Snap Judgment: A Tale of Cops, Swords, and Fins

It's the beginning of March, so out with the horrible and in with the mediocre... hit it, IMDB Now Playing!



Ultraviolet (fantasy/action, rated PG-13, written/directed by Kurt Wimmer)

Here's how this one happened. Milla Jovovich is taking a little break from all her usual action stuff (Fifth Element, Resident Evil, etc.). One night, while throwing darts at the Luc Besson photo on the wall, she flips on HBO and sees Underworld. "Oh hey," she says to herself, "it's that movie with all the leather and blue lighting, and one of those WB guys. Might as well check it out." Lo and behold, it's Kate Beckinsale being Milla Jovovich! This will not stand. She gets Kate on the phone. "Listen," she says. "I was Milla Jovovich being Milla Jovovich back when you were just Kate Beckinsale being Kate Beckinsale! Leave the Milla Jovovich-being to me, and get back to your charming little chick flicks!" And she hangs up the phone. Kate is fuming. She goes to the bedroom and wakes up her director-husband. "Call the producers and tell them we're doing Underworld 2," she says. "But no one's asked us to--" "Shut it! Sequel! Now!" Calls are made, palms are greased, and Underworld: Evolution is greenlit. Well, that's the last straw for Milla. She visits her agent's office, paws through a stack of bad scripts, and finds just the right one: a futuristic fantasy action movie with swords and a supernatural heroine. A knockoff of Underworld! She gets to be Milla being Kate being Milla!

Game, set, and match.

Aquamarine (comedy, rated PG, directed by Elizabeth Allen, written by John Quaintance and Jessica Bendinger, based on the novel by Alice Hoffman)

Two girls interrupt their text message discussion (topic: the relative crushability of Jesse McCartney vs. Chad Michael Murray) long enough to discover a mermaid in the pool. Some important life lessons will be taught, but things are going to get awkward when they try to bring her into the whole jeans-sharing thing. And just wait until the mermaid sets up her MySpace and posts the MP3 that was, like, totally the girls' private BFF song. Dra-ma!

By the way... JoJo? That flies for a name these days?

16 Blocks (thriller, rated R, directed by Richard Donner, written by Richard Wenk)

I have no doubt that Richard "Goonies, Lethal Weapon, and Superman, bitches!" Donner can make an interesting movie out of Bruce Willis driving Mos Def across Manhattan. He just needs to keep away his evil twins, Richard "Sure, why not do Lethal Weapon 3 and 4?" Donner and Richard "You know who would make an awesome team? Stallone and Banderas!" Donner. And if the pivotal dramatic sequence involves a heartbreaking choice between Google Maps and Mapquest, then I might have to check out. Otherwise, looks good.


Dave Chappelle's Block Party (documentary/concert film, rated R, directed by Michel Gondry)

Not much I can say about this, except that I wonder if Erykah Badu's ginormous afro wig was meant as a commentary on either the size of Chappelle's Comedy Central deal and/or ego.