Snap Judgment: Special Idiot Box Edition

Avoiding the movie theaters isn't enough. Thanks to vertical integration, conglomeration, oligarchization, and other made-up (but perfectly cromulent) words, the very same Hollywood studios that are trying to turn your brain to soy with their so-called feature films now have the power to target you at home. You thought you were safe as long as you stayed on your comfy yet affordable Ektorp sofa from Ikea? Think again.

In the interest of fairness, equal time, and so forth, we'll give each network a shot at impressing us. First up...


Conviction (NBC, legal drama, created by Dick Wolf)

Do you like Law & Order? Obviously you do, because it's launched as many spinoffs as Dick Wolf has extra pockets to hold his checks. Conviction is a spinoff of one of the spinoffs, since it stars Stephanie March of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (which, let's face it, they should just be frank and call "Law & Order: Semen Found In Skull Cavity"), reprising her role as Assistant DA Alexandra Cabot. It also features Eric Balfour, or "Hey! It's That Disaffected Youth!" (even though Fametracker hasn't officially crowned him as such), and many others in its "hot, young cast." (Yes, that's the exact phrasing NBC uses. I kid you not.) Because this isn't just one hot, young D.A. in the midst of a bunch of cops. No, this is a whole team of hot, young D.As. Will they solve hot, edgy crimes? Will they butt heads with older, more "experienced" crimesolvers who dismiss them as amateurs? Will they hook up with one another as often as a 10PM timeslot and TV-14 rating will allow them? Well, if you want to know the answers you'll just have to wait until March 3rd... except, not really. You can download the whole pilot episode for free from the iTunes Music Store right now. And I'm sure you will.


The Evidence (ABC, criminal procedural, created by Sam Baum and Dustin Thomason)

Have you seen the commercial for this? Here's the deal. A crime is committed. They show you all the evidence at the beginning. Then you get to solve the case along with the detectives! One of them is Orlando Jones! (And I totally just typed "Orlando Bloom" there and didn't notice for at least a minute.) Well, call me a whiner if you must, but if I'm going to watch a procedural show, I'd prefer to just sit back on the aforementioned Ektorp, watch the good-looking people on the screen do their well-photographed magic, and limit my personal involvement in the goings-on to maybe consuming a Guinness. What's next, a new version of Gilmore Girls where I'm supposed to solve Rory's school/relationship problems? I'm sorry, but this kind of thing just doesn't work for me and not even the guy who put the 7-Up machine in the middle of the freeway is going to talk me out of it.


The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, comedy, created by Kari Lizer)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus once again tries her best to reverse the Seinfeld curse. My guess? She won't. Not with that #1 Mom mug. And CBS, trying to stay ahead of the early-cancellation game, will pull the plug about 47 seconds into the show, while the first blast of digitized laughter is still echoing on the soundtrack. Fair enough. It doesn't sound that good. Sorry, Julia. Why don't you take your own advice from that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and do a cable show so you can say "fuck"? I think that would be a lot better.

The Loop (Fox, comedy, created by Pam Brady and Will Gluck)

Holy crap, Fox caught Philip Baker Hall in their deadly Philip Baker Hall trap! Chew your paw off, Philip! Don't let them take you alive! They've got Mimi Rogers and the kid who played Seth Cohen's annoyingly unfunny rival! Seriously, get the hell out of there before one of them converts you to Scientology and the other one chews you up with the scenery!


Survival of the Richest (The WB, reality)

So... it's like Beauty and the Geek. Except instead of hot/nerdy, it's rich/poor. The poor kids have a chance to get out of debt and advance to a better standard of living. The rich kids have a chance to be on TV and have millions of people know how rich they are.* I have a chance to watch other shows. Everyone's a winner!

*Will they use last names? Are any of them worried about being kidnapped by Columbian drug lords? Just wondering.


Black.White. (FX, reality)

Ah, what a ripe opportunity for a commentary on the state of race relations in America. Or to humiliate a couple of otherwise well-meaning families. Or maybe both? I guess we'll see. I do know that Ice Cube produced a new single and music video "inspired by" the show. Isn't that great? He creates a reality show, then heads to the lab to spin some dope beats. That's pretty much what we do at Pop Whore too. Except, you know, our beats are more on the sarcastic tip. That doesn't make them any less dope, though. Right? Right? Can I go to bed now?