Snap Judgment: So this is the New Year, and I don't see any difference...

Happy belated 2007, people. Rest assured, the Judgment is alive and well and continues to thrive on the dreck spewed forth by our massive entertainment conglomerate neighbors.

Shall we begin?



Primeval (thriller, rated R, directed by Michael Katleman, written by John Brancato & Michael Ferris)

Ah, we return to the "Inspired by the true story" school of poster-making. In this case, the writers were inspired by a twenty-five foot man-eating crocodile. And really, who wouldn't be inspired by one of those? I bet that crocodile sells out his "Maximize Your Potential" conferences at the Staples Center every six months, pacing back and forth on the stage and yelling into his headset mic about how "only you have the power to change you!" And at the end of his talk he points to a woman in the front row of the audience and tells everyone that just one year ago, she was 4,500 pounds overweight with a credit score of negative 2 billion and now she's a size four and owns her own ten million dollar Pilates business! "Do you have anything to add?" he asks her, motioning to one of his assistants to hand her a microphone. "Giant killer crocodile changed my life!" the woman answers with tears of joy.


Alpha Dog (true crime, rated R, written/directed by Nick Cassavetes)

Yeah, so I really don't know anything about that Jesse James Hollywood guy. But a quick trip to Wikipedia should take care of that, so please excuse me for just a moment. Okay, I'm back. I'm actually going to go ahead and not read that Wikipedia entry, because before I even got to the text of it, Wikipedia was already warning me that the article "may be confusing or unclear for some readers," "appears to contradict itself," and "does not cite its references or sources." That's what I like about Wikipedia, though. They're upfront about their faults. I wish everyone was. Just once I'd like to hear a State of the Union address begin, "My fellow Americans, I have no evidence to back up any of this, and frankly I really have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about." But, um... tangent! This movie has such a huge cast that I could spend about six years talking about all of them, plus it's directed by the guy responsible for The Notebook (yeah, I know, OMG! and *SWOON* and everything, but it really wasn't that big of a coup for him to get Gena Rowlands in the film because, you know, SHE'S HIS MOTHER), but I think instead I'll focus specifically on one Justin Timberlake, He Who Shalt Retrieveth Sexy From Whence It Dwells, and admit that based on everything I've heard, he displays some genuine acting talent in the film. Not that his amazing puppet-dancing abilities in that one video wouldn't have enabled you to predict that, but you know, I just thought I'd mention it. On the plus side, no need to bother watching the 2008 Oscars, because if the sky turns red and the Throne of Satan rises up through the ground to rule over us all, then you'll know JT just won Best Actor.



Stomp the Yard (drama/musical, rated PG-13, directed by Sylvain White, written by Robert Adetuyi and Gregory Ramon Anderson)

I guess this is supposed to be about a lot of college kids doing competitive street dancing, but the title sounds like either a football movie or an odd acoustic choice by that group of guys who turn trash cans into instruments (as in, "Stomp: The Yard!"). It stars Meagan Good, a veteran of other angry dance-off flicks like Roll Bounce and You Got Served as well as last year's most debated Pop Whore film of the year: the mostly dance-less Brick. Going by the poster, it appears to takes place at Truth University, which some quick Googling revealed to be fictional unless you're talking about this place, which I imagine tends to discourage the idea of settling arguments through krumping.