Suffer The Children

As many of you know, an evening at the Sherman Oaks Galleria (formerly, or at least prior to the redevelopment, of Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Valley Girl fame) offers a vast (and terrifying) look at the youth of Los Angeles.

While attempting to eat dinner last Friday, I spent several hours trying not to throw up into my own mouth as I acerbically watched those little fuckers be as loud and obnoxious as they possibly could.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love children! They taste like chicken. But these kids were all, and I do mean all, decked out in stuff my laundry machine ate in the eighties. And I don’t think it was because they were inspired by the previous night’s premiere of “Reunion” either.

Yeah, we’re talking tight stonewashed jeans, Chuck Taylors, lacy skirts, neon polos with the collar up, ad nauseam, ad infinitum. Not that the whole Abercrombie & Fitch miniskirt and Uggs combo last year were a great trend set, but most of these kids were painfully off!

Jimmy said it best when he pointed to one girl and said, “she’s a sideways ponytail away from getting it right, but why the hell is she wearing flip flops?”

Hear ye’ little grommets of the nineties:

Do not attempt to recreate the eighties. It is something you know nothing about. That decade was ugly for a reason. Seriously. Everyone was on rock. (Yeah, even you, Whitney “crack cocaine is a ghetto drug” Houston!) You’ll never know what it’s like to legitimately rock the mullet, so don’t even try.

Seeing you prancing about in your off the shoulder sweaters and tight pants was like a slap in the face to all of us who suffered through the actual humiliation and now have entire photo albums that are so blindingly ugly, that they cannot be looked at sober.

Children, that’s holy ground you’re trying to walk on. It is a force more powerful than the heavens, and it will destroy you!

The eighties were ugly back then and they’re still fucking ugly now and until your generation can give us something better than the teeny bopper musical stylings of Hillary Duff and Aaron Carter to justify such displays of gaudiness, you shut up!

Why not bring back the roaring twenties? Who doesn’t want to don those flapper dresses and dance the Charleston?

Yeah, yeah, fine! Be quiet and go listen to our last podcast.