Hallelujah, A Snap Judgment Is Born Unto Us

Okay, it's much delayed, but there's at least one movie from this past weekend that needed some kind of judgment applied, even if it wasn't as snappy as I would have liked.


The Nativity Story (Sunday School field trip, rated PG, directed by Catherine Hardwicke, written by Mike Rich)

Jesus is the reason for the season, and if half the bumper stickers in the flyover states aren't sufficient to remind us of that, then I guess it's a good thing we have a movie to bolster their efforts. And good lord (no pun intended), look at the credentials of the talent involved!

1. Mike Rich, writer of Finding Forrester. Who better to adapt the Bible than the dude who put "You're the man now, dog!" into Sean Connery's mouth? Oh wait, he also wrote Radio. My bad. He's going to totally nail the part where a young, mentally challenged Jesus tries to get on the Nazareth High football team.
   
2. Catherine Hardwicke, director of Thirteen and Lords of Dogtown. She's, you know, edgy! I bet she'll really bring that gritty realism the source material demands. Lots of handheld, you-are-there camerawork in the manger scene, real frankincense and myrrh for the Wise Men, and, hell, even...
3. ...Keisha Castle-Hughes, actual pregnant 17-year old, as Mary. Wow, I'd say that's commitment to a project. I mean, they gave an Oscar to George Clooney for Syriana, and all he did was eat enough Krispy Kremes to build up a quality spare tire. Charlize Theron just had the hair and makeup people ugly her up a little, and she too ended up with the fanciest of doorstops. A mere prosthetic nosepiece sealed the deal for Nicole Kidman. Carrying a baby to term pretty much leaves all those in the dust, but doesn't anyone fear the future repercussions here? What are we going to see next year, Adrien Brody getting an actual lobotomy for the final scene of the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest remake?
   

In conclusion, I am freaking stoked for this like you have no idea. I hope the megachurches haven't bought up all the tickets just yet. And I was assuming that this movie was one of the initial offerings from the newly formed Fox Faith (seriously, that's a real thing) but no, it's actually distributed by New Line, a normal, non-religious (sometimes even sort of maverick) studio. Just wait until the really religious movies start hitting theaters! Cute little only-sort-of-Anglicized baby Jesus will be a drop in the bucket compared to the inevitably more hardcore stuff like Suzie Went To Planned Parenthood And Now She's Going to Hell, or even the seemingly innocuous but actually message-ridden romantic comedies like Steve and Shirley: A Romantic Comedy About A Married Husband and Wife. Gosh! An Actual Marriage Between One Man And One Woman! Does That Even Happen Anymore In This Sick, Perverse World Of Ours? But, uh, I digress.

Happy Monday.