Snap Judgment: Post-Oscar Letdown

The Oscars are over, so let the Oscar race begin! Except, not quite, since (probability-wise) we still have a good 7-8 months before any of next year's Best Picture contenders are released to theaters. But I'm sure this weekend's selection will prove me wrong! Right? Right? Ugh. Let's see.


The Hills Have Eyes (horror/remake, rated R, directed by Alexandre Aja, written by Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur)

It's been decades since people started grumbling about the Japanese being ahead of us, but really nothing's changed. Their cars are way more fuel efficient, their internet access is faster and cheaper, and good freaking LORD do they kick our asses at Dance Dance Revolution. To determine the root of the problem, I think we need to examine the slight difference between this movie and the Japanese classic Godzilla. Because only then will we see that in Japan, nuclear radiation produces a giant kick-ass firebreathing lizard, whereas in America, the same radiation produces a bunch of crazy deformed hillbillies. Does this have anything to do with why their cell phones are so much cooler than ours? I say: maybe.

And by the way: what's with the tagline? "The Lucky Ones Die First." Are they purposefully setting themselves up for the obvious "the ones in the movie, or the ones in the audience?" joke, or what?


Failure to Launch (romantic comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Tom Dey, written by Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember)

At its core, this is a heartbreaking tale of two lost souls who must find redemption in one another. Carrie Bradshaw, once a fabulously trendy Manhattan sex columnist, was forced to leave her beloved city when even all the money in Mr. Big's bank account couldn't buy enough room for all her shoes. Now she's trying to start a new life in Maryland as, well, a slacker-kicker-outer (probably what it says on her business card). Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey is stuck at his parents' house in a bottomless pit of depression, having to accept the fact that his days of being paired up with a love interest ten years his junior are behind him and with them, the freedom to play naked bongos whenever he feels like it. Can these two discover mutual salvation, with the help of the acclaimed director of "Shanghai Noon"?


The Libertine (historical drama, rated R, directed by Laurence Dunmore, written by Stephen Jeffreys)

No, it's not the Pete Doherty biopic we've all been waiting for, with Mary-Kate Olsen playing Kate Moss and dozens of smashed-up cars and hotel rooms playing themselves. (Yes, I'm bummed too.) Rather, it's a 17th century English biopic complete with wigs and probably at least 50% actual British actors. In other words, the kind of movie that the entire Chinese army couldn't keep John Malkovich away from. Yep, there he is! I bet his accent rocks.

The Shaggy Dog (comedy, rated PG, directed by Brian Robbins, written by more people than I feel like listing)

DISNEY EXEC: I've got 27 seconds before I have to meet Bruckheimer at the Ivy. Let's hear the upshot.

WRITERS/PRODUCERS: Dude turns into a dog.

DISNEY EXEC: I think we've already done that.

WRITERS/PRODUCERS: He pees on more stuff this time.

DISNEY EXEC: We'll take it.