Snap Judgment: 'Nique, -Ya, and... Spade

So tell me, genie of the IMDB lamp, just how craptacular is this weekend's selection?


The Benchwarmers (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Dennis Dugan, written by Allen Covert & Nick Swardson)

This film makes the following incorrect assumptions.

1. Baseball is funny.
2. Rob Schneider and/or David Spade is/are funny.
3. 12 year-old kids spouting PG13-appropriate profanities are funny.
4. Jon Heder's years of experience playing mildly retarded characters isn't enough to be trusted; he needs to be in an actual helmet for us to understand that he's mildly retarded.
5. Adam Sandler is just as good at producing funny movies as he is at acting in them.

Oh wait, #5 is actually correct.



Phat Girlz (comedy, rated PG-13, written/directed by Nnegest Likké)

Fox Searchlight Exec: So Mo'Nique, we're really excited to be working with you. What do you have for us? What's your idea?

Mo'Nique: Well, I've spent the last several months working with Oscar-winning screenwriter William Goldman on a multi-generational saga about the lives of blacks and whites in the Deep South during Reconstruction. It's ultimately a redemptive tale, yet it never shies away from the harsh realities. We've already got Charles Dutton and John C. Reilly attached to play the two patriarchs. I'm still choosing my role.

Fox Searchlight Exec: Sounds great. But what do you say we put that one aside for a little while? Because I don't want to oversell it, but we've got a script right here that's about ten times better.

(Hands Mo'Nique the Phat Girlz script)

Mo'Nique: Holy shit, you're right. It's about me being fat! But spelled differently!

Fox Searchlight Exec: And just wait until you see our idea for the poster.



Lucky Number Slevin (drama/thriller, rated R, directed by Paul McGuigan, written by Jason Smilovic)

So a few years ago, Paul McGuigan directed Josh Hartnett in this movie Wicker Park, with Toronto subbing in for Chicago and a bad script subbing in for a good one. (Matt Lillard appeared in it too, but he was really in a different movie, more along the lines of Saving Silverman, and therefore managed to avoid getting too much stink on him.) Josh might well have worried that sticking with this director could tank his career; nobody likes to be typecast as "actor in bad movie" (okay, nobody except Claire Forlani), and yet a couple years later he came running back with every notable actor under the sun willing to join him. Paul McGuigan is totally the new Scientology.



Take the Lead (drama, rated PG-13, directed by Liz Friedlander, written by Dianne Houston)

Oh, shit. You mean that's a movie? I thought there was a new iPod out.