Skating With Beautiful Disaster

Say what you will about the Fox network, but there are times when you just can’t deny the love. Sure, they’ve inanely copied a lot of shows like Wife Swap (Trading Spouses), The Contender (The Next Great Champ) and The Apprentice (The Rebel Billionaire), but I really hope their latest plagiaristic attempt really sticks.

This time around, Fox has taken the ever so bland, but strangely popular and high rated testament to the American viewing public, “Dancing With the Stars,” and posed the question: How can we hurt and humiliate D-listed celebrities even more?

The answer, of course, is the upcoming “Skating With Celebrities” or as Nick aptly refers to it, “Dropping the Celebrities.”

The name pretty much speaks for itself, but if you’re really that hard up for a synopsis, here you go: You’ve got six pro skaters and six “celebrities.” They get coupled off and under the tutelage of the pros, are trained to compete for the figure skating competition finale. Voila.

So without further ado, let’s take a look at our competitors this year...

Dave “I’m the reason for Jagged Little Pill” Coulier and Nancy “Why Me?” Kerrigan

Bruce “Face Lift” Jenner and Tai Babilonia

Todd “Willis Is Totally On Drugs” Bridges and Jenni Meno

Kristy “What’s Your Sitch?” Swanson and Lloyd Eisler

Deborah “Electric Youth” Gibson and Kurt Browning.

Jillian “Dear God, just make her STFU already” Barberie and John Zimmerman.

Now, I really like Kurt Browning and I must give Debbie “Deborah” Gibson props for making a cameo and singing “Lost In Your Eyes” with Rilo Kiley back in June at the Wiltern (still regarded by Nick and I as one of the best shows we’ve ever seen.). However, I’m going to have to put my money on Kristy Swanson strictly for her awesomely quotable contribution to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” playing the original “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” (without which there would never have been a TV show to speak of and thus no groundwork for “Veronica Mars”), and of course, her fine, fine performance as the hotly incestuous Cathy Dollanganger in the film adaptation of “Flowers In the Attic.”


And despite entertaining many grandiose visions of Dave Coulier getting fed up with that stupid brat Nancy Kerrigan and taking out both her knees with a hockey stick, mostly I just want to see Jillian Barberie get dropped.

Hard.


Then again, I'd really like to see both.

Mind you, if this show proves to be even somewhat successful, it’s only a matter of time before Fox gives us Netless Tightrope Walking With Celebrities, Chainsaw Juggling With Celebrities, The World’s Deadliest Swarms #38 With Celebrities and Motorcycle Jumping the Grand Canyon With Celebrities.

For the record, that obnoxiously nauseating "Why Me" picture is incredibly hard to find on the net. So just for kicks, here's a recent picture of Tonya Harding: