Julie & Julia & Martha & SHUT UP!

So we at Pop Whore know these girls, who really everyone should know, because seriously, never a dull moment. Don't worry kids, you'll get to know them soon enough. Anyway, we've done our best to corrupt them pop culture-wise, and they've returned the favor by exposing us to all kinds of crazy food and cooking and celebrity cheeses. They even have their own podcast now, recorded on Saturday, which Nick will put up when he gets off his ass. It's called Girl on Girl Cooking, and I know you're already thinking "I'm so there" based on the title, but seriously, you'll get at least as many creative food ideas from it as you do dirty thoughts. One half of the duo has been following Julie Powell of Julie and Julia : 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen fame since her pre-book blogging days. Yeah, we didn't know her either up until two weeks ago.

Imagine our delight when Julie crossed over into Martha (yes, that Martha) territory a few days ago. I'm not sure why Julie agreed to go on Martha's new show or why her publicist thought it would be a good idea, but the results were pretty disastrous in a Martha is an evil whore who will eat your children sort of way. Hate to say I told you so. Anyway, the following is an exact transcript of the proceedings. Or at least as best as we recollect it.

Martha: Hi, Julie, and welcome to my show.

Julie: Thanks.

Martha: And just so we're clear, by "my show," I mean in the sense of, not your show.

Julie: Okay. Got it. Glad to be here.

Martha: Because if you had a show, not only would it probably suck, but I'd kill you in the ratings, and I mean kill you in the sense of rip out your internal organs and make a lovely souffle with them.

Julie: Understood. Can I talk about my book?

(Martha spews fire)

Martha: I suppose.

Julie: So I did this little project where I spent an entire year cooking every single recipe in Mastering the Art of French Cooking, beginning with--

Martha: Done it.

Julie: I'm sorry?

Martha: What you said. The cooking everything in the book thing. I did that ages ago. Did I think it was worth writing a book about? No. I was too busy developing an empire, becoming one of the richest people in the world, and so forth. But seriously, I think it's really great that you wrote a little book about it. I'm sure you'll make, well, easily a few hundred grand off it. And you probably got to fly first-class. How nice for you. Please, continue.

Julie: Okay, I've been backstage for the last 45 minutes making the preparations for this beef dish as a way of demonstrating one of the more challenging recipes in the book.

(Martha's eyes roll back and her head spins violently)

Martha: I could see how you'd be challenged by that. I bet a lot of things about you are "challenged." If you catch my drift.

Julie: Anyway, you can see how I've chopped the onions pretty coarsely--

Martha: Because I meant "challenged" in a short bus way.

Julie: Fine. Got it. The oven's already preheated to--

Martha: Incidentally, my urge to vomit explosively at the mere sight of your attempt to cook is growing exponentially. Just so you're aware. Like, there could be chunks and stuff.

Julie: Carrots and onions are really a staple of French cooking, and what they do in this dish is add a seasoning kind of like--

Martha: I'm sorry. I just puked a little in my mouth. Then I swallowed it. I'm really doing my best to keep it in check, but you've got to understand that this is MY KITCHEN you're sullying with your dirty Brooklyn housewife hands. I think this would be a really good time to show a clip of me with Julia Child, to remind our viewers that I've met the woman and you never will, on account of her being dead and all. Plus I need to puke a lot more. Let's roll that clip.

(cue old clip of Martha talking to Julia)

Julia Child: Martha, it's an honor being on your show. I've learned so much from you.

Martha: Oh, you're sweet. I wish I could say the same, but let's face it: you were hot shit back in the 50's when most women barely knew how to bake a potato, but these days you're just another pretentious bimbo with fancy collanders and a subscription to Gourmet. You've got your own table at Spago? Newsflash, grandma: SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE.

Julia: Your kitchen is just lovely.

(end clip)

Martha: And we're back.

Julie: So when I was making this dish for my husband the other night--

(Martha bites the head off a baby kitten)

Martha: I think we're out of time. How unfortunate. Let's have you back on again sometime. By which I mean, when hell freezes over and the skies rain blood. Now let's get to the part where you're as far out of my kitchen as possible and I'm hosing the whole place down with gasoline, tossing in a lit match (artisanal, of course -- I never use the commercial brands), and moving to an entirely new facility where I never, ever let in ditzy little bridge-and-tunnel bitches who think following a few recipes makes you the supreme fucking author-chef hyphenate.

Julie: Uhhhhhh, thanks.

* * *

Julie, we feel your pain. We haven't been able to get a word in edgewise with Martha in the past five years. On the plus side, we can use TiVo to pause her face on bizarre expressions. We'll show you one sometime. Until then, good job kind of trashing her on your blog.