Snap Judgment: Slash & Grab

Bring it, IMDB...


Inside Man (crime/suspense, rated R, directed by Spike Lee, written by Russell Gewirtz)

It appears Spike Lee has finally shaken off the last few droplets of that indie credibility in which he used to be drenched. Not that that's completely a bad thing, because this movie looks pretty cool and I'm liking the cast, but I'm just saying. I wonder if someday his nemesis will emerge -- the anti-Spike Lee; i.e., a guy who starts off making soulless big budget flicks and eventually works his way down the scale to grainy Sundance-beloved black & white stuff. Hmm... what if it turns out to be Brett Ratner? (Hey, stranger things have happened. Even if I can't think of any right now.)


Stay Alive (horror, rated PG-13, directed by William Brent Bell, written by William Brent Bell & Matthew Peterman)

I can't say I'm surprised to see McG's production company attached to this. But I am surprised that the biggest current or former OC star he could get was Samaire Armstrong. I'm guessing there were a few disappointing phone calls before he settled on her.

[My Chemical Romance ringtone]

Rachel Bilson: Hello?

McG: Yo Bilson.

RB: Oy.

McG: What's up?

RB: If this is about putting that Wonder Woman costume back on...

McG: No, no, no. Hear me out. I got a movie. It's awesome. It's like this Wes Craven thing but in the digital age with, you know massively multiplayer online games and those suckers are like the new Super Mario Brothers and oh man, remember playing that game until like 3 AM with the giant Koopas in the 8th level and by the way you gotta see this new home theater setup I got in the house, it's 10 audio channels and the subwoofer is fuckin' boss.

RB: That wasn't a sentence. Or a complete thought.

McG: Diet Pepsi Cancun Hello Kitty hi-def plasma Sublime!

RB: I gotta go.

[Click.]


Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Trent Cooper, written by Jonathan Bernstein and James Greer)

This strikes me as the kind of script that was passed around for ages as "Untitled Gross-out Comedy To Star Whatever Lowbrow Comedian Has The Most Buzz" until the right "talent" was able to be attached. But I mean, how could it not be funny? I've never seen Larry the Cable Guy's routine, but I'm willing to bet he's irreverent! Really irreverent! No reverence whatsoever! He'll even make fun of the guy who fixes your car, that's how irreverent he is! He's so irreverent, they took away his last name! Dude, I'm sorry, I don't think I can finish this column today; I must see this movie right now.