Snap Judgment: Special Cesar Chavez Day Edition

Yes, I'm celebrating another excellent commie farmer day, so let's get right to the dreck...

Basic Instinct 2 (thriller, rated R, directed by Michael Caton-Jones, written by Leora Barish & Henry Bean)

We've all known this was coming -- just like we know that someday, one or both of the Olsen twins will be on Inside the Actor's Studio, talking about the life lessons Eugene Levy taught them on the set of New York Minute and offering "dookie" as their favorite curse word. So, by comparison, this movie isn't all that disgusting, is it? Okay, fine, it still is. And therefore, I would like to helpfully note that if you want to see Sharon Stone embarrass the hell out of herself, you can go right here for something far more entertaining than anything you could pay $10 for.


Ice Age 2: The Meltdown (digital "hilarity", rated PG, directed by Carlos Saldanha, written by Peter Gaulke and Gerry Swallow)

Ooh! Another sequel! That I'm equally likely to be interested in! I did see the original Ice Age, but luckily for me I worked on the Fox lot at the time and didn't have to pay for it. As far as I can tell, the squirrel still just makes squawking noises in this one. Those bastard producers are hell-bent on keeping him from getting his SAG card, I guess. Meanwhile, the Pixar guys are sitting on a yacht somewhere, reading the newspapers and improvising a drinking game based on the number of times the phrases "not as good as Pixar," "sub-par version of Pixar," and "not fit to carry the urine samples of Pixar" appear in the reviews.



Slither (horror, rated R, written/directed by James Gunn)

Ah, so it's one of those deals where we're supposed to figure out the plot based on the poster. OK, I'll give it a shot. So, the hot chick in the bathtub rang up her Flesh-Eating Slug With Benefits over for a 2 AM booty call, except she TOTALLY didn't realize that she was still on the line with this OTHER flesh-eating slug that she met the other night at Skybar. And THAT flesh-eating slug got a little pissed off because he was all, "I thought you and I had a special person-to-flesh-eating-slug connection, and now you're scamming on some other dude while you're stringing me along and that shit ain't cool." So he drove around and picked up some friends, and they rolled on over to the chick's house and now some shit is about to GO DOWN. Feel me?



Brick (drama/thriller, rated R, written/directed by Rian Johnson)

Film noir junkie that I am, I have to break character and implore everyone to see this. I realize it [probably] doesn't have any digital squirrels or naked 45-year olds, and yes, it does have the dubious claim to fame of featuring two former child actors (Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lukas "Damn it, that was me in Witness, not Elijah Wood!" Haas). And it's a high school movie, but as far as I know, there isn't any paying-girls-to-date-you or betting-on-who-can-makeover-whom, nor the utilization of pies for untoward purposes. But still! Despite all that! It's going to rock. I promise.


ATL (drama, rated R, directed by Chris Robinson, written by Tina Gordon Chism and Antwone Fisher)

Gah! A coming of age story co-written by Antwone Fisher! That's right, the Antwone Fisher of Antwone Fisher! Where the hell are the flesh-eating slugs when you need them?

No, seriously, Yahoo. WTF?

You know that whole philosophical debate about whether yelling "Fire" in a crowded theater is okay under the doctrine of free speech?

I think we need to have a similar debate about this.



The issue is with Yahoo. (And, yeah, pretty much every other entertainment "news" site in the world, but this is a particularly shining example.) Because the line above seems to suggest there's a genuine possibility that the girl who singleboobedly kicked Tara Reid out of the celebrity cokewhore spotlight will actually be playing Wonder Woman in the upcoming film. This qualifies as an "Entertainment news" item in Yahoo's estimation.

Except, it's not news because it isn't true.

Okay, fine, it doesn't have to be true to be news. It could just be gossip.

Except, it's NOT EVEN GOSSIP.

If you click on the link, you'll see that the very first sentence is as follows:

Although no talks have even begun, Lindsay Lohan thinks playing the role of Wonder Woman in the upcoming feature would be "cool."

So, that's what they've got. Some moron with a tape recorder asked if she'd be willing to take 8 figures to romp around in a fetishized pair of boots, and she said "Sure, why not." That's it! That's the story. We now know that Lindsay has the same chance of playing Wonder Woman as any other girl (or guy, or woodland creature) within earshot of the question.

Thank God there's no worry about any of this actually being true, since the movie is being directed by Joss Whedon and I'm confident that he'd sooner swallow a gallon of someone else's bile than cast Lohan as Confused Girl On Cell Phone #8, let alone the title role.

But seriously, Yahoo. Are you THAT DESPERATE for clicks? For shame.

Snap Judgment: Slash & Grab

Bring it, IMDB...


Inside Man (crime/suspense, rated R, directed by Spike Lee, written by Russell Gewirtz)

It appears Spike Lee has finally shaken off the last few droplets of that indie credibility in which he used to be drenched. Not that that's completely a bad thing, because this movie looks pretty cool and I'm liking the cast, but I'm just saying. I wonder if someday his nemesis will emerge -- the anti-Spike Lee; i.e., a guy who starts off making soulless big budget flicks and eventually works his way down the scale to grainy Sundance-beloved black & white stuff. Hmm... what if it turns out to be Brett Ratner? (Hey, stranger things have happened. Even if I can't think of any right now.)


Stay Alive (horror, rated PG-13, directed by William Brent Bell, written by William Brent Bell & Matthew Peterman)

I can't say I'm surprised to see McG's production company attached to this. But I am surprised that the biggest current or former OC star he could get was Samaire Armstrong. I'm guessing there were a few disappointing phone calls before he settled on her.

[My Chemical Romance ringtone]

Rachel Bilson: Hello?

McG: Yo Bilson.

RB: Oy.

McG: What's up?

RB: If this is about putting that Wonder Woman costume back on...

McG: No, no, no. Hear me out. I got a movie. It's awesome. It's like this Wes Craven thing but in the digital age with, you know massively multiplayer online games and those suckers are like the new Super Mario Brothers and oh man, remember playing that game until like 3 AM with the giant Koopas in the 8th level and by the way you gotta see this new home theater setup I got in the house, it's 10 audio channels and the subwoofer is fuckin' boss.

RB: That wasn't a sentence. Or a complete thought.

McG: Diet Pepsi Cancun Hello Kitty hi-def plasma Sublime!

RB: I gotta go.

[Click.]


Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Trent Cooper, written by Jonathan Bernstein and James Greer)

This strikes me as the kind of script that was passed around for ages as "Untitled Gross-out Comedy To Star Whatever Lowbrow Comedian Has The Most Buzz" until the right "talent" was able to be attached. But I mean, how could it not be funny? I've never seen Larry the Cable Guy's routine, but I'm willing to bet he's irreverent! Really irreverent! No reverence whatsoever! He'll even make fun of the guy who fixes your car, that's how irreverent he is! He's so irreverent, they took away his last name! Dude, I'm sorry, I don't think I can finish this column today; I must see this movie right now.

Reality contestant or... other reality contestant?

Sisters? Cousins? Step-twins? You decide.

America's Next Top Model hopeful Mollie Sue.

and...

Apprentice hopeful Andrea Lake. (By the way, check out her website. Get the idea maybe she wants to be a model too?)

TV Rots Your Brain...And Sometimes Your Stomach

Hey kids, it’s time for yet another obligatory TV post, where I sort of tell you what happened this past week or so while I bitch and post pictures.

The L Word

Dana. Fucking. Died.

Erin Daniels, I’ll miss you.

But man, did Leisha Hailey fucking rock that hospital death scene. It was definitely the saddest use of “You Are My Sunshine” since “Beaches.” And quite possibly the saddest use of a song in a death scene since the Whoopi Goldberg and Mary-Louise Parker sang “You Got It” to a piano in “Boys On the Side.”

Ilene Chaiken and I are going to have some serious words! That is, as soon as I recover from my catatonic state of depression and pick myself off the bathroom floor.

Anyway, this week Alice stole some of Dana’s ashes and scattered them at Dana’s former summer tennis camp. Flashbacks galore. Then Lara came home from Paris and made out with Alice in Dana’s house. And thus the show ended.*

Season finale on Sunday. Promo here...

* And if you’re actually interested, Shane proposed to Carmen, who eventually said yes. There’s also some stuff going on with Bette and Tina, Jenny and Max/Moira, Helena and Dylan, Kit and Angus, and the rest of the characters who I don’t care about.


The Sopranos

I can’t talk about The Sopranos because Nick is still playing catch up, but I will say that I really enjoyed the premiere. I also enjoyed last night’s episode, which was basically a testament to the brilliance of Edie Falco. It was also strange to see Tony Soprano sans Jersey mob boss accent.

David Chase and company are setting us up big time.


The Apprentice

“We all over the place. We have no theme. We have nothing. Nobody know what’s going on! Task was creating corporate retreat presenting Chevy Tahoe. And instead they get booze...they get comedian...horse with a carriage. Theresa’s brain so small she can’t even understand. I wish, you know, her brain was bigger than her boobs.”

Thank. You. Lenny.

There were also scenes involving sharks and really big Carolyn hair!

Oh yeah, and did you know George is Jewish? Next you’re going to tell me that Trump wants to “date” his daughter or some crazy shit like that.


Veronica Mars

Kristen vs. Kristin

Attempting to not swallow the throw up in my own mouth while watching Laguna Beach a few months ago, I asked myself, “can Kristin suck any more than she already does?” The answer, sadly, is yes.

Jesus Christ, playing a tv lesbian is enough to redeem anyone’s heinous acting (see Mischa Barton and plastic Barbie hands).

Clearly, this rule does not apply to Kristin Cavalleri.

Props to Kristen Bell who’s already had to endure Paris Hilton, Kim Stolz and Naima Mora. (I’m sure Nick will have something to say since I mentioned Kim.)

Despite the wretched misery that was “Kylie” and lack of Wallace, Veronica Mars failed to disappoint.

At this point, it’s still anybody’s guess as to who was responsible for the bus crash. Right now, I’m blaming Naima. Mostly for shits and giggles...and to segue into the next show...


America’s Next Top Model

This past week’s episode was rather enjoyable. Furonda handed out some weird ass rules as to how to deal with her. Jade was such a cunt, that lightening it up with the “See You Next Tuesday” thing would be a compliment. And Mollie Sue was able to pull off the Rosemary’s Baby cut.

But no one does it like Potes, so I won’t even try.

Snap Judgment: Studio Memo To You: Wear Green, Then Spend It On Our Movies

Top o' the morning to the lot o' ye! As an ill-advised hunk of soda bread works its way through my innards, I shall click over to IMDB Now Playing and see what awaits us.


V for Vendetta (action/thriller, rated R, directed by James McTeigue, screenplay by the siblings Wachowski based on the comic book by Alan Moore)

After mining buckets of unintentional humor from such ostensibly serious elements as the stentorian voice of Laurence Fishburne and the death of Carrie-Anne Moss, the Wachowskis sensed our collective gun-shyness and sought out an unimpeachably likable heroine for their next outing. Luckily, some of the Matrix actors ran into Natalie Portman at their Survivors of Bad Sci-Fi Dialogue support group (held every Monday evening at the Hollywood United Methodist Church; decaf and donuts provided free of charge) and put in a good word for her with the producers. All cringeworthy speechifying aside, though, those of us who fondly remember Natalie learning sniper skills from Jean Reno way back when will probably enjoy seeing her employ those skills at her current, much less creepy age. Plus, the dude who played oppressed rebel Winston in the film version of 1984 plays the oppressive 1984-esque dictator this time! Irony, y'all! Irony and fancy knife-throwing!

She's the Man (comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Andy Fickman, written by Ewan Leslie, Karen McCullah Lutz, and Kirsten Smith)

Don't blame Amanda Bynes for this. These days, everyone knows that you have to play a girl-pretending-to-be-a-boy if you want that coveted Teen Choice Award. Then, to remind everyone that that was only acting, you show up to the ceremony in your cutest feminine ensemble of cork clogs, vintage sequined CBGB t-shirt, and low-rider denim skirt (but not too low-rider, because any muffin-topping will result in Michelle Trachtenberg replacing you for the sequel). Also, no matter what Lohan tells you in the bathroom, those are not real Pixie Sticks, so just say no.

Find Me Guilty (comedy/drama, rated R, directed by Sidney Lumet, written by Lumet, TJ Mancini, and Robert McCrea)

"A man who is his own attorney has a fool for a client." -- Anonymous

"Especially when it's Vin Diesel." -- Nick

Laguna Bi-Otch: Part Deux

IF U THOUGHT LB WAS GR8 B4, U GOT 2 C DIS. IM ROTFLMAO, TTYL, LUVU2, BFN. BBL.

Translation: Time to thank MAD TV for yet another wonderful installment of "Laguna Bi-Otch."

Odds and Ends

If you’re one of those people who shell out an extra twelve or twenty bucks a month for premium cable channels and find yourself sitting at home tomorrow night, you’ve got choices:

You can finally bust out that plate o’ carbs you’ve secretly been hoarding under your bed and watch The Sopranos on HBO at 9:00, which finally returns after a monstrously ridiculous hiatus. Jersey would be nothing without the meat shop, the waste management and the mangia.

And just when you’ve become completely desensitized, flip over to SHOWTIME at 10:00 for a different kind of mangia to catch the third to last episode of The L Word's third (and unfortunately, not final) season. Don’t forget to bid a heartbreaking adios to Dana Fairbanks, who will finally be heading off to that big tennis camp in the sky. Boooo.

In other news, Cycle 6 of America’s Next Top Model is scary. Too bad the house they live in can't win. Pop Whore has hope for Nnenna, Sara, Joanie and Molly Sue. Jade, for the love of all that is holy, please shut the fuck up and go away...

Nick brought it to my attention that the Sadie girl we keep reading about on The OC is being played by none other than Nikki Reed. Just goes to show you how into that show we are. Kudos and all, but it's going to take a lot more (read: her "Thirteen" counterpart) to get us watching that show again.

And finally: Veronica Mars. Wednesday. Blessed be.

Even if Kristin Cavallari is on it...

Snap Judgment: Post-Oscar Letdown

The Oscars are over, so let the Oscar race begin! Except, not quite, since (probability-wise) we still have a good 7-8 months before any of next year's Best Picture contenders are released to theaters. But I'm sure this weekend's selection will prove me wrong! Right? Right? Ugh. Let's see.


The Hills Have Eyes (horror/remake, rated R, directed by Alexandre Aja, written by Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur)

It's been decades since people started grumbling about the Japanese being ahead of us, but really nothing's changed. Their cars are way more fuel efficient, their internet access is faster and cheaper, and good freaking LORD do they kick our asses at Dance Dance Revolution. To determine the root of the problem, I think we need to examine the slight difference between this movie and the Japanese classic Godzilla. Because only then will we see that in Japan, nuclear radiation produces a giant kick-ass firebreathing lizard, whereas in America, the same radiation produces a bunch of crazy deformed hillbillies. Does this have anything to do with why their cell phones are so much cooler than ours? I say: maybe.

And by the way: what's with the tagline? "The Lucky Ones Die First." Are they purposefully setting themselves up for the obvious "the ones in the movie, or the ones in the audience?" joke, or what?


Failure to Launch (romantic comedy, rated PG-13, directed by Tom Dey, written by Tom J. Astle and Matt Ember)

At its core, this is a heartbreaking tale of two lost souls who must find redemption in one another. Carrie Bradshaw, once a fabulously trendy Manhattan sex columnist, was forced to leave her beloved city when even all the money in Mr. Big's bank account couldn't buy enough room for all her shoes. Now she's trying to start a new life in Maryland as, well, a slacker-kicker-outer (probably what it says on her business card). Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey is stuck at his parents' house in a bottomless pit of depression, having to accept the fact that his days of being paired up with a love interest ten years his junior are behind him and with them, the freedom to play naked bongos whenever he feels like it. Can these two discover mutual salvation, with the help of the acclaimed director of "Shanghai Noon"?


The Libertine (historical drama, rated R, directed by Laurence Dunmore, written by Stephen Jeffreys)

No, it's not the Pete Doherty biopic we've all been waiting for, with Mary-Kate Olsen playing Kate Moss and dozens of smashed-up cars and hotel rooms playing themselves. (Yes, I'm bummed too.) Rather, it's a 17th century English biopic complete with wigs and probably at least 50% actual British actors. In other words, the kind of movie that the entire Chinese army couldn't keep John Malkovich away from. Yep, there he is! I bet his accent rocks.

The Shaggy Dog (comedy, rated PG, directed by Brian Robbins, written by more people than I feel like listing)

DISNEY EXEC: I've got 27 seconds before I have to meet Bruckheimer at the Ivy. Let's hear the upshot.

WRITERS/PRODUCERS: Dude turns into a dog.

DISNEY EXEC: I think we've already done that.

WRITERS/PRODUCERS: He pees on more stuff this time.

DISNEY EXEC: We'll take it.

New podcast plus uncut version!

In this, our fifth (or "sinco-th") episode of Season 2, we finished off Mutually Forced Movie Month (sorta) and rattled on about some movie/TV news tidbits. Podcasting as usual.

However... for this one, we're giving you listeners an opportunity you may not normally have, podcast-listeningwise. In addition to the regular old edited podcast with intro, outro, musical bursts, and exceptionally well-edited and paced banter, we're also putting up the raw footage.

If the published podcast is the statue of David, the raw footage is the stone from which it was carved -- that errant slab of granite at which we podcasters looked and said to ourselves, "Within that formless mass lies a brilliant 50-minute program just waiting to be uncovered."

See, that rambling unnecessary sentence right there was a perfect symbol for the kind of thing you'll find in the raw footage. So listen -- if you dare -- and see what we say when the cameras aren't rolling. (Because the cameras are never rolling. Because we're not a video podcast. Duh.)

Download Season 2, Episode 5 right here.

OR...

Download the uncut, unedited, uncensored (but isn't it always) raw footage for Episode 5 right here.

Then use the "Comment" link below to ask us why we would ever do something like this.

Natalie Portman, Rapper

Besides being Israeli, Natalie Portman just endeared herself to me for a long time.

I sort of forgive her for Star Wars.

Best Simpsons Intro Ever!

Seriously... you have to see this to believe it. Thanks to Rossanna for the tip!

The Simpsons with real people...

Snap Judgment: A Tale of Cops, Swords, and Fins

It's the beginning of March, so out with the horrible and in with the mediocre... hit it, IMDB Now Playing!



Ultraviolet (fantasy/action, rated PG-13, written/directed by Kurt Wimmer)

Here's how this one happened. Milla Jovovich is taking a little break from all her usual action stuff (Fifth Element, Resident Evil, etc.). One night, while throwing darts at the Luc Besson photo on the wall, she flips on HBO and sees Underworld. "Oh hey," she says to herself, "it's that movie with all the leather and blue lighting, and one of those WB guys. Might as well check it out." Lo and behold, it's Kate Beckinsale being Milla Jovovich! This will not stand. She gets Kate on the phone. "Listen," she says. "I was Milla Jovovich being Milla Jovovich back when you were just Kate Beckinsale being Kate Beckinsale! Leave the Milla Jovovich-being to me, and get back to your charming little chick flicks!" And she hangs up the phone. Kate is fuming. She goes to the bedroom and wakes up her director-husband. "Call the producers and tell them we're doing Underworld 2," she says. "But no one's asked us to--" "Shut it! Sequel! Now!" Calls are made, palms are greased, and Underworld: Evolution is greenlit. Well, that's the last straw for Milla. She visits her agent's office, paws through a stack of bad scripts, and finds just the right one: a futuristic fantasy action movie with swords and a supernatural heroine. A knockoff of Underworld! She gets to be Milla being Kate being Milla!

Game, set, and match.

Aquamarine (comedy, rated PG, directed by Elizabeth Allen, written by John Quaintance and Jessica Bendinger, based on the novel by Alice Hoffman)

Two girls interrupt their text message discussion (topic: the relative crushability of Jesse McCartney vs. Chad Michael Murray) long enough to discover a mermaid in the pool. Some important life lessons will be taught, but things are going to get awkward when they try to bring her into the whole jeans-sharing thing. And just wait until the mermaid sets up her MySpace and posts the MP3 that was, like, totally the girls' private BFF song. Dra-ma!

By the way... JoJo? That flies for a name these days?

16 Blocks (thriller, rated R, directed by Richard Donner, written by Richard Wenk)

I have no doubt that Richard "Goonies, Lethal Weapon, and Superman, bitches!" Donner can make an interesting movie out of Bruce Willis driving Mos Def across Manhattan. He just needs to keep away his evil twins, Richard "Sure, why not do Lethal Weapon 3 and 4?" Donner and Richard "You know who would make an awesome team? Stallone and Banderas!" Donner. And if the pivotal dramatic sequence involves a heartbreaking choice between Google Maps and Mapquest, then I might have to check out. Otherwise, looks good.


Dave Chappelle's Block Party (documentary/concert film, rated R, directed by Michel Gondry)

Not much I can say about this, except that I wonder if Erykah Badu's ginormous afro wig was meant as a commentary on either the size of Chappelle's Comedy Central deal and/or ego.