And another thing, UPN...

No, it wasn't enough for you to destroy Eti's best girl-crush of all time. Now you're trying to make inroads into the lucrative barefoot-in-public-bathrooms community by airing Hand-Held Slut Video Theater, or "Chaotic" for short.

I Tivo'd the show this week, I'm not proud to admit, hoping that it would at least provide some C-level entertainment. Turns out, no matter how low I set the bar, the Bride of Fed was never going to clear it. I got about halfway through the show -- and even that involved a great amount of fast-forwarding and 30-second-skipping -- before realizing that I could not, in fact, handle her truth. The top she was wearing in the interview segments couldn't handle her [pregnancy-enhanced] truth either, but that's nothing America hasn't seen before.

Asking people bizarre questions while videotaping them might work if you're James Spader in sex, lies, and videotape, but at least he knew not to randomly point the camera at himself and make giggly faces while Andie McDowell was describing her autoerotic experiences. Speaking of sex, I'd better mention Britney's quest to get the plain girl she hangs out with to boost her own self-esteem -- or, in her own words, her "assistant" -- laid. Since I didn't finish watching the show, I don't actually know the outcome (if, in fact, there was one). However, I'm going to take a wild stab and hypothesize that Britney was not really that committed to this noble endeavor, because if she were, she'd take the girl's hand and invite some guy to a threesome, and the deal would be sealed faster than a speeding bullet. But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, UPN, if I were you, I'd hang on to Veronica Mars from now until eternity. Because you're the broadcast network equivalent of the drunk trust-fund kid on spring break puking his guts out all over Senor Frog's, and that show is the black AmEx card in your pocket, the only thing keeping the jaded Mexican bartenders from throwing your ass out onto the mean streets of Cancun.