Snap Judgment: Death by ghosts! Death by fame! Death by kicking!

AHHHH! I started this Friday but it got away from me and now I fear some of you may have already ventured into theaters without the proper preconceived notions that the movies therein will suck. Partially that's your own fault, because I've been doing this column going on 8 months now and have you learned nothing?

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Are we shocked that this isn't quite a banner week for new releases? If we were a filmmaker and/or movie star (and really, who's to say we aren't, since we maintain relative anonymity here), would we be peeing ourselves with glee upon being told that our movie was coming out on SEPTEMBER EIGHTH? Would it, perhaps, be more or less like being told we were getting a replacement car air vent for Christmas? Have we jumped the shark on talking about ourselves in the plural and using the subjunctive hypothetical tense at the same time? Probably. Let's slam some films.


The Covenant (horror, I guess, rated R, directed by Renny Harlin, written by J.S. Cardone)

There he goes again, Mr. Renny "Geena Davis and I split up, and it totally looked like I had the last laugh careerwise, until it turned out that she did" Harlin. Because these days she's playing the President on a super-popular TV show, and he's shooting a movie best described as "The Craft, except without anyone famous in it" that would probably have gone direct-to-Netflix if he weren't attached to it. Is there still a chance for them to reconcile? Could he convince Geena to let him direct a few episodes of Commander in Chief, or at least nab that guest starring role of a pyromaniac Scandinavian dude obsessed with product-placing Finlandia vodka into everything he shoots? Let's hope so, because at the rate he's going, by next year he'll be lucky if he's even allowed to post a video comment on MySpace.


Hollywoodland (drama, rated R, directed by Allen Coulter, written by Paul Berenbaum)

Good lord, for the first time in about 8 years it looks like "Ben Affleck" and "real movie" can live together in the same sentence without fighting over who does the dishes and which shows get Tivo priority. It's a glorious day. Too bad there's also Adrien Brody, who (to me) more and more looks like he's auditioning to be in the live-action version of Nightmare Before Christmas.

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And there's this movie called The Protector too. I think people fight with honor in that one, or something.