep telling me it's "from the director of Scarface" which, to me, is about as enticing as saying "from the director of the 2-hour informercial on that magic grease remover." But you know, to each his/her own. When I was in college everyone who thought they were cool had a Scarface poster on the wall right next to the Reservoir Dogs poster with the Harvey Keitel quote. I can only assume that's because in college, there's nothing cooler than blood, which also explains why everyone was glued to their TVs when E.R. came on at 10 PM on Thursdays. Now Brian De Palma appears to have honed his exploitation of this fetish even further by throwing in Josh Hartnett so that collegiate girlfriends will only have to pretend they're being dragged to see this.

Gridiron Gang (drama, rated PG-13, directed by Phil Joanou, written by Jeff Maguire, based on the documentary of the same name)

Taking an actual documentary and turning it into an "Inspired by a true story"-type film might seem kind of "lame" to all those Hollywood naysayers who stand ready to poke as many holes as possible in a movie before it even sees the light of day (some of us hold our tongues until the premiere date, thank you very much); but the best way to silence all those inveterate jackholes is to put someone like THE ROCK in your movie, because nothing affords you as much cinematic credibility as the former executor of what I believe they referred to as "the most electrifying move in sports entertainment." Did you realize the Oscar-baiting movie releases were starting this early now? Me neither. Just getting those "GRID" and "IRON" temporary tattoos on his fingers should be enough to secure him some gold.

The Last Kiss (romantic dramedy, rated R, directed by Tony Goldwyn, written by Paul Haggis, based on the film L'ultimo baco)

Uh, Zach Braff? If it turns out you're leaving Scrubs after this season to make a lot more movies like this one, I think we'll all be making the face you're making on the poster. And staying home and not seeing them. And eventually, burning you in effigy.