Snap Judgment - Friday the 13th

Another week, another few movies to keep you away from. Shall we get right into it?

Tristan & Isolde (historical drama/romance, rated PG-13, directed by Kevin Reynolds, written by Dean Georgaris)

Synopsis: A thousand or so years ago, when pretty much all romance was forbidden but especially those between knights and future queens, a knight and a future queen had a forbidden romance. (From the official synopsis: "But the more they deny their passion, the more fiercely it burns." Yeah, passion is like hemorrhoids that way.)

Snap judgment: Okay, so Kevin Reynolds can direct some decent-looking movies wherein at least one person is likely to get hit by an arrow (Robin Hood, The Count of Monte Cristo). But a whole movie about James Franco and Sophia (um, who?) Myles sneaking out for midnight kisses? I mean, if Keira Knightley played the queen, there'd at least be the off chance that I'd watch the movie if I passed out and woke up in a theater where it was playing. And if Keira Knightley played the queen and Evan Rachel Wood played the knight, I'd be too busy buying tickets online to write this. As it stands, though, I'm going to assume that the fact I hadn't heard of this movie before yesterday has something to do with how good the studio thinks it is.

Glory Road (uplifting sports movie, rated PG, directed by James Gartner, written by Chris Cleveland)

Synopsis: In 1966, Coach Don Haskins at Texas Western made history (apparently) by starting the first all-black college basketball team and then (spoiler alert!) leading them to the NCAA championship. Jerry Bruckheimer produced this, by the way. He also did Flashdance.

Snap judgment: This is one of those movies the studio can just market anywhere. If you're a sports fan, there are (presumably) lots of exciting sports scenes. If you're a Josh Lucas fan, he's the star! If you're white and bigoted, it's a movie about how blacks could never succeed without your help and specific instructions. And if you're a white bigoted Josh Lucas-obsessed sports fan, get your ass to the theater!

On the other hand, if you're not that big a fan of Josh Lucas, sports, or prejudice; or of seeing a lot of lush re-enactments of basketball games to which you already know the outcome; or of heavy-handed racial messages that might have been somewhat radical in, say, 1790; then you're invited to my place to watch some Netflix. Bring your own chair.

Last Holiday (semi-bittersweet comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Wayne Wang, written by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman)

Synopsis: Queen Latifah is uptight. Then she finds out she has only a few weeks/months to live, so she takes a wacky European vacation (minus Chevy Chase, plus LL Cool J).

Snap judgment: Saw the trailer. I think she ends up falling down a lot, because that's comedy gold. But what do I know? Wayne Wang is the visionary director behind such edgy works as Chinese Box, Center of the World, and the most controversial one of all, Maid in Manhattan. This is based on a movie from 1950, where Alec Guinness played Queen Latifah's role. Which leads to the question, how well can the Queen portray a British agricultural salesman? I bet she'll kick ass on the accent.

April's Shower (limited-release, comedy, rated R, written and directed by Trish Doolan)

Synopsis: Didn't know about this one until this morning. Here's what IMDB says: "The intimate secret between April (Cina) and Alex (Doolan) comes out when Alex hosts April's wedding shower."

Snap judgment: Hmm. Eti and I may need to research this a little more and get back to you.