Snap Judgment: Orphaned airport kids will be sacrificed to the Mayan gods

Gosh, it's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time for good (i.e., highly budgeted and/or Oscar-baiting) movies to come out.

But not quite.



Unaccompanied Minors (comedy, rated PG, directed by Paul Feig, written by Jacob Meszaros & Mya Stark)

Oh sure, most people were affixing this movie with the "generic holiday crap" label as soon as they saw the poster -- but that's just because they didn't realize the hipness of its pedigree. First of all, it's based on a story from the super-awesome radio show This American Life (which finally has free podcasts). Second of all, it's directed by Paul Feig, creator of Freaks and Geeks (and co-star of Ski Patrol, a movie I probably rented about 47 times between my tenth and twelfth years) (don't judge me). Third of all, it has Lewis Black. But, alas, it seems like the before-the-fact naysayers were probably right and ultimately the geek points listed above don't add up to much. Sometimes when a movie studio buys the rights to a This American Life story, it's just because their idea well is so dry that they can't even come up with 83 or so minutes of kid-friendly holiday hijinks. And sometimes when they hire the one guy from Freaks and Geeks it's just because they heard how well that other guy from the show has been doing. And as awesome as he is on The Daily Show and in stand-up, Lewis Black doesn't always choose the best film roles.


The Holiday (romantic comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Nancy Meyers)

Also known as Closer: The Cuter, Sweeter Version With More Box Office Potential. Nancy Meyers is one of those people who insisted on calling things "A Film by Nancy Meyers" about two movies before she really should have. She also should be a wee bit wary of trumpeting her name too much, since fully 25% of her directorial filmography is made up by The Parent Trap, the movie that launched a certain red-haired actress to stardom, Page Six-dom, months-long bender at the Chateau Marmont-dom, and of course, brilliant Blackberry-composed mission statement-dom. Or maybe Meyers is fully aware of this and takes great pride in the many fascinating life choices made by her protege. She was probably the first one to see it all coming; it's possible that even at the tender age of twelve Lindsay was showing up to set several hours late with apple juice stains on her shirt and cookie crumbs on her face, the unmistakable signs of an all-night Malibu Barbie Dream House tea party that got out of hand.



Apocalypto (history/action, rated R, directed by Mel Gibson, written by Mel Gibson & Farhad Safinia)

Dear Mel,

I give up. Nothing on this earth is going to stop you from busting out crazy violent historical flicks every few years and promoting the hell out of them. You're the teflon celebrity. Next month you could be videotaped catapulting kittens and puppies into an active volcano, but by March or April you'd already have a trailer out for your 4-hour World War I epic, filmed in black and white with a cast of 3 million. Even if you're actually sent to prison at some point, I have no doubt that you'll laugh it off with a few publicist-approved self-deprecating jokes and then explain how your time in the joint was really a blessing in disguise because it allowed you to complete your 2,800 page script for your French and Indian War masterpiece which will only be able to be properly displayed on a 3-mile wide screen with 7,000 speakers. In a nutshell, nobody will ever be able to spend much time ridiculing you for any one thing because you are just too many kinds of crazy to keep up with. And quite frankly, that pretty much means you're a genius. So, congratulations. You've gone so far over the line that you made us forget there was one.