Morvern Callar

Heard of it? No? Here's the IMDB listing. Still nothing, eh? It's got Samantha Morton. You know? Samantha Morton? Cute bald chick in Minority Report who gets kidnapped by Tom Cruise so he can mess with her mind? No, not Kati-- yeah, I said bald chick. Except she's only bald in that one movie. Normally she has hair.

Anyway, I watched Morvern Callar over the weekend since I'd had it out from Netflix since about late July. (Yeah, I'm cancelling Netflix this month. Its spark kind of died down eventually.) Want to know what it's about? Are you going to see it? Of course not. You've never even heard of it. So here's what happens. Before the movie starts, Samantha's boyfriend kills himself by slitting his wrists. Then somehow he ends up face down on the living room floor next to the Christmas tree. Yeah, he left her a nice note on the computer explaining that it's not her fault and she shouldn't feel bad, but he wasn't quite considerate enough to do the deed in the bathtub. In the note, he mentions that there's some money in his bank account to pay for his funeral, and there's also a book manuscript on the computer that he wants her to try to get published for him. Following me so far?

In other movies, this little tableau might turn into a charming bittersweet tale about Samantha burying her tortured soul of a boyfriend, struggling to move on, taking comfort in her friends and family, and so forth. Like Garden State or Elizabethtown, something in that vein. Actually, mentioning Garden State is kind of helpful at this point. Because remember that first night when Zach Braff is home, and he goes to the party at Peter Sarsgaard's house and takes ecstasy and parties all night? And then remember how after doing that, he realizes that drugs and partying aren't going to take the place of living? Okay, let's pretend that epiphany never happens, and he just keeps partying and popping pills and having a great time. That's Morvern Callar. Except instead of Peter Sarsgaard's house, it's Spain. And instead of Peter Sarsgaard, it's this girl. (Yes, they look cute together, but this isn't Thirteen or Lost & Delirious or Mulholland Drive, so looking cute together is, unfortunately, the extent of it.)

Did I miss anything? Samantha also changes the name on her boyfriend's manuscript to her own, and the heads of a big publishing company fly out to Spain to offer her tons of money for it. The scene where she's sort of negotiating her fee with them, and pretending to be an actual writer, is the most you see her talk in the entire movie. Otherwise she's mostly dancing, flirting with random guys, taking more ecstasy, or staring quite meaningfully at the lighter her boyfriend gave her as a Christmas present. She also takes off her clothes fairly often, to have sex or take showers or baths and so forth, but this is a British movie and over there they show that kind of stuff during Teletubbies.

You know those movies where you're waiting for something to happen and nothing does? This isn't one of them. Because it's pretty obvious after the first five minutes that you'd be an idiot to expect anything whatsoever plot-wise. But if you're like me, you'll sit in front of it for the full 90 minutes just because you don't want to send an unwatched movie back to Netflix.