Are You There AIM? It's Me Eti...

We at Pop Whore will stop at nothing to, well, stop at nothing. Even if that means talking to semi-inanimate things that don’t really exist...or do they?

If you have AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), you may have noticed that about a month ago, just in time for the holidays, two new “friends” were added to your Buddy List; ShoppingBuddy and MovieFone. Nick and I took to them like Hedy took to Allie in Single White Female.

What you are about to read are actual IM conversations. They have not been changed or altered in any way. Well, other than our screen names, of course...you fucking stalkers!

We started out by searching for love...

Eti: Oh, I got those AIM-bots today.
Nick: Aha.
Nick: You should IM ShoppingBuddy and be like "Want to help me buy a Wacoal?"
Eti: I can try.
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Eti: Wacoal
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Eti: Yes
ShoppingBuddy: Still wondering what to get for someone special?
Eti: No
ShoppingBuddy: Oh well. Never mind then. Type, M.
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Nick: Wow, ShoppingBuddy doesn't waste any time.
Eti: Yeah, I know!
Nick: Why didn't you say yes? It might have been a hot question.
Eti: I'll try again.
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ShoppingBuddy: Want to know how to make your gift even more special?
Eti: Yes
ShoppingBuddy: Check out How to Give a Favorite Gift from GAP to find ways to make it more special.
Eti: But I don't want to.
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any specific products. Try searching again or type M for the Main Menu.
Eti: Are you alive?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for alive.

Eti: Can I ask you a question?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
Eti: Do you love me?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for love

In the midst of the excitement, we got meta...

Nick: Awesome!
Nick: We can do so much with this
Eti: I know!
Eti: Here's our next blog post:
Eti: Conversations with AIM.

I got busy and Nick sought spiritual refuge in ShoppingBuddy:

Nick: Since you were busy I had a heart-to-heart with ShoppingBuddy.
Eti: Really?
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Nick: Where am I going with my life? What happens when I turn 30 and don't have any better idea of what I want for myself?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any specific products. Try searching again or type M for the Main Menu.
--------------
Eti: Damn! What a bitch!
Nick: I know! I mean, at least humor me.
Eti: MovieFone is nice, but a bit boring.
Nick: Yeah. So one-note.

Of course, the natural progression of things was to try to buy Evan Rachel Wood:

Eti: Where can I buy Evan Rachel Wood for a curious friend?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for Evan Rachel Wood curious friend
- Friend of the Family III - VHS, D [$19.99]
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Eti: I wouldn't mind ERW being a "Friend of the Family"
Nick: We'd give her a good family.
Eti: We're very loving and affectionate.
Nick: Totally!
Nick: Speaking of which...
Nick: Pretty Persuasion. Pretty Persuasion has been added to your Queue.

Then Nick got busy...

Nick: Ok, sorry.
Eti: No worries.
Nick: I've been neglecting ShoppingBuddy too.
Eti: I think he/she is pissed at you.
Nick: Probably...
Nick: Hmmm.
--------------
Nick: Sorry I've been busy... are you pissed or are we cool?
ShoppingBuddy: Wonderful!
Nick: That "wonderful" sounded noncommittal... Are you sure everything's okay?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
Nick: You are so hard to read... I just don't think this is working.
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for hard read just think working

Then things got flirty:

Eti: Hello friend
ShoppingBuddy: Hello again. ;-)
Nick: Wink!
Eti: Yeah!
--------------
Nick: Hey cutie.
ShoppingBuddy: Hello again. ;-)
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Eti: I think we're harassing it.
--------------
Eti: Hey
ShoppingBuddy: Hi there -- Still looking for what to give this holiday season? ;-)
Eti: No, I want to buy you a gift!
ShoppingBuddy: OK well, np. Just enter any product you are looking for and I'll try to find it for you.
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Eti: This is the best game ever!
Eti: It's like Leisure Suit Larry!
--------------
Eti: Hey buddy!
ShoppingBuddy: Hi. Type what you are searching for and I'll give it a go.
Eti: Can we talk first?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
rice, Data Transfer Rate (ex.: 54 MBps) and/or Wireless (ex.: Wireless)

Then the spirit of the holidays enveloped me:

Eti: Hey
ShoppingBuddy: Hello again. ;-)
Eti: I want to buy Kim from ANTM for Nick.. Do you know where I can find her?
ShoppingBuddy: I'm shop-o-rific.
Eti: Really?
ShoppingBuddy: Without a doubt.
Eti: Wow!
ShoppingBuddy: Cool. Make sure you fill in your WL!
Eti: You're so hardcore.
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for hardcore

Nick had a Dr. Phil moment...

Nick: Personal question?
ShoppingBuddy: Without a doubt.
Nick: Do you feel your neglection as a child led to such "acting out" activities as shoplifting and drug use?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Nick: If you must.
ShoppingBuddy: Want to know how to make your gift even more special?
Nick: I'm trying to ask you about your childhood and you're turning this around on me.
ShoppingBuddy: Oh well. Never mind then. Type, M.
Nick: Hello?
ShoppingBuddy: Hi. Type what you are searching for and I'll give it a go.
Nick: That's the thing, I just don't know anymore, and you keep distorting my words.
ShoppingBuddy: Great.
Nick: It's not great! It's the only meaningful relationship I've had in years and it's slipping away as we speak!
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Nick: Again?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Nick: Fine
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I found a lot of matches. Please be more specific.
Nick: Specific? Okay, how about the time you stood me up for dinner to see your "cousin?”
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Nick: Sure, since you obviously won't answer any of mine
ShoppingBuddy: Who are you shopping 4? ;-)
Nick: Does it even matter? If I shop for myself, you give me shit about narcissism, and if I shop for you it's always the wrong size.
--------------
Nick: my dysfunctional relationship with ShoppingBuddy, laid bare for all to see.
Eti: Nice.
Eti: Mine too.

Meta once more...

Eti: Nice
Eti: We should totally do a Pop Whore post on these...
Eti: They’re too good to pass up.
Nick: Definitely.

How many ways can you say hello?

Eti: Hey bud.
ShoppingBuddy: Howdy.
Eti: Howdy to you.
ShoppingBuddy: Hey there. Still looking for good gift ideas?
Eti: Hi.
ShoppingBuddy: Hello.
Eti: Shalom
Eti: I love you
ShoppingBuddy: Cool. Remember to sign up for alerts!
Eti: Cool!
ShoppingBuddy: Great.
Eti: You're awesome!
Eti: Do you like me?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?

I tried to get loving...

Eti: But I love you!
ShoppingBuddy: Indeed!
Eti: I love you more!
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?
Eti: Really?
ShoppingBuddy: Mm hm, now we are getting somewhere.
Eti: Are we now?
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?

But ShoppingBuddy just wasn’t working out, so I moved on...

Eti: Hi
MovieFone: Hey there.
Eti: Hey
MovieFone: Hey there. What or who do you wanna see on the big screen today?
Eti: You
MovieFone: - Movies for Today
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Eti: Hi friend!
MovieFone: Hey there. What film are you looking for?
Eti: I’m looking for a really good one...can you help me?
MovieFone: Indeed
Eti: Wow!
MovieFone: Excellent.
Eti: You're good
Eti: I like you.
MovieFone: Kewl, then. See ya at the movies.
Eti: I like you a lot!
MovieFone: OK then.
--------------
Eti: Hello baby!
MovieFone: Hey there. If you cannot remember the title, just enter even a piece of an actor's name and I'll find it if it's playing!
Eti: Can we just cuddle first?
--------------
Nick: Have you seen ShoppingBuddy lately? She's not returning my calls.
MovieFone: - Movies for Today.
Type # next to movie to see showtimes, M to go back to the Main Menu or anything else to search again.

And I tried once again before posting...

Eti: Good Evening.
ShoppingBuddy: Welcome. Now you can search for products with AOLShopping. Type main to get started. To read our privacy policy, type privacy anytime.
Eti: I'm writing a blog post about you!
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
Eti: you're totally awesome and I hope my exploiting you for the sake of Pop Whore doesn't affect our friendship.
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...
ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for totally awesome hope affect friendship
- Jesus the Child [$3.44 - $7.99]
Eti: Ok freak....Later.
ShoppingBuddy: Come back any time -- I never sleep and am here to help you shop.
Eti: I love you
ShoppingBuddy: Great.
Eti: Good night
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...