Snap Judgment: sandals, vampires, and voice lessons

Is it already that time again? Tempus fugit, my friends (that's Latin for "go look it up").

To the IMDB Now Playing, Robin!



Transamerica (drama with carefully grafted-on comedy parts, rated R, written and directed by Duncan Tucker)

Ah, Felicity Huffman. Every D*sper**e H**sew*ves watcher swears they've loved you forever even though they really had no idea who you were before September 2004. Unless they watched Sports Night, and believe me, they didn't... because there's about as much crossover viewership between those two shows as there is between The L Word and The 700 Club. Now you're doing one of those movies where every single article and interview is about how hard you worked to get into this character and who you talked to and so on and so forth. I haven't, however, heard anything about the movie itself actually being good. If I do, I'll let you (and everyone else) know.


Underworld: Evolution (blue-filtered guns and vampires, rated R, directed by Len Wiseman, written by Len Wiseman and Danny McBride)

See, there's this war between vampires and werewolves. A war so great that its complete story could not be told with just one movie and Kate Beckinsale's natural breasts. Thus it was that the filmmakers implanted this sequel in our collective consciousness, because we were dying to know how far into the [artistic] underworld a once-decent British actress would descend in the neverending quest for a percentage of non-existent box office returns. The canary she brought with her died long ago, so at this point we're a little worried. By the time she comes to her senses and climbs back out, the franchise will probably be over, having made way for Dakota Fanning to hunt/fall in love with brooding, misunderstood abominable snowmen.


The New World (pretty historical epic, rated PG-13, written and directed by Terrence Malick)

Okay, I do like Terrence Malick's earlier stuff. (Which, with the exception of The Thin Red Line, is his only stuff.) And I've been eagerly following the career of Q'Orianka Kilcher, because who hasn't? And the trailers make this look really pretty; if you wanted to make a drinking game out of how many of today's newspaper reviews use the word "haunting," I'm sure you'd be getting your stomach pumped by 4 AM. Nonetheless, I think there's a strong chance it'll also be long and boring. It's the kind of movie a lot of people will go to see so they can say they saw it. The kind where, if you're a film criticism expert and a huge fan of Malick but you hate it, you'll write a book someday where you call it "frustrating, but impossible to dismiss." I, however, am voting on dismissing it for now, at least until I'm really bored on a Sunday or feel like throwing it into my Netflix queue.


End of the Spear (no idea, rated PG-13, directed by Jim Hanon, written by Jim Hanon, Bart Gavigan, Bill Ewing)

Don't ask me. Seriously. The main character's name is Mincayani, and he's a Waorani tribesman. That's as far as I'm getting with this one.


Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World (comedy, rated PG-13, written and directed by Albert Brooks)

My best guess would be that looking for comedy in this movie is similar to the quest named in its title: it's there, but you have to wade through a lot of other stuff to get to it.