Snap Judgment: Studio Memo To You: Wear Green, Then Spend It On Our Movies

Top o' the morning to the lot o' ye! As an ill-advised hunk of soda bread works its way through my innards, I shall click over to IMDB Now Playing and see what awaits us.


V for Vendetta (action/thriller, rated R, directed by James McTeigue, screenplay by the siblings Wachowski based on the comic book by Alan Moore)

After mining buckets of unintentional humor from such ostensibly serious elements as the stentorian voice of Laurence Fishburne and the death of Carrie-Anne Moss, the Wachowskis sensed our collective gun-shyness and sought out an unimpeachably likable heroine for their next outing. Luckily, some of the Matrix actors ran into Natalie Portman at their Survivors of Bad Sci-Fi Dialogue support group (held every Monday evening at the Hollywood United Methodist Church; decaf and donuts provided free of charge) and put in a good word for her with the producers. All cringeworthy speechifying aside, though, those of us who fondly remember Natalie learning sniper skills from Jean Reno way back when will probably enjoy seeing her employ those skills at her current, much less creepy age. Plus, the dude who played oppressed rebel Winston in the film version of 1984 plays the oppressive 1984-esque dictator this time! Irony, y'all! Irony and fancy knife-throwing!

She's the Man (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Andy Fickman, written by Ewan Leslie, Karen McCullah Lutz, and Kirsten Smith)

Don't blame Amanda Bynes for this. These days, everyone knows that you have to play a girl-pretending-to-be-a-boy if you want that coveted Teen Choice Award. Then, to remind everyone that that was only acting, you show up to the ceremony in your cutest feminine ensemble of cork clogs, vintage sequined CBGB t-shirt, and low-rider denim skirt (but not too low-rider, because any muffin-topping will result in Michelle Trachtenberg replacing you for the sequel). Also, no matter what Lohan tells you in the bathroom, those are not real Pixie Sticks, so just say no.

Find Me Guilty (comedy/drama, rated R, directed by Sidney Lumet, written by Lumet, TJ Mancini, and Robert McCrea)

"A man who is his own attorney has a fool for a client." -- Anonymous

"Especially when it's Vin Diesel." -- Nick