Snap Judgment: Wooden Farrell, Animated Cage

Happy Friday, wallabies! (That's probably what they say in Australia.) (To the wallabies, not the people. I assume people are addressed the same way they are here.)

Yeah, that southern hemisphere humor just doesn't play north of the equator. Anyway.



John Tucker Must Die (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Betty Thomas, written by Jeff Lowell)

Ah, we finally have this year's high school murder comedy. It's about time. I wonder how they'll kill this Tucker fellow. May I refer them to the list of ten deadliest poisons recently published by Wired? Lots of good choices there. Can you believe cyanide is only #6? Didn't you always have the impression that that was like by far the deadliest thing in the world, and you could die just by thinking about it, or even just by thinking about the color cyan and then mentioning the Ides of March in the next sentence? No, turns out botulinum is the most lethal of them all! Which, of course, is what they use in botox. Why, that's perfect. Just have one of these "high-school aged" girls get John Tucker to kiss them on their foreheads, and voila! Rapid death via nervous system failure!


Scoop (comedy/mystery, rated R, written/directed by Woody Allen)

ScarJo's back, and this time she's neurotic! But it's not that surprising; I'm sure after Match Point, Woody could only hold out for so long before his typewriter burst forth with scene after scene of people fretting hilariously about hors d'ouevres and being late for the opera. Oh, I kid, but we know I'll probably still Netflix it; if I could endure Curse of the Jade Scorpion (though just barely, and mainly because I was on a plane), then I should be able to put up with anything else (except, of course, the actual movie Anything Else, which I'm quite sure I'll never see). Moving on...


The Ant Bully (animated, rated PG, written/directed by John A. Davis, from the book by John Nickle)

Eek. The picture of a scantily clad boy under a creepy-looking guy with his arms out didn't raise any red flags, Social Services-wise? No, the MPAA was probably too busy censoring boobs to notice. Meanwhile, the star-studded cast list at the bottom is a comforting indicator of the fact that no matter how much artistry and effort an animation studio can put into one of its films, it'll still never sell without a bunch of famous people doing the voices. Remember when the biggest star in Beauty and the Beast was Angela Lansbury, and she had to do her own singing too? Me too, sort of. Then again, I can't argue with using Nic Cage in a cartoon, seeing as his voice already sounds like it's coming out of an animated zebra.


Miami Vice (action, rated R, written/directed by Michael Mann, based on the series created by Anthony Yerkovich)

Well, this just seems wrong to begin with. Sure, it's a movie based on a 20-year old TV drama that mainly retains camp value, but where's McG? More to the point, WHERE THE HELL IS OWEN WILSON? Has the man not proven his worth already? Was the 1-2 punch of I Spy and Starsky & Hutch not enough to cement his standing as the go-to actor for this type of film? Plus, Colin Farrell isn't from Miami. He's not even American! He's from Castleknock, Dublin! Was I in the bathroom when they changed the movie to Castleknock Vice? This is all just very, very wrong. Owen Wilson and Will Smith. That's the cast for this movie. (And all sarcasm aside, I'll eat both of my socks if none of the Universal executives suggested that in earnest.)