Sour Grapes

Oh, Kahlen. Cute, too fucking adorable, Kahlen. You were robbed.

After reading the recaps of America’s Next Top Model on Television Without Pity all last season, but never actually watching a single episode, my brain child this year was to start watching Cycle 4 because of the vast in-joke potential. But what started out as a joke, ended last night with me in front of the television, pacing back and forth, knees buckling and eventually throwing a grape so hard on my coffee table, that it splattered and I had to clean it up...in tears, no less.

I’m not one to watch reality shows, much less get emotional over them. But there I was, in a weepy haze, dumbfounded, not only by the fact that Naima won, but over the fact that pretty much the last shot they showed of Kahlen was her crying in the corner like something reminiscent of the Blair Witch Project. Booooooooooo. Kahlen was probably the most endearing reality show contestant yet. With her Hungry, Hungry Hippos references and those big eyes, she even made grape seed spitting cute...and kind of hot.

You know what, UPN? If it weren’t for the awesome awesomeness of Veronica Mars, you’d be dead in my eyes. I’d rip my shirt of you. STOP IT!!! BE QUIET!!! I HAVE NEVER YELLED AT A REALITY SHOW LIKE THIS!!! I WAS ROOTING FOR KAHLEN!!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR KAHLEN!!! HOW DARE YOU?!!

I remember when you were KCOP back in the eighties. And you used to show crappy movies all weekend long. And I'd watch them! Shitty commercials and all. But this is just unconscionably inexcusable.

All I have to say, is that if anyone other than Logan is standing at Veronica’s door next season, it’s war! Thanks to you, I now owe someone on Team Naima a drink and a mix CD.

But, fear not, Kahlen. You’re great and you’re going to surpass everyone, but not in that creepy Clay Aiken sort of way. And the best part? You’re not tied into a crappy soul-sucking contract with Tyra and it’s only a matter of time before you’re fiercely stomping on this stupid show as well. You’re the real winner anyway.

You can eat grapes out of my mouth any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Oh yeah, and I’m naming my first born after you. Seriously.